Untitled Blog Post #9

22/1/15
Amazing things are happening in my life right now.

For example the fact that I'm feeling very happy and grateful for everything I have. The fact that I'm starting to get less nervous about the decisions I made for next year, even though I still haven't found a job, and I had an excellent day of teaching. I have been having a lot of those recently. Today one of my students passed a level 4 reading test. Now this is still a low level for first grade (most of my students are at level 9 or 10) but he started out not understanding how to point to the words. Not only was I crazy proud of him, but all the other kids were cheering for him and smiling. These are kids who usually say, "You are only at level 3?!?!" with a confused face. We have taught them kindness, and understanding that each student works at his or her own pace and an accomplishment is and accomplishment no matter how small. Loving my students right now!

22/2/15
I have no idea what the end of this week looks like. I could have a job in Singapore and be planning a move with the man I love. Or.....I could be offered a job somewhere else and accept it. I'm just not sure anymore what I want or what will make me happy.

13/3/15
I am walking down a traffic filled Jakarta street and I'm happy for no reason other than the fact that I get to eat pizza tonight. And spend the next 20 hours with my man. I follow that up with a quick trip to Romania to visit and interview at an amazing school. And then I get to come back to my wonderful partner teacher and beautiful students. And to top it all off I get a 2 week long paid vacation to a destination of my choice. Which is yet to be decided. Sure my life can be crazy, chaotic, and physically, mentally and emotionally draining. But it is amazing!!!!

15/3/15
And when the sun rises back home I cannot help but feel that I am meant to be waking up in your arms.

16/3/15
I feel like I am cheating. For everything I love about this place I want to punch myself for cheating on one dream with another. I cannot be here when I am dying to be there.

23/3/15
I know where I belong and I know who I belong with. And I am so angry at the world for putting the person I belong with so far away from the place I belong. My mom's constant quotation that "no news means good news," is starting to drive me nuts as I think about how so many times I believed it and now I don't. I want news.

28/3/15
I have never felt so much anger at one time, and the only way of letting it out seems to be my tears. No job yet. I feel as though I hate every aspect of my life, and the only good part of it just left, possibly forever. I got out of the house for a bit, but the second I walked back through that door, the simple smell of bacon reminded me of how amazing we are, and anger and jealousy, and thoughts of unfairness envelop me and I break down again. I am exactly where I was 3 years ago. Heartbroken, lost, and completely unsure or who I am, what I want, or where I'm going. None of this is okay anymore. The only comfort I have is knowing that somewhere along the way I found myself, and I learned. Change is coming soon. If I could just know how and where, life would be on the upswing.