"All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware" -Martin Buber

Friday, May 22, 2015

Bleeding Out

So I found out some pretty scary news this week. For the last few months little spots have been forming all over my body. It looks like a rash, but isn't itchy. I've been to the doctor a few times. The first time they diagnosed me with chicken pox. Then it was an allergic reaction or bug bites. After doing all my own research I found out it is Petachiae. Petachiae is your veins leaking out under your skin. It can be caused by so many things, so I went to a doctor again last night to get a blood test to find out if it was something serious.

Basically he told me it is very likely I have an autoimmune disorder, which means that no matter how much effort I put into taking care of my body for the last year it has been fighting me. My body is killing my bad cells as well as all my good ones. This explains why I've been sick every month, and depressed for the last 9 months. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am a control freak, so the fact that I can't control how my body feels is really hard news to get. I have been the healthiest of my life in the last 2 years, pumping my body full of fruits and veggies, cutting back my alcohol consumption and going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. The fact that none of it mattered is really annoying.

But this isn't the point of this blog. The point of this post is that I fell in love today. I have been "feeling" a lot of songs recently, but today I fell in love with a brand new one. So I've had it on repeat for the last hour dancing around my house. The best part is I get to see this band live in about 7 weeks.

It's one of those so perfect songs, that I just can't stop.

Even if I was lonely, even if I was broke
Even if all the dogs in the pound let me know
Saying it’s never over, it never ends
Grab the guns and the ammo, let us descend
To the darkest of prisons, and break their defence
We will rattle the cages, rules will be bent
Oh, remind us our days are all numbered not spent
And peace it comes easy, like mist on a ridge

[Chorus]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out

All the worries folks tell us to break all of our ties
To our families and loved ones, we leave when we fly
To these cities we think we need in our lives
Oh you Manhattan jungle, you tangle our pride

[Chorus]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out

All the buildings, they lean and they smile down on us
And they shout from their roof tops, words we can't trust
Like you’re dead, you are tired
You’re ruined, you're dust
Oh you will amount to nothing, like tanks full of rust

But we scream back at them
From below on the street
All in unison we sing, at times, been redeemed
We are all of the beauty, that has not been seen
We are full of the color, that’s never been dreamed
Well, nothing we need ever dies, yeah
Nothing we need ever dies, yeah
Nothing we need ever dies

[Chorus x2]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out.


Fuck you autoimmune disease. I'm going to figure you out and crush you with happiness and life.

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