Thankful!

Thanksgiving is here once again. I was trying to think of something creative to write about this year. 3 years ago I wrote a top ten things I was thankful for. 2 years ago I was living abroad for the first time and wrote a comparison. Last year I wrote about the top ten moments of the past year that made me Thankful. What to do this year?

Five Things I should be Thankful for, but am sinister about:

1. The fact that where I go next year is decided. I'm anxious about it because I still have no job, it's not really where I want to be, and there are so many unknowns. I'm used to the unknowns, but usually those unknowns don't rely quite so much on another person. 

Reason why I should let go and just be thankful: I found love. And it is crazy amazing, and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe, and even though I've been super crazy clingy, stressed to the core version of myself for the last 2 months my boyfriend still loves me and communicates with me, and pushes me to be the better version of myself. 

2. Difficult students, and a large classroom. More often than not I find myself frustrated with dealing with highly energetic little boys, students who are way behind, and students who need to be pushed further. 

Reason why I should be thankful: I am learning new things everyday. I am becoming a better teacher, and setting new goals. 

3. Living in Jakarta. This city is slowly killing me from the inside out. I have lost many things I loved about myself. My passion for live music, my desire to learn more about food and beer, my love for nature. 

Reason why I should be thankful: I know who I am now. And in the future I can enjoy getting all those little parts of me back. I'm going to be so strong. Including my stomach which has just begun yet another cycle of severe pains and constant trips to the bathroom.

4. My student loans. Weighing me down, and stressing me out constantly. $42 grand to go. 

Reason I should be thankful: I have an education. I've paid off 18 grand in the last 2.5 years, and spent another 5 grand on my education. I've done this while traveling the world. These loans are one reason why I left the states in the first place. Hopefully with another 4 years they can be gone. 

5. Missing home and my family. All of them. Somedays I would give anything for a week just walking the streets of Tirana and drinking espressos and eating quofte. Or to head to a Monday night concert at 331 and a Tuesday morning walk to Stone Arch. Or midnight pizza fries and bloodies, or running into random people from my past. It is so strange.

Reason why I should be thankful: I have homes and family and friends all over this vast world, and as opportunity arises I will get to visit them. 

So there you have it. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

I Could Be Wild and Free

I'll say it. Life is not getting easier. But yet, it would seem I am the biggest barrier. Or am I?

In reality I have made my fair number of mistakes in my life, and I know it doesn't help matters to review them or to preview possible mistakes I may be making right now and how they could break everything. However, at the same point, I am a planner. It is one of my best features. I'm prepared for everything and I know my options and the general outcome of each one before I make my choices.

I have no one to talk to. I have never felt as lonely as I have in the last 6 months of my life. I feel like I don't even have myself anymore. Every piece of me has been compromised. I've given so much, and it still hasn't made me happy. Maybe I'm too selfish? Maybe in reality I have given nothing? No. I have given enough, and I will give no more. At some point I need to learn to stand my ground or I will end up with nothing.

Everything is a constant battle. Small comments turn into anger. Things that seemed to come with ease are now difficult parts of my day, making even the minor setback seem like a chaotic explosion. I go through the daily tasks and put in my efforts, and yet I'm watching from a distance concerned about how I managed to end up back to where I was when I was 21: Completely unhappy with my life, feeling no self worth, and being trapped in the feelings I can not express, and no one can comprehend.

I had two glorious weeks away from this city. I was happy. I met people, I experience real life, I felt loved. I came back, and two weeks in I am a complete wreck. There is no doubt in my mind now that this city is a life ruiner. I have listened to so much music these last few weeks, just trying to pull my thoughts together. Heres a few for you Jakarta:

7.5 months and I am out of here. And never ever returning. This city sucks the life out of people. 

Phnom Penh: History and Culture

I arrived after quite the layover in Singapore but was renewed by my curiosity. Visa was easy even though I didn't have all the "required" documents. And I bought a SIM card and data plan for 5 dollars, and caught a tuk tuk into the city. I was meant to text the boys when I landed, but couldn't seem to get that part of my phone working. Luckily enough Robert was super tall and I spotted Jim easily. We enjoyed a breakfast of pork, rice, and eggs followed by coffee with Bailey's and some yummy Belgian abbey ale. Then after catching up on life we headed to the market for some noodle soup and so Scott and Robert could show me some things and buy their veggies and meat for the week. The iced coffee I had was sugary, but so delicious.

The best part about Scott and Roberts house is the large open air balcony. I could sit up there for hours as long as there was a breeze. So we grabbed some beers and did just that. Robert managed to call and book a ticket for the following morning for me to get to Siem Reap. 

balcony!

We headed to the Royal Palace and stopped on the way to pick up my bus ticket. After I had it in my hand (13 dollars for an 8 hour ride) we stopped for some beers and to split a pizza before heading to the greenery by the palace for sunset. 

This was of course accompanied by a bottle of wine and chats with local monks about Cambodian schooling and cultures. I couldn't get over the beauty of the birds flying around the palace, the community of people hanging out, and the general splendor of being in nature.

We took a tuk-tuk home, drank some water and did some more chatting before heading to bed early. Overall I had an excellent first day.

I spent most of the rest of my time traveling, but came back to Phnom Penh for the last 2 days. One of those days I walked with Scott to pay the electric bill. It was quite the journey, but this is sort of my favorite way to experience the culture of the city. Afterwards we went to see the White Building because I had read some interesting articles about its demolition and felt like this was a necessary stop. On the way home we made a quick stop at the russian market to get ingredients to make dinner. 

The White Building

We ended up have a BBQ night and just relaxing, followed by an early bed time.

The next day was my touristy day. I hired a tuk-tuk driver for 20 dollars for the whole day. He took me first to The Killing Fields, which is exactly as its name suggests. This is the place where the Khmer Rouge soldiers took victims to mass murder them. I highly recommend going even though it was depressing. Absolutely worth the money to learn more about the history. They will give you a little audio player that is filled with information and stories from survivors and executioners. I had to pause a moment to cry at the baby mass grave as I listened about how the executioners would beat the babies against the tree to kill them before tossing them in the grave pile. I also had to fast forward through a portion of the miracle tree story. This is where they hung speakers to play music to drown out the screams of death. When they started playing the music I nearly lost it thinking about how this is exactly the opposite purpose of music.

The mass grave for children

Memorial for those who died. If you look closely you can see all the skulls and bones inside.

Once I finished here I was driven to the genocide museum, a high school that was converted into a torture camp in its previous life. Here I saw the cells and torture devices used, as well as many pictures of those that died. I was ready to move away from the whole death thing, so I headed to the royal palace.

On arrival I realized I was inappropriately dressed since I was wearing shorts. I was going to cost me extra to rent shorts and I didn't really fancy spending 10 dollars (plus cost of cover up) to see lots of pretty things, so I skipped it and headed to the national museum. This was also a huge bore, filled with statues that had been taken from the Angkor Wat temple I had seen previously in the week. Maybe I'm just not one for museums. I finished off the day with some beers and lunch along the riverfront.

I headed back to the apartment stopping to pick up some items for dinner on the way. Robert made butter chicken that night and after chilling for awhile Scott and I went garbage hunting for more items to add to their garden. It was quite the blast of a last night. I woke up fairly early to pack up and make my long journey (only because of the layover) home. I was sad to say goodbye to my boys. But I'm starting to become more convinced that we will just always manage to see each other. Connected for a lifetime.