10/4/14
Just had one of those "holy shit I'm on the opposite aide of the world as my entire family" moments. I just forgot how I got here and that this is my real life. I can feel the tears behind my eyes as I prepare for what may well become a mental breakdown. Then I take 3 deep breaths and remind myself that I've been doing this for awhile now and am perfectly capable of living this life.
13/4/14
I’m in the process of going through what will come to be
known as PTD: Post Travel Depression. This last trip felt unsatisfying to me
and I can’t exactly explain why. And when I arrived at home I just wanted
some sort of mild comfort of home, but alas this is not home, and so I cannot
get it. Suddenly it sinks in and the combined emotion of wanting to go home and
wanting to continue the journey is too much to bear. Suddenly I’m sick of my
job, my apartment, my restaurants, my grocery store, my clothes. Life makes no
sense. Am I ready to go home and have roots? Do I hate traveling? Or is it the
opposite: Am I ready to move on?
After not being able to find hydrogen peroxide to clean out
my very infected foot wound, an unsatisfying cold burger and plain salad (after
an hour wait) in an empty restaurant, and a walk home I cannot hold back the
tears anymore. No one has ever seen me openly deal with my homesickness. I’m
not sure how to explain to my boyfriend exactly what I’m feeling and suddenly
amongst the held back tears and crabbiness I blurt out “I’m homesick. But not
for America. I want to go back to the Balkans.” I try to explain to Matt how
different travel is depending on where you are. I try to remember the economic and
agenda freedom. What is it with my
fixation on the previous place I was? I’m trying desperately to enjoy my travel
here. I have had some really fantastic experiences, seen some incredible sights
and enjoyed the company of my awesome friends. But I’m sick of the ocean, I’m
sick of snorkeling, I’m sick of spending hours in cars to get nowhere and see mediocre views, I’m sick
of the worst tasting fish that everyone seems to think is the best tasting
fish, and I’m sick to death of rice and pilsners.
17/4/14
Not sure, but this may just be the most homesick I've ever been. I'm sitting in the back of a cab sobbing my eyes out. We are moving so slow that people are staring in as we pass, looking with their eyes of judgment and worry. I got in the cab an hour ago and am about 2 miles from home. I haven't drank anything and I have to pee. It's another 3 hours to my destination. No stops. Can I walk to Karawaci? I beg to become lost in myself, and to find myself. I don't know where I've gone, or how to get back.
28/4/14
Dear old travel buddies. I miss you.
29/4/14
Today I am hating who I am, because she does not match up with her passions. I need to find myself. I need to remember who I am. Where did I go? I can feel myself pulling away and drifting deep beneath the shadows of my confusion, and hiding there. Part of me prays for the walls to be torn in two and never built back up again. Another part of me wants to remain with the confusion and pain. This is homesickness like I have never felt before. I'm not homesick for a place, I'm homesick for who I used to be. But I fear what I fear about everything. It is fleeting and once changed can never go back.
22/5/14
I rode my first ojek today and cannot believe it has taken me this long to get to this point. Mostly ojeks are pointless for me since I don't go far enough away from home by myself. This makes splitting a cab way cheaper. However, after waiting in the pouring rain for 90 minutes and being unable to catch a cab Angie and I both decided to hop on the back of some random motor bikes for 6 bucks each rather than splitting a 4 dollar cab. What a crazy ride! Also my most behind student passed a level 6 reading test today! This means he is now at about an average of where the other kids started the year. Unfortunately this still means his is the lowest reader. But for teachers it is small victories.
27/5/14
As I come to the close of this school year I am realizing a few things. Firstly this has been my biggest growing year as a teacher. I have learned a lot and I'm looking ridiculously forward to getting a second year in the same place to advance my abilities further. Secondly this is the longest I have ever been away from home. I don't know how I'm going to manage doubling it, but the traveling I have been doing has certainly helped. We'll see if seeing my parents will help or make matters worse. Thirdly, I really don't want to be a teacher when I grow up. I hate to be one of "those" teachers who give it up because it is exhausting, but I want a life outside of my job. Maybe it's just Jakarta that sucks, but I've started to give my future plans some thought and have begun to brainstorm them with Matt and my parents. We'll see what the future holds. And lastly, forever starts now! So it's time I start appreciating it a bit more.
1/6/14
11 months. I have been here for 11 months. 13 more to go. How crazy is that? Last week one of Matt's friends who traveled through Jakarta shortly after Matthew and I started dating, died on a hospital bed in Vietnam. He had what he presumed to be a stomach bug, had his friends continue their travels without him claiming to meet up later, and then just died. Yesterday someone went into Matt's bag that he left of a beach and took his cash and phone. Traveling isn't looking so glamorous right now. Maybe I'll just lock myself in my room and continue to eat myself silly.
9/6/14
I may not be able to answer many questions about my future, and I'm sure others are getting as sick of hearing my cliched statement of "time will tell" or "we'll see" combined with my "I have no idea"s as I am. This weekend I realized 2 things I know without a doubt I want for my future.
1. I want to keep learning. Everyday I want to wake up and see the world with my eyes. I want to read books, try food, learn languages, watch people dance, listen to new music, and ask questions to discover more about the world. I want to challenge myself, and I want to love my life.
2. I want to wake up next to you each morning and fall asleep in your arms each night.
28/4/14
Dear old travel buddies. I miss you.
29/4/14
Today I am hating who I am, because she does not match up with her passions. I need to find myself. I need to remember who I am. Where did I go? I can feel myself pulling away and drifting deep beneath the shadows of my confusion, and hiding there. Part of me prays for the walls to be torn in two and never built back up again. Another part of me wants to remain with the confusion and pain. This is homesickness like I have never felt before. I'm not homesick for a place, I'm homesick for who I used to be. But I fear what I fear about everything. It is fleeting and once changed can never go back.
22/5/14
I rode my first ojek today and cannot believe it has taken me this long to get to this point. Mostly ojeks are pointless for me since I don't go far enough away from home by myself. This makes splitting a cab way cheaper. However, after waiting in the pouring rain for 90 minutes and being unable to catch a cab Angie and I both decided to hop on the back of some random motor bikes for 6 bucks each rather than splitting a 4 dollar cab. What a crazy ride! Also my most behind student passed a level 6 reading test today! This means he is now at about an average of where the other kids started the year. Unfortunately this still means his is the lowest reader. But for teachers it is small victories.
27/5/14
As I come to the close of this school year I am realizing a few things. Firstly this has been my biggest growing year as a teacher. I have learned a lot and I'm looking ridiculously forward to getting a second year in the same place to advance my abilities further. Secondly this is the longest I have ever been away from home. I don't know how I'm going to manage doubling it, but the traveling I have been doing has certainly helped. We'll see if seeing my parents will help or make matters worse. Thirdly, I really don't want to be a teacher when I grow up. I hate to be one of "those" teachers who give it up because it is exhausting, but I want a life outside of my job. Maybe it's just Jakarta that sucks, but I've started to give my future plans some thought and have begun to brainstorm them with Matt and my parents. We'll see what the future holds. And lastly, forever starts now! So it's time I start appreciating it a bit more.
1/6/14
11 months. I have been here for 11 months. 13 more to go. How crazy is that? Last week one of Matt's friends who traveled through Jakarta shortly after Matthew and I started dating, died on a hospital bed in Vietnam. He had what he presumed to be a stomach bug, had his friends continue their travels without him claiming to meet up later, and then just died. Yesterday someone went into Matt's bag that he left of a beach and took his cash and phone. Traveling isn't looking so glamorous right now. Maybe I'll just lock myself in my room and continue to eat myself silly.
9/6/14
I may not be able to answer many questions about my future, and I'm sure others are getting as sick of hearing my cliched statement of "time will tell" or "we'll see" combined with my "I have no idea"s as I am. This weekend I realized 2 things I know without a doubt I want for my future.
1. I want to keep learning. Everyday I want to wake up and see the world with my eyes. I want to read books, try food, learn languages, watch people dance, listen to new music, and ask questions to discover more about the world. I want to challenge myself, and I want to love my life.
2. I want to wake up next to you each morning and fall asleep in your arms each night.
Sending lots of love your way, girl! I can relate to so much of what you're going through.
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