"All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware" -Martin Buber

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Accomplishments and goals

It is hard to believe that a whole year has passed and that my little kidos who couldn't tie their shoes or put their books in the correct places are now 2nd graders!

As a teacher it often seems that there are more failures than successes, more frustrations than joys and more fears than confidence. This post will serve as both a look back on what I've managed to accomplish this year and to set goals for myself next year.

Successes
1. Reading: all my students have drastically improved their reading score, particularly in comprehension.
2. Presentations/speaking: My students went from hardly being able to speak in front of the class to standing in front of a large crowd on a stage and blasting out their own lines. I had a few students who could hardly speak english who now converse in groups as if english were their first language.
3. Cultures: I have learning a lot about culture thanks to my school. I hope next year I get to learn even more. I've also created several events to help the kids learn. I wish so much I had known more about the world when I was little. We had an international food fair, and we raised money for a charity in another part of the world. 
4. Integration: I have really enjoyed using the IPC curriculum mostly because it has allowed me to see how the subjects can drastically relate with hardly any hassle. 
5. Reflection: Staying in one place for 2 years helped with this one. I thought about the lessons more and found ways to improve them. I realized where I am flawed and took note of it. 

Goals:
1. Talk softly and have them hear. Always a challenge to not just talk over kids, particularly when you have a group of talkers, but I am tired of attaining my voice.
2. Be a more loving teacher. After being at international schools for 2 years I have to say I have become a "tough love" teacher. The kids are often babied to the point that a scratch is too much to handle, they cannot carry their own backpack, and if someone cuts the line it leads to sobbing. Its difficult for me to show them a aide that cares about these points, but I feel as though I've gotten too tough.
3. Set a higher standard for behavior. No more running in the halls, no more talking out of turn and hopefully more listening will come.
4. Give my students more responsibility. Given the fact I have some who cannot remember to pack their bags after 5 reminders this seems crazy to me. But I think that the more trust you give them the more responsible they will be. A bigger focus on class jobs and taking care of themselves is high on the list.
5. Be more organised. Some days I can't find my desk. And I've become a teacher who loses papers. What a nightmare come true!
Thank you students and parents for your excellent support to make this year a success!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

On a summer away from home

I keep mentioning summer. Matt keeps asking when that is. June, July, and August. Wonderful, marvelous months, free of kids, best spent relaxing outside among the sand and grass, hopefully with some excellent food, drinks, and music.

Last summer I left a home, visited a home, and created a new one. All in 3 short months.

This summer I do not get to visit my beautiful Minnesota. I do not get to experience the smell of the charcoal grill and the mouthwatering beer and food that go with it. I do not get to dance until my legs hurt at an outdoor bluegrass jam. I don't get to spend hours in my brother's car to get to all the shows we have on our schedule. I do not get to breathe that fresh breath of Wisconsin cow shit air, or taste any delicious cheese. I do not get to embrace my niece and nephew and spend my evenings reading them bedtime stories and my days chasing them around, nor do I get to feel the heartbreak and sting of tears when I say goodbye to them.

I'm trading this basket of emotions in for something else: 4 weeks of exploring the world through my own eyes. A week on a beach/exploring a national park in southern Java. 2 weeks of overland tour in Sulawesi with my parents, trying to show them why I love this crazy life. And to top it off a week in Malaysia, exploring the capital, getting my divers certificate, and if all goes according to plan falling more in love with my boyfriend and the life we are creating together.

A few days ago I was skyping with my niece and nephew. It had been awhile (far too long) and I was amazed by my nephews verbal skills. I could understand him! My niece thanked me for the pictures I'm sending her (thanks Mimi for the relay) and then my nephew said something that broke my heart to pieces. He said "I want to hug aunt TT." The same night, his following morning I skyped again and he said "I love TT." What a little nugget!

Some days I feel very selfish about the life I have chosen to live. My relationships are changing, i'm losing friends, I don't get to see my family as often as I should. Some days I feel lucky to have this opportunity.  My relationships are changing, I am making new friends and new family. Some days I smile and some days I cry. The most I can do it try to see the best in each experience.

I'm trading in a lot. But I'm gaining a whole lot too. Summer holiday starts in 9 short days!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Untitled Blog Post #6

10/4/14
Just had one of those "holy shit I'm on the opposite aide of the world as my entire family" moments. I just forgot how I got here and that this is my real life. I can feel the tears behind my eyes as I prepare for what may well become a mental breakdown. Then I take 3 deep breaths and remind myself that I've been doing this for awhile now and am perfectly capable of living this life.

13/4/14
I’m in the process of going through what will come to be known as PTD: Post Travel Depression. This last trip felt unsatisfying to me and I can’t exactly explain why. And when I arrived at home I just wanted some sort of mild comfort of home, but alas this is not home, and so I cannot get it. Suddenly it sinks in and the combined emotion of wanting to go home and wanting to continue the journey is too much to bear. Suddenly I’m sick of my job, my apartment, my restaurants, my grocery store, my clothes. Life makes no sense. Am I ready to go home and have roots? Do I hate traveling? Or is it the opposite: Am I ready to move on?

After not being able to find hydrogen peroxide to clean out my very infected foot wound, an unsatisfying cold burger and plain salad (after an hour wait) in an empty restaurant, and a walk home I cannot hold back the tears anymore. No one has ever seen me openly deal with my homesickness. I’m not sure how to explain to my boyfriend exactly what I’m feeling and suddenly amongst the held back tears and crabbiness I blurt out “I’m homesick. But not for America. I want to go back to the Balkans.” I try to explain to Matt how different travel is depending on where you are. I try to remember the economic and agenda freedom.  What is it with my fixation on the previous place I was? I’m trying desperately to enjoy my travel here. I have had some really fantastic experiences, seen some incredible sights and enjoyed the company of my awesome friends. But I’m sick of the ocean, I’m sick of snorkeling, I’m sick of spending hours in cars to get nowhere and see mediocre views, I’m sick of the worst tasting fish that everyone seems to think is the best tasting fish, and I’m sick to death of rice and pilsners.

17/4/14
Not sure, but this may just be the most homesick I've ever been. I'm sitting in the back of a cab sobbing my eyes out. We are moving so slow that people are staring in as we pass, looking with their eyes of judgment and worry. I got in the cab an hour ago and am about 2 miles from home. I haven't drank anything and I have to pee. It's another 3 hours to my destination. No stops. Can I walk to Karawaci? I beg to become lost in myself, and to find myself. I don't know where I've gone, or how to get back.

28/4/14
Dear old travel buddies. I miss you.

29/4/14
Today I am hating who I am, because she does not match up with her passions. I need to find myself. I need to remember who I am. Where did I go? I can feel myself pulling away and drifting deep beneath the shadows of my confusion, and hiding there. Part of me prays for the walls to be torn in two and never built back up again. Another part of me wants to remain with the confusion and pain. This is homesickness like I have never felt before. I'm not homesick for a place, I'm homesick for who I used to be. But I fear what I fear about everything. It is fleeting and once changed can never go back.


22/5/14
I rode my first ojek today and cannot believe it has taken me this long to get to this point. Mostly ojeks are pointless for me since I don't go far enough away from home by myself. This makes splitting a cab way cheaper. However, after waiting in the pouring rain for 90 minutes and being unable to catch a cab Angie and I both decided to hop on the back of some random motor bikes for 6 bucks each rather than splitting a 4 dollar cab. What a crazy ride! Also my most behind student passed a level 6 reading test today! This means he is now at about an average of where the other kids started the year. Unfortunately this still means his is the lowest reader. But for teachers it is small victories.

27/5/14
As I come to the close of this school year I am realizing a few things. Firstly this has been my biggest growing year as a teacher. I have learned a lot and I'm looking ridiculously forward to getting a second year in the same place to advance my abilities further. Secondly this is the longest I have ever been away from home. I don't know how I'm going to manage doubling it, but the traveling I have been doing has certainly helped. We'll see if seeing my parents will help or make matters worse. Thirdly, I really don't want to be a teacher when I grow up. I hate to be one of "those" teachers who give it up because it is exhausting, but I want a life outside of my job. Maybe it's just Jakarta that sucks, but I've started to give my future plans some thought and have begun to brainstorm them with Matt and my parents. We'll see what the future holds. And lastly, forever starts now! So it's time I start appreciating it a bit more.

1/6/14
11 months. I have been here for 11 months. 13 more to go. How crazy is that? Last week one of Matt's friends who traveled through Jakarta shortly after Matthew and I started dating, died on a hospital bed in Vietnam. He had what he presumed to be a stomach bug, had his friends continue their travels without him claiming to meet up later, and then just died. Yesterday someone went into Matt's bag that he left of a beach and took his cash and phone. Traveling isn't looking so glamorous right now. Maybe I'll just lock myself in my room and continue to eat myself silly.

9/6/14
I may not be able to answer many questions about my future, and I'm sure others are getting as sick of hearing my cliched statement of "time will tell" or "we'll see" combined with my "I have no idea"s as I am. This weekend I realized 2  things I know without a doubt I want for my future.

1. I want to keep learning. Everyday I want to wake up and see the world with my eyes. I want to read books, try food, learn languages, watch people dance, listen to new music, and ask questions to discover more about the world. I want to challenge myself, and I want to love my life.

2. I want to wake up next to you each morning and fall asleep in your arms each night.