I Could Be Wild and Free

I'll say it. Life is not getting easier. But yet, it would seem I am the biggest barrier. Or am I?

In reality I have made my fair number of mistakes in my life, and I know it doesn't help matters to review them or to preview possible mistakes I may be making right now and how they could break everything. However, at the same point, I am a planner. It is one of my best features. I'm prepared for everything and I know my options and the general outcome of each one before I make my choices.

I have no one to talk to. I have never felt as lonely as I have in the last 6 months of my life. I feel like I don't even have myself anymore. Every piece of me has been compromised. I've given so much, and it still hasn't made me happy. Maybe I'm too selfish? Maybe in reality I have given nothing? No. I have given enough, and I will give no more. At some point I need to learn to stand my ground or I will end up with nothing.

Everything is a constant battle. Small comments turn into anger. Things that seemed to come with ease are now difficult parts of my day, making even the minor setback seem like a chaotic explosion. I go through the daily tasks and put in my efforts, and yet I'm watching from a distance concerned about how I managed to end up back to where I was when I was 21: Completely unhappy with my life, feeling no self worth, and being trapped in the feelings I can not express, and no one can comprehend.

I had two glorious weeks away from this city. I was happy. I met people, I experience real life, I felt loved. I came back, and two weeks in I am a complete wreck. There is no doubt in my mind now that this city is a life ruiner. I have listened to so much music these last few weeks, just trying to pull my thoughts together. Heres a few for you Jakarta:

7.5 months and I am out of here. And never ever returning. This city sucks the life out of people. 

Jakarta rocks my socks off!

Reasons why Jakarta rocks my socks off in comparison to Albania

If you are expecting a post about the incredible beer and amazing live music you are kidding yourself. Minneapolis has everywhere beat as far as my eyes can see. I asked the music teacher at our school about good live music. He asked me to clarify the kind. Bluegrass doesn't exist here. Jazz? Come to my house he says. He nearly fainted when he found out I played saxophone and didn't bring it with me. He wanted a jam buddy. Beer? One word. Pilsner. There is more, but nothing good enough to spend the amount they are asking for it. So onto the reason I'm writing this post. Just a few of the reasons why Jakarta kicks Albania's ass.

1. I have someone to live with and she rocks! I did not enjoy living on my own in Albania. At all. It has taken a bit of adjusting, but overall me and Angie get along great and I'm very happy to not have so much time alone.

2. The support my school offers me. My partner teacher rocks, and all the other teachers are so willing to throw in an extra set of hands whenever they can. I have been amazed by the resources and help I have had, and will continue to receive. That being said there are also some things about it that annoy me, but not enough to outweigh the pluses.
3. The food. I'm so sick of rice! But I've been doing really well at making salads and pasta with lots of veggies. Also, I paid about $20 for a blender and the fruit smoothies I've been making are better than any I've ever had. There are choices around every corner. From burgers and fries to Indian food and curries. Papaya, mangoes, kiwi, and other random fruits. Every time I go to the market there is something new I want to try. Also there are some basic comforts from home, such as A&W. Now if I just had an oven, and some cheddar....
4. Kindness. I was told Albania was the most hospitable country in the world. Pure lies. Anyone who visits the two countries and compares will tell you that Indonesia far out does Albania. At least in day to day circumstances. This is not to say that Albanians are rude, but you can't help but smile at the hospitality. Everyone says hello, and for the most part it is in a kind, uncreepy way.
5. The gym in my building. Thank god for a way to work out my frustration in a healthy way each night. I've lost 5 kilos, which I desperately needed to do. I used to go home and drink whiskey and while I miss the whiskey, this way is probably much more healthy.
6. There are things to do in the city. I mean things to do other than walking around and drinking beer and coffee all day long. How strange it is to be able to take a cab 30 minutes away to see a cool sight or visit a nice park. I don't know where to begin on my holiday travel plans, but every time I talk to anyone they are mentioning somewhere else I want to go.

So that is just a few of the many reasons why my life here rocks.

For the Love of Harmonica

After a long day at work today I headed to the gym. After remembering that the summer party at the Larvae Lounge was this weekend I decided to put on on the roses. For those of you who have no idea let me clue you in. The roses is a mix my brother and his friends created back home, based on meticulous requirements. It consisted mainly of old song by very well known song writers, mostly songs about heartbreak. Back in Albania I couldn't get through more than 3 songs on the playlist without crying. It made me more homesick than anything. Tonight, I listened to at least 7 and didn't feel sad. sure, it makes me miss my 3B's: My beer, my boys, and my live bands, but overall I still managed to smile through my workout. Then I realized why a girl needs whiskey:

So she can quit analyzing the lyrics, and trying to find some sort of meaning in them. She needs to stop feeling like the song was written for her. She needs to stop analyzing the past, stop contemplating the questions of the present, and stop wondering about the future. Whiskey allows her to drown out the lyrics and let the simple melody fill her soul with the feeling that everything will be alright, and all she has to do is live. And maybe dance.

I need some harmonica in my life. This song took me back to my brothers wonderful piano version in Switzerland. There is just something about it.