Untitled Blog Post #7

8/7/14
Right now I'm sitting at an airport delayed and I just want to be going home. American home.

4/8/14

I'm home. I'm sitting in my bed blogging, which is exactly where I have wanted to be for the past few days, and suddenly I don't want to be here. I want to be anywhere but here. The last 4 weeks of my life were nothing. They were complete worthlessness. They were confusion. They were painfully honest. And they certainly have made me nervous. Time to dive into the fear and face up to who I am. What do I want?

22/8/14

As I end this rough transition back to real life I have adjusted, but I am missing home like crazy. I keep seeing pictures of people hiking, or at crazy good concerts, or sipping a beer. Maybe all this technology actually makes living abroad harder? I miss my best friend. 

5/9/14

Who am I to be sad looking back on happy memories that cause me to realize how unfulfilling my life here is. Those moments happened, and they were incredible. How great is that. My now is sucking a little, but that is part of life. I have tried my damn hardest to find fulfillment here, and it does not exist. I just gotta keep my head high and look forward to my bright future.

15/9/14

Life has been way more rough than I would like it to be. But if I put in a little bit of effort I can find positives. Like my crazy cute students, my supportive friends, and my vacation time. It is fast approaching and it has renewed a bit of my spirit. I was talking to my roommate tonight and she said she has never needed a vacation more than when working here. Cambodia and my boys are 4 weeks away!

I'm finding once again that music is making a huge difference in my life. I think with skipping gym time and doing insanity work outs at home I've been lacking time with my main lifeline (music.) The new Ryan Adams album is seriously helping to renew my spirits as well.

My fellow teacher have started searching for new jobs already. I'm starting to look really forward to starting the search for job next year, though I'm getting a bit frustrated with having to deal with the complications of building a life with another person in mind. It is a lot more difficult than just choosing somewhere with a decent paying job that you think you will enjoy. you have to find that, times double, plus a place with culture you can both handle and will enjoy. But no pain no gain, and I'm happy that somewhere in our minds Matt and I are convinced we can make a home somewhere together. I'm feeling both excited and nervous for the challenges that lie ahead, but one step at a time is where it is at right now.

25/9/14

Looking for jobs has officially started. I'm in the process of working with two recruitments companies, and will continue to search on my own. After a few rough weeks of feeling like I have had nothing to do I have that feeling of being overwhelmed once again, with finishing off the term reports, compiling student work for portfolios, and planning a trip. This always happens. I get back from vacation exhausted and struggle to get back into my routine for a few weeks. Then I spend a few weeks being completely bored and sad, and then suddenly it is time to be busy again. I wish I could find a way to knock out those 2 sad weeks in the middle of the happy and fulfilled feeling.

Matt and I took a weekend getaway trip to an island just 30 minutes off the coast of Jakarta last weekend. I think it is very important for me to realize that I CAN in fact leave this city for a weekend if necessary.

Additionally I think the thought of planning life with someone was making me freak out about it, and feel very insecure about my relationship. Haven't felt that way since....well....a really bad point in my life, so it scared me more than I'd like to admit. Eventually I thought about how kick ass I am, and got over myself. And, of course I think my boyfriend noticed, and started putting in some serious effort to make me feel better.

Yesterday night I also realized how crazy it is that I haven't been home in over a year. Why do I do it? 9 months to go! 

At a complete loss for words

The last 2 weeks have been awful. I can't seem to find any words to describe how or why I feel this way. At least no words that anyone can understand. I have lost myself, and everything I loved about her. My passion has gone away. I need to get outside, I need to roll around on grass and escape the sound of traffic. I need to see some live music, and I need a good beer. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks and feel exhausted all the time. My head pounds, my stomach gurgles with discomfort, and I feel as though I am on a never ending tilt-a-whirl. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, come home and lay in bed unable to complete my work tasks. I have lost it, and in some way have given up hope of ever being happy in Jakarta. It is not a pretty sight. My boyfriend has had to deal with more mental breakdowns in the last week than in the whole 9 months of our relationship.

This song randomly popped into my head as I was waiting in the elevator on the way home. I remember listening to it on repeat before I first left America. When I told my friend it was exactly how I felt at the time she responded "Really?!?" Little did I know how much life I had there.

Now I feel every single word of it to my core.

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

Take me away in a little toy train
to the heart of my brain, just take me away
where the loving ain't hard and the living is easy
There's love in my heart, just take me away

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

There's no changing the wind
There's no changing the weather
There's no telling when it all began
or if the end will be any better

I'm falling for you babe
You know that I'm falling for you babe
You know that I love you I need you
I'm falling for you babe, you know that I'm calling
for you babe I'm falling I'm calling

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

I look to the sky, I cant help but cry
I wonder why I look to the sky
The weight of the world, puts tears in my eyes
holding me down I can't help but cry

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

Life is tough. It has been awful. But the good thing is that the one part of me I have left is my need to do. Do exercise, do exploring, do writing, do reading, do cooking, do baking. And now, hopefully, if I ever hear back, volunteering. I have to get off this ass of mine, realize that life isn't that bad, and that I can handle the next 10 months just as easily at the first 13.