2/4/15
We spend the day drinking on the boat and watching the sunset. For the last potion of the ride I lay in the darkness at the front, feeling the wind blow over my hot sticky body. I look up at the stars and remember that first amazing night we had together looking at them. I realize I CAN do this whole life thing by myself, and I CAN be happy doing it alone, but there will always be a little bit of you in me. I watch the lights of the city draw nearer and a small tear crawls out of my eye. But then I realize I am smiling. It is a tear of happiness because you happened. You happened to me. How lucky I am to have had the opportunity to not only love someone as amazing as you, but to be loved in return. A few days ago my mom sent me pictures of some of my old school items she found as she was cleaning the house. "My worst fear" it states at the top. My worst fear is that I will never fall in love or have my heart broken. But I have experienced both.
8/4/15
20/4/15
I miss you like crazy and yet life without you feels correct. It feels exciting, and my own. I'm meeting new people, I'm focused on my job and improving myself, and I'm wondering why we ever really thought we could work. I'm wondering why we wasted so much time clinging to something that was so obviously wrong for us both. Sometimes though, I do miss the happy us, dreaming about the future places we would go, or telling secrets in our beds at night in those first few months of being crazy in love. I want desperately to feel that again. Which is a sign that I should do the opposite and soak up the lonely night of books in my bed. I haven't felt this happy in months. I am so grateful.
We spend the day drinking on the boat and watching the sunset. For the last potion of the ride I lay in the darkness at the front, feeling the wind blow over my hot sticky body. I look up at the stars and remember that first amazing night we had together looking at them. I realize I CAN do this whole life thing by myself, and I CAN be happy doing it alone, but there will always be a little bit of you in me. I watch the lights of the city draw nearer and a small tear crawls out of my eye. But then I realize I am smiling. It is a tear of happiness because you happened. You happened to me. How lucky I am to have had the opportunity to not only love someone as amazing as you, but to be loved in return. A few days ago my mom sent me pictures of some of my old school items she found as she was cleaning the house. "My worst fear" it states at the top. My worst fear is that I will never fall in love or have my heart broken. But I have experienced both.
8/4/15
I want to be whole on my own again, but do not know where to begin. Then I realize I want so much more than wholeness. I want to be a whole person who can stand on my own and then I want to meet someone who causes me to pour out over the top. Who adds to my life, and doesn't make me question it. You were that for awhile and then we ruined it with too much us and too little of ourselves.
It is painful to imagine giving myself so fully to someone else, so I pretend I have nothing to give. It feels painful, but it is realistic. Where did I go?
14/4/15
14/4/15
I feel as though I am exactly where I was 3 years ago when I left home for the great unknown. Single, heartbroken, self conscious, and wanting a fresh start. This year I grew backward. I lost a little of who I was. 2 steps forward and one step back. Eventually I will get where I'm going.
Sometimes things just don't work out the way you hoped they would. And that is okay. The important thing is to reflect on what went right and what went wrong. Take the lessons with you and move on. Keep the good memories, let go of the bad, and find peace with what has been given to you.
20/4/15
I miss you like crazy and yet life without you feels correct. It feels exciting, and my own. I'm meeting new people, I'm focused on my job and improving myself, and I'm wondering why we ever really thought we could work. I'm wondering why we wasted so much time clinging to something that was so obviously wrong for us both. Sometimes though, I do miss the happy us, dreaming about the future places we would go, or telling secrets in our beds at night in those first few months of being crazy in love. I want desperately to feel that again. Which is a sign that I should do the opposite and soak up the lonely night of books in my bed. I haven't felt this happy in months. I am so grateful.
21/4/15
Things can replace things, but one person cannot ever replace another. There was and emptiness left blank with you, and there are voids that will never be filled now that you are gone.
2/5/15
The thing is, part of me doesn't even want to go home. I know it will be different, and different is scary. What I'd love to do is time travel back to the backyard of Como, sipping IPA and listening to my brother strum his guitar. Or to the rooftop of Albania, cigarette in one hand, and gin and tonic in the other, sobbing uncontrollably as I spill my guts to my soulmate. All my fears out there. Or back to Belitung island looking out at the stars, believing so much that there was a reason I was there at that particular moment, with those exact people. It will come. There will be moments like these. There will be more soul mates, and more happy moments wherever I go. Home to home.
6/5/15
I'm shopping for soap at the market and I mistakenly smell the wrong kind. I put it back, and go about my business and check out. It hits me when I'm standing in the middle of the road crossing the street. Its not like a ton of bricks have been thrown at me. It's like one has been plummeted directly into my chest. I just feel like a huge piece of me is missing, and I'm worried I may never get it back. I get home, putting on smiles for all the security guards. I make it to my room and then I cry. For the first time in a month. 2 whole minutes of letting it go. It feels so incredible, and I want to let more go, but I can't. It's just going to come when it comes. And that could be when I'm lying in bed at night, or when I'm nearly getting hit by a taxi.
6/5/15
I'm shopping for soap at the market and I mistakenly smell the wrong kind. I put it back, and go about my business and check out. It hits me when I'm standing in the middle of the road crossing the street. Its not like a ton of bricks have been thrown at me. It's like one has been plummeted directly into my chest. I just feel like a huge piece of me is missing, and I'm worried I may never get it back. I get home, putting on smiles for all the security guards. I make it to my room and then I cry. For the first time in a month. 2 whole minutes of letting it go. It feels so incredible, and I want to let more go, but I can't. It's just going to come when it comes. And that could be when I'm lying in bed at night, or when I'm nearly getting hit by a taxi.
16/5/15
I want to remember this feeling 3 months from now when I'm just getting started in Montenegro. I want to remember what real happiness is. Living in the moment, day-by-day without planning everything out. Acting on instinct. Enjoying every bit of life because it is mine. This ability to have my eyes open to the world around me. To travel and really see glimpses of others happiness, desperation, and love.
20/5/15
Checked my heart just to make sure it was actually beating today. It was!
20/5/15
Checked my heart just to make sure it was actually beating today. It was!
24/5/15
Life is so much more unexpected and chaotic than you ever think it will be. It takes my breath away.
27/5/15
Dreams are sometimes such a waste of time. But you need them so much to live and survive. You need the maybes, and the impossibles, and the wouldn't dares. And you need to believe in them with all that is in you, because, though more often than not they will break your heart, every once in awhile they will come true.
27/5/15
Dreams are sometimes such a waste of time. But you need them so much to live and survive. You need the maybes, and the impossibles, and the wouldn't dares. And you need to believe in them with all that is in you, because, though more often than not they will break your heart, every once in awhile they will come true.
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