What compels me to go?

The chance that Minneapolis will never be my permanent home again has begun to sink into, and overwhelm my mind. Welcome third bought of homesickness. I want a Surly, an afternoon grilling in the backyard, a contemplative run at stone arch, and most importantly my best friends.

If you will remember back to my first blog about leaving America, and my last day in Minneapolis you recall the moment my mother posed this scary thought in my mind while walking around one of my favorite lakes with me. I nearly chundered (barfed) on the spot but managed to swallow my reaction back in my throat. It was my biggest fear and doubt about leaving: That I may never return.

Flash forward to March of the following year. I’m sitting in a tattoo parlor permanently engraving the lyrics “May you one day carry me home….” as a reminder of my past and what I assumed was what I wanted. Even then, I had a feeling I would never return home, home.

Though I desire Minneapolis with all my heart, there has always been a part of me that postulated I would never return. When people asked me where I wanted to land it was always my immediate answer. “The Midwest, preferably Minneapolis/St. Paul. I want to be near my family.” I sit here, the morning after my 24^th birthday, after 2 nights of not sleeping, wondering “What compels me to go.”

That is the ultimate question. Why do I leave a place I adore? Why do I leave the people I love? What is it that is pushing me to this future of unknown certainties of change. Exactly that. I hate change. The unknown is my biggest fear, and I love to face my biggest fears head-on.

Life moves forward. Dreams change. Especially when you are a traveller. You see things. You meet people. It changes you to the core. Sometimes to the point where you don't recognize yourself.

My sweet disposition may not one day carry me home, but it will carry me to a home. Chances are it will not be Minneapolis. It could be Japan, Australia, Chicago, San Francisco, Seattle, or god forbid, somewhere in Texas, but the truth of the matter is that I can always find and create a home for myself. There will always be startling sights and astonishing people to meet along the way.