Buckets of Fun: Maya Bay

I spent my first 2 days of Thailand in Phuket. I traveled alone for the first few days of my trip, mostly because I just didn't want my sadness to rub off on anyone, and also because my hostel was empty and I was too lazy to put forth an effort.

I woke up on Tuesday ready to get out of Phuket, and with a new attitude for my trip. I got in a van which seemed to be full of couples. I tried to get a convo started but everyone was still sleepy and angry at having to ride in a packed van. A random dude got in last, eating his breakfast as he went. When we all piled out of the van I noticed he had some interesting instrument hanging from his pack so I took my cue and asked him about it. The rest of the boat ride was spent sharing our travels. He then informed me the following day would be his birthday, so we made plans to party together (which I later backed out of...) and he told me about this amazing tour he would be  taking to the beach where Leonardo Dicaprio filmed "The Beach." I mentioned I had zero things planned and he suggested I at least go with him and see if there is room, to which I agreed. And there was room! Thank goodness because this trip defined the rest of my time in Thailand.

We spent the next few hours wandering around Phi Phi and I already knew I would probably hate it, so I was happy to be leaving and spending the night on a boat. In the office of the tour company we were introduced to a very odd, what would turn out to be Australian dude, who claimed he was from some country that didn't actually exist.

Later on the boat the Australian dude blew his cover, and we were introduced to a few more people, some of whom I ended up traveling with for the rest of the trip. Once we arrived in Maya Bay we were taken to the island on a small speed boat and of course we all immediately started drinking beers. We walked around the island a bit and explored leisurely. Mostly, we watched the rest of the people leave for the day in their longboats as we were the only ones allowed to stay on the island for the night (there were only about 15 of us in total.)

A bit before sunset we swam over to another small strip of sand to watch the sunset. The swim over was rough, probably because we all decided to take full beers with us and attempted, for a little while, to keep them cool and out of the water. We explored the island looking at the stones piled up neatly all around the cliffs. I learned in Cambodia, that monks and Buddhists do this to represent their devotion to nature and the beauty surrounding them. So, of course, we all decided to make our own pile.

Then we sat down for one amazing sunset. I'll let the pictures do the talking....

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After the sun had set they sent a boat to pick us up (thank god we didn't have to do that swim again) and we ate a dinner of Penang curry, vegetables, and buckets. Basically a bucket is a like a sand bucket filled with liquor, redbull, and another mixer. I had a delicious vodka, red bull, sprite, and 3 plates of amazing curry. 

Then we spend the night partying on the beach,having deep conversations, and  followed it by a night of sleeping on the boat with thin mats and hard pillows.

The morning was a bit rough. We wandered around the beach and enjoyed taking pictures of the emptiness. The trip back to Phi Phi was filled with smiles as I remembered the amazingness of travelling solo, and meeting random people, who somehow, just seem like they were always a part of you life. 

Travel versus Vacation

So, I can guarantee that not a single person who knew me before I was 20 or probably even 22 would have guessed I'd be the kind of girl traveling the world, let alone living abroad and taking solo trips with ease. But this blog isn't about that. This blog is about the vast difference between vacation and travel.

I'm here to tell you that if you think you are a traveller, most likely you are actually a vacationer. And I'm here to tell you why you should quit vacationing and start traveling. I might not even stop there...I might try to convince you to take a solo trip.

So first up is the difference between vacationing and traveling. When you vacation, you book ahead. I don't mean just the hotel, I mean the tours and more than likely, the 5 star restaurants. You probably also pack your belongings into a nice size suitcase with plenty of nice outfits, toiletries, and if you are a girl enough accessories and make-up for any occasion. You drink fancy drinks in fancy places. Likely, you are with a significant other, or a small group of friends or family. You get a good night sleep.

When you travel, you do not book ahead. Plane tickets, yes, and maybe the first night or two. Then you just sort of leave it up to fate. People recommend the best tours and cheap food around, and you learn to go with the flow. You eat when you are hungry and have a damn beer or coffee when and where you want one. And lets be realistic, I have had a beer as early as 6 am, and on any given bus, curvy road, toilet seat, or outside any random number of 7elevens at all hours of the day. You don't wash your hair, because you don't want to run out of shampoo, and who cares if you have mascara on? It's just gonna get washed off in the sweat, tears, ocean water, or rain. If you are lucky you've met a travel buddy who shares a similar beer/bus schedule with you. Or if you are really lucky you are in that "I need a day to do what I want to do" mode, and owning it. You wake up several times a night when a girl comes in to cry that she's been robbed while having sex with some guy on a beach, or when people get in at 3am from the overnight bus. You listen intently as the hostel manager explains that the best he can do is to recommend that you go back and finish the sex because the Thai cops aren't going to do anything about it, and its 1am, or as the girl next to you tries to unpack as quietly as possible only to realize she has THE loudest zipper in the world.

Vacation is about comfort and relaxation. You can find relaxation in travel, but that is not its purpose or promise.

Travel is about finding discomfort, and diving head first into it.

It's about the rocky roads when a random stranger is driving on what can be assumed to be the wrong side of the street. It's about the person who offers you a beer. It's about throwing up with strangers listening to you, because you have the 3rd world stomach bug. It's about dancing because you can. It's about 10 pm coffees and 6am beers. Its about local liquor. It's about being the girl who packs at 5am to catch a bus. It's about skinny dipping. It's about the best food also being the cheapest. It's about counting your money and hoping you have enough. It's about washing underwear in the sink. It's about walking for hours to get no where. Its about telling your deepest secrets to people who have known you less than 5 hours. It's about changing your mind, and never regretting it. It's about the moments you realize who you really are.

And it changes you into this person you thought you didn't have enough strength to be. You become a better version of yourself with each passing hour.

Travel is about, in the words of Sufjan Stevens, "Trusting Things Beyond Mistake." When I travel, I believe in fate, and purpose, and life meaning.

So don't vacation. Mostly because it supports the wrong (already rich) people, but also because it is far less fun and worthwhile. Get out of that comfort zone. Do a little research and book a ticket. Give the world some credit and see what you see and who you meet. 

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2/4/15
We spend the day drinking on the boat and watching the sunset. For the last potion of the ride I lay in the darkness at the front, feeling the wind blow over my hot sticky body. I look up at the stars and remember that first amazing night we had together looking at them. I realize I CAN do this whole life thing by myself, and I CAN be happy doing it alone, but there will always be a little bit of you in me. I watch the lights of the city draw nearer and a small tear crawls out of my eye. But then I realize I am smiling. It is a tear of happiness because you happened. You happened to me. How lucky I am to have had the opportunity to not only love someone as amazing as you, but to be loved in return. A few days ago my mom sent me pictures of some of my old school items she found as she was cleaning the house. "My worst fear" it states at the top. My worst fear is that I will never fall in love or have my heart broken. But I have experienced both.

8/4/15

I want to be whole on my own again, but do not know where to begin. Then I realize I want so much more than wholeness. I want to be a whole person who can stand on my own and then I want to meet someone who causes me to pour out over the top. Who adds to my life, and doesn't make me question it. You were that for awhile and then we ruined it with too much us and too little of ourselves.

It is painful to imagine giving myself so fully to someone else, so I pretend I have nothing to give. It feels painful, but it is realistic. Where did I go?

14/4/15

I feel as though I am exactly where I was 3 years ago when I left home for the great unknown. Single, heartbroken, self conscious,  and wanting a fresh start. This year I grew backward. I lost a little of who I was. 2 steps forward and one step back. Eventually I will get where I'm going.

Sometimes things just don't work out the way you hoped they would. And that is okay. The important thing is to reflect on what went right and what went wrong. Take the lessons with you and move on. Keep the good memories, let go of the bad, and find peace with what has been given to you. 

20/4/15
I miss you like crazy and yet life without you feels correct. It feels exciting, and my own. I'm meeting new people, I'm focused on my job and improving myself, and I'm wondering why we ever really thought we could work. I'm wondering why we wasted so much time clinging to something that was so obviously wrong for us both. Sometimes though, I do miss the happy us, dreaming about the future places we would go, or telling secrets in our beds at night in those first few months of being crazy in love. I want desperately to feel that again. Which is a sign that I should do the opposite and soak up the lonely night of books in my bed.  I haven't felt this happy in months. I am so grateful. 

21/4/15

Things can replace things, but one person cannot ever replace another. There was and emptiness left blank with you, and there are voids that will never be filled now that you are gone. 

2/5/15

The thing is, part of me doesn't even want to go home. I know it will be different, and different is scary. What I'd love to do is time travel back to the backyard of Como, sipping IPA and listening to my brother strum his guitar. Or to the rooftop of Albania, cigarette in one hand, and gin and tonic in the other, sobbing uncontrollably as I spill my guts to my soulmate. All my fears out there. Or back to Belitung island looking out at the stars, believing so much that there was a reason I was there at that particular moment, with those exact people. It will come. There will be moments like these. There will be more soul mates, and more happy moments wherever I go. Home to home.

6/5/15
I'm shopping for soap at the market and I mistakenly smell the wrong kind. I put it back, and go about my business and check out. It hits me when I'm standing in the middle of the road crossing the street. Its not like a ton of bricks have been thrown at me. It's like one has been plummeted directly into my chest.  I just feel like a huge piece of me is missing, and I'm worried I may never get it back. I get home, putting on smiles for all the security guards. I make it to my room and then I cry. For the first time in a month. 2 whole minutes of letting it go. It feels so incredible, and I want to let more go, but I can't. It's just going to come when it comes. And that could be when I'm lying in bed at night, or when I'm nearly getting hit by a taxi. 

16/5/15

I want to remember this feeling 3 months from now when I'm just getting started in Montenegro. I want to remember what real happiness is. Living in the moment, day-by-day without planning everything out. Acting on instinct. Enjoying every bit of life because it is mine. This ability to have my eyes open to the world around me. To travel and really see glimpses of others happiness, desperation, and love.

20/5/15
Checked my heart just to make sure it was actually beating today. It was! 

24/5/15

Life is so much more unexpected and chaotic than you ever think it will be. It takes my breath away.

27/5/15
Dreams are sometimes such a waste of time. But you need them so much to live and survive. You need the maybes, and the impossibles, and the wouldn't dares. And you need to believe in them with all that is in you, because, though more often than not they will break your heart, every once in awhile they will come true.

Bleeding Out

So I found out some pretty scary news this week. For the last few months little spots have been forming all over my body. It looks like a rash, but isn't itchy. I've been to the doctor a few times. The first time they diagnosed me with chicken pox. Then it was an allergic reaction or bug bites. After doing all my own research I found out it is Petachiae. Petachiae is your veins leaking out under your skin. It can be caused by so many things, so I went to a doctor again last night to get a blood test to find out if it was something serious.

Basically he told me it is very likely I have an autoimmune disorder, which means that no matter how much effort I put into taking care of my body for the last year it has been fighting me. My body is killing my bad cells as well as all my good ones. This explains why I've been sick every month, and depressed for the last 9 months. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am a control freak, so the fact that I can't control how my body feels is really hard news to get. I have been the healthiest of my life in the last 2 years, pumping my body full of fruits and veggies, cutting back my alcohol consumption and going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. The fact that none of it mattered is really annoying.

But this isn't the point of this blog. The point of this post is that I fell in love today. I have been "feeling" a lot of songs recently, but today I fell in love with a brand new one. So I've had it on repeat for the last hour dancing around my house. The best part is I get to see this band live in about 7 weeks.

It's one of those so perfect songs, that I just can't stop.

Even if I was lonely, even if I was broke
Even if all the dogs in the pound let me know
Saying it’s never over, it never ends
Grab the guns and the ammo, let us descend
To the darkest of prisons, and break their defence
We will rattle the cages, rules will be bent
Oh, remind us our days are all numbered not spent
And peace it comes easy, like mist on a ridge

[Chorus]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out

All the worries folks tell us to break all of our ties
To our families and loved ones, we leave when we fly
To these cities we think we need in our lives
Oh you Manhattan jungle, you tangle our pride

[Chorus]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out

All the buildings, they lean and they smile down on us
And they shout from their roof tops, words we can't trust
Like you’re dead, you are tired
You’re ruined, you're dust
Oh you will amount to nothing, like tanks full of rust

But we scream back at them
From below on the street
All in unison we sing, at times, been redeemed
We are all of the beauty, that has not been seen
We are full of the color, that’s never been dreamed
Well, nothing we need ever dies, yeah
Nothing we need ever dies, yeah
Nothing we need ever dies

[Chorus x2]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out.

Fuck you autoimmune disease. I'm going to figure you out and crush you with happiness and life.

The Long and Winding Road...to Pai!

This day was hangover central. The only one of the trip, and it was bad for all of us. I think I was in a good state in comparison to some of the others.

The morning was rough, for a lot of reasons. But after the tedious task of packing and being out of our rooms by noon I managed to get a job offer and thought "hey, life ain't that bad." We had Italian for lunch, coffee, and rented a car to be on our way to Pai.

Some background information. 2 of the guys I was traveling with had previously biked all the way up and down Vietnam, so I figured this ride in a car would be relatively safe. It was, but it was also freaky! Mostly we giggled our ways there, trying not to freak out about the smell of burnt tires, and the passing on blind curves. 

We made it after about 3 hours and were so grateful to check into our epically nice hotel room. For dinner we just walked around the town and found a hippie like healthy food restaurant, as most of the restaurants on trip advisor were closed. I was quite grateful to have some vegetables in my life, and we sipped some mojitos as bit of a cure. The night market in Pai was bustling with people, one of which who happened to be "Pink Hair Dude" from our run in with the Thai Cops 3 nights prior and the Muay Thai night (1 night prior) but he deserves his own story.

Pai was a chill city, so the next day we drove to see the waterfall, which was a let down and full of trash, and the canyon, which was exquisite. Then we thought, "heck we are paying enough for our hotel room, lets just hang by the pool for a bit." So we did! I got tan and drank beers and giggled, and had deep talks. And then eventually we went into town for dinner and some drinks.

Mostly Pai was just a very easy going city. Plenty to do in terms of "furthering yourself" such as yoga classes, cooking classes, retreats, nearby hiking, ect. But mostly since it was the end of our journey we just used it to relax.

The ride home was maybe actually worse than the ride there. About and hour in Chris offered me a beer and that seemed to sooth my tummy a bit. So maybe that's the key to making the ride easy?

Here is a little taste of the ride home, which was about 10 times better than the ride there. 

Oh and we stopped to see this Geyser....

Ithaca

I remember falling in love with this poem and pasting it in my notebook Senior year of high school. I have no idea what I thought it meant then.

Tonight it randomly came into my mind as I saw a photo online of a poem copied on to a map. If ever I copy a poem on a map (likely, given my map obsession) this is the one I'd use.

Ithaca

When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.

Then pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many,
that you will enter ports seen for the first time
with such pleasure, with such joy!
Stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and corals, amber and ebony,
and pleasurable perfumes of all kinds,
buy as many pleasurable perfumes as you can;
visit hosts of Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from those who have knowledge.

Always keep Ithaca fixed in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for long years;
and even to anchor at the isle when you are old,
rich with all that you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have taken the road.
But she has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you.
With the great wisdom you have gained, with so much experience,
you must surely have understood by then what Ithacas mean.

-K. P. Kavafis (C. P. Cavafy), translation by Rae Dalven

The words resonate so much with me given the journey I'm on and where I'm at. I'm in that strange position where I'm finally starting to realize that I'm leaving. And finally, I want to soak it all up. I want to leave here without regrets. I think I did a damn good job, and as I come upon yet another night of sickness, I'm heading to bed at 8pm knowing that 2 months and 6 hours from now I will probably be landing home. Holy crap!

I have gained so much from living here for 2 years and from traveling around Asia, and I am so excited to continue my journey. To soak up new knowledge, meet new friendly faces, and devour delicious food in another country.

When I reach whatever it is I'm searching for, I intend to beat to the bone. But I also intend to have peed on the streets of every country I've been to. I intend to try thousands of new foods, participate in as many nights of dancing as possible, drink my way through new beers, wines, and local liquors. I intend to make as many friends as I can. I intend to learn some new hobbies, have interest in new musics. I intend to feel completely full. In fact, maybe I'm never meant to find my Ithaca, because searching is just the fun of life.

Orpheus

While I was in Thailand we spent some time chilling in Pai. On one particular day we just hung out by the pool and then sat outside our room, drinking beers, coffee, listening to music and smoking cigarettes, overlooking a gorgeous pond. At one point we put on some Andrew Bird and Patrick told me he was in love with one particular song because of the story it told. I was sure I had heard the story but asked him to tell it to me again.

Orpheus, the hero, was an amazing musician. And he married a beautiful girl, but in a tragic way she died on their wedding day. However the gods could not resist the beautiful music Orpheus played and so agreed to return his wife to the land of the living if he would promise them one thing. All he had to do was keep his eyes peeled forward and not look back at her beauty until they had both reached the land of the living. However, when Orpheus reached the end of the tunnel he could not contain his excitement and joy and glanced back and his beautiful bride. In an instant she was taken away from him for forever.

After Patrick told the story I couldn't help but feel something hit inside me, and so I got out my phone and made a note of the story to review later.

Earlier this week I was catching up on Mad Men and The Following and in one of the most recent episodes the story gets told. (I wish I could remember the exact point it had made, but cannot.) It hit me again, but I passed it off.

Now I sit here, on a Friday night reading a book I purchased for $5 in a used bookstore in Chiang Mai. The man in the story makes a reference to the story of Orpheus as he watches his Thai wife work at a bar selling herself to men. He says "I think if I can leave here tonight without looking at her I will be all right." But he cannot do it. He looks back. The next morning the 3 men who were flirting with his wife are in body bags. I put the book down, and know that I need to write.

The last few weeks have jetted past me. I have no idea where they have gone, and they have not gone at all as planned. I had prepared myself to feel anger, and sadness, and pain, and to eat to my hearts content and cry myself to sleep. But all I have felt is joy, freedom, and contentedness. My life is as it was meant to be. I feel anger only at the effort I put forth to achieve what could not work. What we knew wouldn't work. I am frustrated by our unwillingness to simply give up. But, it has made me a stronger person and taught me a lesson: Never ever sell yourself short. Do not compromise yourself and your dreams for anyone or anything.

And I think maybe Orpheus has a connection to my life. I can retrieve my happiness and my own dream. I must not regret what happened or attempt to analyze it. I must accept it for what it was and what it taught me and move forward with my head up, my heart strong, and my eyes forward to my future. And so I will.

Montenegro, I am coming for you in a few short months and together we are going to be the absolute happiest. My soul is overwhelmed.