Merry-Go-Round Broke Down

The last 6 weeks of my life have been tough. And I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I have not been myself recently. I seem to have reverted back to 20 year old, unconfident, moody version of myself. I don't want her back. I vanished her to my past when I started my life over in Albania, and I'm at the point where I will go to any means to keep her there.

After hating traveling this summer, merry-go-round broke down. Like I said, I started hating my life and myself. If you care to believe it I even told Matt I might go permanently back to America next year. Becky tried to convince me to do so, saying I could just move my ass in with her and her parents in Milwaukee until I got back on my feet. I'm seriously giggling at this thought now, though for a short moment I stopped to consider it.

In Albania, I would get back from vacation and be extremely homesick for about a week. I just wanted the comfort of my bed, and western food. Then I'd get back into my normal routine. I'd start planning my next awesome adventure, I'd blog, and I'd throw myself into some life advancing goal. My homesickness made me a better person.

Here I get back from a shitty vacation where I hated more than I enjoyed and I try to get it up for the next vacation, but I just can't swing the homesickness. I cry way too much, I eat like shit, I watch tv every night, I don't sleep, and I have nightmares about never feeling like I belong anywhere again.

I've been reading old blog posts to attempt to convince myself that this is normal, and that I've gotten through it before, but this just makes me miss "home" more. I re-read my blog post about the things that scared me the most going into this life experience, and I realize that they are all fears about leaving. I had no idea that returning could be the scarier end of the bargain.

I imagine myself sometime in the distant future living a permanent life, with permanent friends, and a permanent home and that seems just as freaky as starting a new life every year. So I write, and I cry, and I drink a whiskey, because though it isn't comforting, it is all I know how to do.

I go back and back. I can find happiness here....somehow.

“Faith is the ability to find beauty in all circumstance. Will is the ability to follow faith where it leads each individual and make something out of the randomness.” -Daryn Christenson