I Could Be Wild and Free

I'll say it. Life is not getting easier. But yet, it would seem I am the biggest barrier. Or am I?

In reality I have made my fair number of mistakes in my life, and I know it doesn't help matters to review them or to preview possible mistakes I may be making right now and how they could break everything. However, at the same point, I am a planner. It is one of my best features. I'm prepared for everything and I know my options and the general outcome of each one before I make my choices.

I have no one to talk to. I have never felt as lonely as I have in the last 6 months of my life. I feel like I don't even have myself anymore. Every piece of me has been compromised. I've given so much, and it still hasn't made me happy. Maybe I'm too selfish? Maybe in reality I have given nothing? No. I have given enough, and I will give no more. At some point I need to learn to stand my ground or I will end up with nothing.

Everything is a constant battle. Small comments turn into anger. Things that seemed to come with ease are now difficult parts of my day, making even the minor setback seem like a chaotic explosion. I go through the daily tasks and put in my efforts, and yet I'm watching from a distance concerned about how I managed to end up back to where I was when I was 21: Completely unhappy with my life, feeling no self worth, and being trapped in the feelings I can not express, and no one can comprehend.

I had two glorious weeks away from this city. I was happy. I met people, I experience real life, I felt loved. I came back, and two weeks in I am a complete wreck. There is no doubt in my mind now that this city is a life ruiner. I have listened to so much music these last few weeks, just trying to pull my thoughts together. Heres a few for you Jakarta:

7.5 months and I am out of here. And never ever returning. This city sucks the life out of people.