Sayang

This blog is about the differences, struggles, and benefits of having a relationship abroad.

2 years ago I was a broken hearted 22 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her. I was a girl who had been crazy in love, and who had her heart broken, and had broken her own heart so many times that I thought I was done with it all. I left America assuming that my broken heart would be instantly fixed, and I would be ready to love again. Those instincts were insanely wrong and after my first month in Albania I realized I was on a serious journey to find myself, and once that journey was done I assumed I would find someone to love again. I locked myself in for 5 years of being single, abroad, and living life my way or the highway.

Towards the end of my time in Albania I started to feel comfortable living on my own, and being the 5^th wheel every once in awhile. I had life figured out, I had my routine, and while I was still very self conscious I was becoming far more confident with myself, and happy with who I was.

I arrived in Jakarta convinced I would remain single, but after just a month I fancied trying my hand at dating before I lost all knowledge of how to do it. Dating abroad is one thing, dating in Asia is a totally different story. It wasn’t that I was requesting or even desired a boyfriend, I just wanted some practice so I wouldn’t be out of shape when I returned to America. This is not how it was brought up when I was introduced to my current boyfriend. It was “I finally found a white man for you to flirt with!” As if I had been searching far and wide to find any soul on the earth to date.

I digress from this long and boring story of my past and move toward the point of this post. I am mostly writing this to help sort through my own thoughts, but also potentially to help those of you who care enough to understand my relationship, or possibly to help those of you with my same fears overcome them. Being in a relationship abroad is extremely different than being in a relationship in your own country for so many reasons. Top it off my dating someone from a different country, and doing long distance and you are in for some serious hardships.

our first weekend as a couple

1.  Moving around: So generally if you are living abroad it is not a permanent deal. You will have to deal with deciding where to go next, together as a couple. I loved having my freedom last time I made the choice. I watched my friends struggle to look into visas and work for their partners while I had no concerns about this. Matt and I have discussed where to live next, and I’m very lucky that he is open to just about anywhere at this point. Every time I mention somewhere he immediately looks into jobs there. I’d have to say I haven’t been as open, mostly because of my limited finances. When he mentions somewhere the first thing I think of is the dollar sign attached to a job there. It sucks, but at this point in my student loan repayment it is a major chain that I want to unlock in the next 5 years.

Then you have to take into consideration the difficulties of creating a life together, but also apart. I want to be able to still meet new friends and travel with others no matter where we end up, but I’m nervous that we will grasp to the comfort of each other so much that we will end up smothered and alone, bored in a country we know nothing about. I will definitely be looking into the expat community of the city we eventually choose.

2.  So visas….: Yeah I hate visas. With a passion. They have made me regret my decision to move abroad and have absolutely ended in tears at the pure complications of them all. There may be places I can get a job as a teacher and Matt could come and do some sort of independent work, but he may not be able to get a visa. Of course we have discussed the fact that if we were married it would be much easier, but this seems like a silly reason to rush into a marriage neither of us will be ready for in a year. Then lets talk about the silliness of visas in America and Australia. We looked just for “fun” the other day and my head started hurting just thinking about how complicated it would be. Something about having to get married 6 month after we arrive in the states for certain types of visas. Dual citizenship is even trickier. 4 years in Australia? No thank you.

3. The meetings: Meeting family and friends becomes quite the difficult task, let me tell you. We have both met each others family over skype, which was fine to start, but part of me would just really like to fly myself to Australia for one night to have dinners with Matt’s family in his hometown. But maybe flying to Singapore for one day will have to do. What?!? Yes. This is happening. And I will be arriving before Matt, which means I will meet them without him even present. Lucky for me, my rents are coming in a few short months and will have a whole afternoon with Matt before we leave for vacation. The person whose approval I desire most (My brother) won’t even meet Matt for at least another 15 months, and by that point I will have based life decisions on this thing. Okay maybe I’m freaking out too much about others thoughts, but there is a serious comfort in knowing that your family thinks that your new best friend is good enough for you to spend the rest of your life with. My brother generally knows whats best for me. (I'm not joking...)

right?

4. Friends: Matt helped me come up with this one and it is very true. Our circle of friends is quite small. He has his friends from work and Australia, and I have my friends from work. On occasion we have merged the two groups which has been fantastic, but it is hard to discover more about each other when you hang out in the same crowds and do the same activities every weekend. Trying to make time for the relationship and my friends has been a serious difficulty for me, and I also secretly worry about how my small group of friends would be split in half if me and Matt broke up (but this won’t happen, right?) You would think making friends abroad would be easier, and it probably is in other cities, but in Jakarta getting around is tough, so to make it to other areas with new people can be difficult.

5. The other difficult thing for me is that Matt hasn’t really seen me in my element yet. I find it really hard to express to him the homesickness I feel sometimes, and whenever he talks about things from his childhood/college years I just want to go and see the places, or meet the people. Additionally I just want to take him to a bluegrass concert, have him taste my favorite beers, cheese curds and visit stone arch with me. I go into huge rants about my favorite bars, the barn, and my running trails quite often.

So now to start with a new idea. The benefits of having a relationship abroad.

1. The best thing is by far that you get to explore and learn about a new culture. I’ve learned loads about Australian phrases, climate, food, holidays, politics, traditions, schooling, and past times. I get to do this all without the hassle of having to live somewhere. Though truth be told, I might not mind doing this for a year or two. I was lucky enough to attend a dawn service (a very traditional Australian thing to do on ANZAC day, similar to veterans day in America) with Matt, his friends, and my boss. This was an excellent experience to have. The even better part is that when I visit said country I will have free places to stay and a person who knows all the best restaurants, and sights. And he can contour the vacation to match my enjoyments (beer, and hiking.)

2. Travel buddies. So far Matt and I haven’t had much of a chance for this one, but I have to admit I’ve always been jealous of the couples I travel with who get to split costs of rooms, can split meals, and constantly have that partner to lean on when things go utterly wrong. I really wish our vacations lined up more, but we will have to make the most of what we have. The one short trip we went on was excellent and I’m looking forward to more. And just think about all the awesome pictures you’ll have to hang on your walls someday and all the great stories you can tell.

3. The seriously hilarious discussions and arguments you will get into. We argue a lot, but mostly it’s in a joking way about pointless things like the rules of pool, or what certain foods are called, or how things should be pronounced.

4. Physical connection. I hate to say it, but we all need this. And it has seriously been lacking in my life. Sometimes you need someone to cuddle you, even when you are an independent girl living in a foreign country.

5. It is a chance to love and be loved, and do you ever really need a reason for that? Yes, it is a very risky venture, but those are generally the best once.

no way!

I asked Matt for his opinion on this topic. In response to what made our “abroad” relationship hard, and he responded that not hearing my voice and terrible phone reception in Indonesia were rough. Such a practical one he is. Lol. He says the best part is having someone to rely on 100% of the time. I’m not sure our 3 hour cab rides make that exactly a true statement. But as he says “normally overseas you are alone against the world.”

In Bahasa “sayang” means so many things. Honey as a noun, dear or darling as an adjective, and love as a verb. We have far more challenges than this blog even begins to cover, and we certainly aren't perfect, but there are far more smiles than tears, and everyday I think about the randomness of finding each other on a random island off the coast of Indonesia. I’m happy to have found someone who is willing to work on all the challenges to reach the benefits of this life we have chosen. Saya cinta kamu, sayang!