What compels me to go?

The chance that Minneapolis will never be my permanent home again has begun to sink into, and overwhelm my mind. Welcome third bought of homesickness. I want a Surly, an afternoon grilling in the backyard, a contemplative run at stone arch, and most importantly my best friends.

If you will remember back to my first blog about leaving America, and my last day in Minneapolis you recall the moment my mother posed this scary thought in my mind while walking around one of my favorite lakes with me. I nearly chundered (barfed) on the spot but managed to swallow my reaction back in my throat. It was my biggest fear and doubt about leaving: That I may never return.

Flash forward to March of the following year. I’m sitting in a tattoo parlor permanently engraving the lyrics “May you one day carry me home….” as a reminder of my past and what I assumed was what I wanted. Even then, I had a feeling I would never return home, home.

Though I desire Minneapolis with all my heart, there has always been a part of me that postulated I would never return. When people asked me where I wanted to land it was always my immediate answer. “The Midwest, preferably Minneapolis/St. Paul. I want to be near my family.” I sit here, the morning after my 24^th birthday, after 2 nights of not sleeping, wondering “What compels me to go.”

That is the ultimate question. Why do I leave a place I adore? Why do I leave the people I love? What is it that is pushing me to this future of unknown certainties of change. Exactly that. I hate change. The unknown is my biggest fear, and I love to face my biggest fears head-on.

Life moves forward. Dreams change. Especially when you are a traveller. You see things. You meet people. It changes you to the core. Sometimes to the point where you don't recognize yourself.

My sweet disposition may not one day carry me home, but it will carry me to a home. Chances are it will not be Minneapolis. It could be Japan, Australia, Chicago, San Francisco, Seattle, or god forbid, somewhere in Texas, but the truth of the matter is that I can always find and create a home for myself. There will always be startling sights and astonishing people to meet along the way.

Bittersweet Symphony: I Almost Cried in an Airport Starbucks

So I am heading back home after 3 weeks of traveling and I can actually say that I’m REALLY happy to be going HOME. That is right I’m referring to Jakarta as HOME! My trip was fantastic and I was able to make awesome memories and have incredible experiences, but overall it was a very difficult 3 weeks emotionally for many reasons.

 It was really strange to meet up with old friends in new places. I spent a lot of the trip reminding them, and being reminded of how awesome our travels were last year, and I’m pretty sure it made me ridiculously homesick for Albania and the Balkans. The freedom of travel, the inexpensiveness, and the open-minded people we met along the way. Nothing will ever compare to this version of traveling, so I just have to get it out of my mind. Pass it off as a phenomenal life experience and get ready to have new and different ones.

Being with my old friends has proven what I already knew: Jakarta has already changed who I am as a person a lot. I cannot exactly pinpoint the differences, but I know they are there.

hello new me....

Indonesia has also changed who my friends are as well. We are still friends, and get along in a very special way, but they way we interacted just felt different and foreign to me. This is one of the great benefits and downfalls of the life I live. I meet great people, but constantly have to say goodbye to them knowing that our relationship will never be the same as it is in that moment. I had a similar experience when I met my brother last year for Christmas. Being in Europe with him after 5 months of life apart was different than our relationship of meeting up for bloody marys on Sunday, which was different from the relationship we had when we lived together. So goes life.

I'll just steamroll to the Balkans... 

I also have to say goodbye knowing that a PLACE will never be the same again. I want to go back and travel the Balkans so badly, and yet I know it will not be the same because I will be a different person, traveling with different friends, and the world will have transformed it into yet another tourist area, rather than a place to marvel at beauty.

At the same point, I can go into any trip knowing that it will not be boring and there will be something new to experience along the way. I can marvel at how places and people change and grow for the better.

Life is such a bittersweet symphony.

I had one very major distraction on the trip, and I’m not going to say it was a bad distraction, but I probably could have put my phone away a lot more, to experience the world around me. I feel slightly awful about how much I was texting, but I also really enjoyed being able to stay in contact with the world using my smart phone, especially around the holidays. I’m not sure what I would have done without it actually. My timing for meeting awesome people is off, or maybe really good? Can't decide. 

I made the major mistake of thinking that I’d love to just hang in Surabaya, rather than going directly home, when I got done traveling Bali. I felt extremely in limbo, halfway home, because I was with familiar people in a place that felt similar to Jakarta, but I was not quite back to myself. If there is anything worse than wanting to go home, it is wanting to go home, but already feeling like you are kind of there. Very confusing. Needless to say I ended up switching flights and leaving a day early, unable to handle the oddity of it anymore.

I'll just follow the trail home....

So now I’m sitting in the Surabaya airport, nearly in tears, thinking about the fact that I don’t know when I’ll see my boys again, but also looking really forward to arriving back home to see my friends in Jakarta. Somewhere wrapped up in the emotions are my wishes that I could have been back in America to cuddle up in some blankets and watch the packer game with my brother, and the emotions of wishing I had spent the last 3 weeks in the Balkans. How can a girl be lucky enough to have so many homes and so many families?

I'll follow my heart HOME!