So the other day I'm on the treadmill and a song written by my oldest brother comes on, and I can swear that it was written from the perspective of someone else, about me. And yet, I can hear his voice singing it. It is so confusing. So I posted a link to a very old version of it, just listen. All that flying away crap I love. (#3)
http://archive.org/details/rrnrlove2004-06-07
Then I come home and decide to put on some archives from the last concert my brothers did together (while I was in Albania) and this song comes on (#14: Lost):
http://archive.org/details/DCAF2012-10-27
My brother wrote this song while he was living in Honduras. I always forget that he did this, and that we have this connection of our living abroad experiences. Lets just say it made my thoughts lost in Minnesota.
"Now I'm staring at Jakarta on this starless, smoggy Tuesday night.
There's so much here you would like to see.
We could sit and talk for hours about how no one really seems to understand,
But then again, neither do we."
Yeah I did a little re-write there. Anyway I'm sitting here reading my book and come across this information about Buddhism:
"Here you've got your mind, the source of all your problems, but also the source of you liberation. Use it. Look at your life. Figure it out."
"'Buddhism requires that I take on the terrifying responsibility for myself; I am the author of my own suffering, and my own deliverance. And yet it also requires very little--only that I open my eyes right here, where I am standing, that I simply pay attention."
- Beyond the Sky and the Earth, page 240- 241
Agh! Why is my mind lost in Minnesota? I'm here in wonderful Jakarta and I just want to be here. There is so much to experience, but I miss my old experiences. I seriously need to quit living in the past. It was fantastic, but this is FANTASTIC!
So here's the thing for anyone still reading this rambling thing that probably doesn't count as writing. I'm not homesick. I'm not looking at plane tickets, I'm not crying, and I'm not considering backing out of my contract or my plan to do this traveling thing for a long time. I swear to god I'm fine, and I'm perfectly happy here. But I'm not all here, and maybe that sucks, but maybe it is also okay. Opinions? Will my heart really always be in Minnesota? Yes, and part of it will always be in Albania. And now part of it will always be in Jakarta. And what a fricken awesome realization. And did my brother write these songs years ago with some secret message to the future me? I'm over analyzing everything. Time for a beer and bed. Also, Angie can't believe I'm having a beer. Who did I become? A girl who doesn't drink beer every night?
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