Orpheus

While I was in Thailand we spent some time chilling in Pai. On one particular day we just hung out by the pool and then sat outside our room, drinking beers, coffee, listening to music and smoking cigarettes, overlooking a gorgeous pond. At one point we put on some Andrew Bird and Patrick told me he was in love with one particular song because of the story it told. I was sure I had heard the story but asked him to tell it to me again.

Orpheus, the hero, was an amazing musician. And he married a beautiful girl, but in a tragic way she died on their wedding day. However the gods could not resist the beautiful music Orpheus played and so agreed to return his wife to the land of the living if he would promise them one thing. All he had to do was keep his eyes peeled forward and not look back at her beauty until they had both reached the land of the living. However, when Orpheus reached the end of the tunnel he could not contain his excitement and joy and glanced back and his beautiful bride. In an instant she was taken away from him for forever.

After Patrick told the story I couldn't help but feel something hit inside me, and so I got out my phone and made a note of the story to review later.

Earlier this week I was catching up on Mad Men and The Following and in one of the most recent episodes the story gets told. (I wish I could remember the exact point it had made, but cannot.) It hit me again, but I passed it off.

Now I sit here, on a Friday night reading a book I purchased for $5 in a used bookstore in Chiang Mai. The man in the story makes a reference to the story of Orpheus as he watches his Thai wife work at a bar selling herself to men. He says "I think if I can leave here tonight without looking at her I will be all right." But he cannot do it. He looks back. The next morning the 3 men who were flirting with his wife are in body bags. I put the book down, and know that I need to write.

The last few weeks have jetted past me. I have no idea where they have gone, and they have not gone at all as planned. I had prepared myself to feel anger, and sadness, and pain, and to eat to my hearts content and cry myself to sleep. But all I have felt is joy, freedom, and contentedness. My life is as it was meant to be. I feel anger only at the effort I put forth to achieve what could not work. What we knew wouldn't work. I am frustrated by our unwillingness to simply give up. But, it has made me a stronger person and taught me a lesson: Never ever sell yourself short. Do not compromise yourself and your dreams for anyone or anything.

And I think maybe Orpheus has a connection to my life. I can retrieve my happiness and my own dream. I must not regret what happened or attempt to analyze it. I must accept it for what it was and what it taught me and move forward with my head up, my heart strong, and my eyes forward to my future. And so I will.

Montenegro, I am coming for you in a few short months and together we are going to be the absolute happiest. My soul is overwhelmed.