The White Building

On my first night in Cambodia my friend Scott grabbed me some free reading materials to help me plan my trip. They included restaurant and hostel reviews as well as general information about the culture of Cambodia. While on my 8 hour bus to Siem Reap I took one out and grew fascinated, not by the delicious restaurants that awaited me, but by a simple building in the middle of the capital city. The small magazine revolved around the possible demolition of the building and what it would mean for residents, history, and general culture of the Khmer( Cambodian) people.

I was shocked at my general interest in the topic and quickly devoured the entirety of the magazine.

It made me sad to see that the government might be willing to tear down a building of historical significance, leaving thousands without homes, or with the potential of losing their nearby job. I visited later the week and marveled at the small community I had entered. I felt as though, even though it was poor, I wished I could belong to it. I wanted to be invited to join in a game with the kids or help the women do their dishes and cook.

A few days later, in the city of Kampot me and my friends took a motorbike ride in the mountains. The fresh air was incredible and as I cruised around stopped to admire the mountain views, I was quickly reminded of why I loved traveling and how important nature is. When we reached the top of the mountain, I was greeted with the biggest eye sore you could imagine. In front of me stood a modern looking casino resort, painted tan with bright golden pillars.

I'm of the understanding that society must advance. The population is increasing quickly, we have mouths to feed, and heads that need rest. But it would also appear to me that there are ways to do this that do not ruin culture or nature for future travelers.

For example: instead of making a modern, ultra classy casino and resort why not make a resort that blends in with the surrounding mountainside. Log cabins or small brown and green buildings would be much more appreciated than a gigantic, flat, fake- gold building.

And wouldn't it be better to renovate The White Building to be more safe for its residents and begin to offer more information for tourist about the interesting culture and history behind it?

Just a little thought as I leave this amazing country.

Building this life.

None of us are guaranteed happiness. We have to chase it. To search within the depths of our soul.

There in the doorway, stands me. Waiting patiently for her body to come back to her so I can go and live a real life again.

What makes a person happy? Money? Good Food? Feeling Confident? Being self-sufficient? Love? Family? Friends? Comfort? Exercise? Exploration? Following your dreams?....running away from fears? facing fears? 

Somehow, everyday people adapt to a life they haven't chosen. Perhaps a life that doesn't make them happy. And everyday people chose a life that doesn't make them happy. Why would they do it? 

The only logical reason I can think of is love. Millions of people choose to put their love for their family, their friends, and their significant others above the other areas of happiness. Is love a trap?

Love is not guaranteed. You can put all of you into loving someone and it can still fall apart. I have watched countless friends make life decisions based on love, and many of them have gotten the short end of the stick. 

I know what makes me happy, and I know what I want for my life. I know who I am and who I want to be.

I want to explore a new culture, and continue to build a new, different life everywhere I go. I want to live on pocket change, and find things that make all the shitty parts of living in the 3rd world worth it. I want to make friends with the locals. I want to see people for who they are. I want to be outside, far away from human life, so I can see the stars and hear my own heart beat. I want to travel deep within my heart and find out what makes it beat.

I have choices. I can be a selfish individual and have all these things that make me happy. I don't have to feel like I'm losing everything I love about living abroad and gaining all the things I hated about living in America. I can go wherever I want to go, and be whoever I want to be.

But it does not feel that way. I don't want any of those things if it means I can't have my love. And that right there is the scariest things I have ever tried to tell and convince myself of. So here I sit. Looking at jobs I may not want, apartments I cannot afford, and planning trips I do not want to take. Love is absolutely blinding, improbable, spectacular voyage. And I have never been so afraid to climb aboard.

Untitled Blog Post #7

8/7/14
Right now I'm sitting at an airport delayed and I just want to be going home. American home.

4/8/14

I'm home. I'm sitting in my bed blogging, which is exactly where I have wanted to be for the past few days, and suddenly I don't want to be here. I want to be anywhere but here. The last 4 weeks of my life were nothing. They were complete worthlessness. They were confusion. They were painfully honest. And they certainly have made me nervous. Time to dive into the fear and face up to who I am. What do I want?

22/8/14

As I end this rough transition back to real life I have adjusted, but I am missing home like crazy. I keep seeing pictures of people hiking, or at crazy good concerts, or sipping a beer. Maybe all this technology actually makes living abroad harder? I miss my best friend. 

5/9/14

Who am I to be sad looking back on happy memories that cause me to realize how unfulfilling my life here is. Those moments happened, and they were incredible. How great is that. My now is sucking a little, but that is part of life. I have tried my damn hardest to find fulfillment here, and it does not exist. I just gotta keep my head high and look forward to my bright future.

15/9/14

Life has been way more rough than I would like it to be. But if I put in a little bit of effort I can find positives. Like my crazy cute students, my supportive friends, and my vacation time. It is fast approaching and it has renewed a bit of my spirit. I was talking to my roommate tonight and she said she has never needed a vacation more than when working here. Cambodia and my boys are 4 weeks away!

I'm finding once again that music is making a huge difference in my life. I think with skipping gym time and doing insanity work outs at home I've been lacking time with my main lifeline (music.) The new Ryan Adams album is seriously helping to renew my spirits as well.

My fellow teacher have started searching for new jobs already. I'm starting to look really forward to starting the search for job next year, though I'm getting a bit frustrated with having to deal with the complications of building a life with another person in mind. It is a lot more difficult than just choosing somewhere with a decent paying job that you think you will enjoy. you have to find that, times double, plus a place with culture you can both handle and will enjoy. But no pain no gain, and I'm happy that somewhere in our minds Matt and I are convinced we can make a home somewhere together. I'm feeling both excited and nervous for the challenges that lie ahead, but one step at a time is where it is at right now.

25/9/14

Looking for jobs has officially started. I'm in the process of working with two recruitments companies, and will continue to search on my own. After a few rough weeks of feeling like I have had nothing to do I have that feeling of being overwhelmed once again, with finishing off the term reports, compiling student work for portfolios, and planning a trip. This always happens. I get back from vacation exhausted and struggle to get back into my routine for a few weeks. Then I spend a few weeks being completely bored and sad, and then suddenly it is time to be busy again. I wish I could find a way to knock out those 2 sad weeks in the middle of the happy and fulfilled feeling.

Matt and I took a weekend getaway trip to an island just 30 minutes off the coast of Jakarta last weekend. I think it is very important for me to realize that I CAN in fact leave this city for a weekend if necessary.

Additionally I think the thought of planning life with someone was making me freak out about it, and feel very insecure about my relationship. Haven't felt that way since....well....a really bad point in my life, so it scared me more than I'd like to admit. Eventually I thought about how kick ass I am, and got over myself. And, of course I think my boyfriend noticed, and started putting in some serious effort to make me feel better.

Yesterday night I also realized how crazy it is that I haven't been home in over a year. Why do I do it? 9 months to go! 

At a complete loss for words

The last 2 weeks have been awful. I can't seem to find any words to describe how or why I feel this way. At least no words that anyone can understand. I have lost myself, and everything I loved about her. My passion has gone away. I need to get outside, I need to roll around on grass and escape the sound of traffic. I need to see some live music, and I need a good beer. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks and feel exhausted all the time. My head pounds, my stomach gurgles with discomfort, and I feel as though I am on a never ending tilt-a-whirl. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, come home and lay in bed unable to complete my work tasks. I have lost it, and in some way have given up hope of ever being happy in Jakarta. It is not a pretty sight. My boyfriend has had to deal with more mental breakdowns in the last week than in the whole 9 months of our relationship.

This song randomly popped into my head as I was waiting in the elevator on the way home. I remember listening to it on repeat before I first left America. When I told my friend it was exactly how I felt at the time she responded "Really?!?" Little did I know how much life I had there.

Now I feel every single word of it to my core.

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

Take me away in a little toy train
to the heart of my brain, just take me away
where the loving ain't hard and the living is easy
There's love in my heart, just take me away

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

There's no changing the wind
There's no changing the weather
There's no telling when it all began
or if the end will be any better

I'm falling for you babe
You know that I'm falling for you babe
You know that I love you I need you
I'm falling for you babe, you know that I'm calling
for you babe I'm falling I'm calling

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

I look to the sky, I cant help but cry
I wonder why I look to the sky
The weight of the world, puts tears in my eyes
holding me down I can't help but cry

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

Life is tough. It has been awful. But the good thing is that the one part of me I have left is my need to do. Do exercise, do exploring, do writing, do reading, do cooking, do baking. And now, hopefully, if I ever hear back, volunteering. I have to get off this ass of mine, realize that life isn't that bad, and that I can handle the next 10 months just as easily at the first 13.

Sulawesi part 3 of 3: Northern Sulawesi

I waited to long to write about this, so I'll be brief.

Northern Sulawesi was our favorite part, possibly because our guide was awesome, but also because it was a nice balance of culture, hiking, and relaxing, as opposed to a crazy amount of culture, followed by way too much hiking, ect.

Our guide/driver was waiting for us when we arrived and drove us the 9 hours to Gorontalo, a city nestled near 3 volcanos. The drive was long, however he offered us many options of stopping and was very intent on getting us some fruit when we informed him we loved pisang susu. We stopped by the sea for a lunch of fish and rice, which I was absolutely sick of, but it still tasted pretty delicious at this point since we hadn't had a real meal in about 24 hours.

We arrived at our hotel, which was the most beautiful we had stayed in. I wanted to spend my time just sitting and reading because there were beautiful plants all around and you could look out over the volcanos in the distance. The restaurant wasn't half bad either and they had more choices than just fish and rice. We settled in for a good night of sleep post overnight ferry.

The following morning we woke up for our tour around Gorontalo. We started the morning with a short hike to and around a semi active volcano, Mahawu. Then Stefaan (our guide) took us to the local market to show us different Indonesian items for sale, including cooked cat, dogs, rats, and bats. The dogs were simply too much for me to handle. After purchasing some pineapple, we went to the nearby lake and ate fresh fish for lunch, as well as savoring some new juices (for my parents.) They loved the soursap  juice, but weren't quite as sure about the jackfruit.

After this we were taken to the "hill of peace." It was created after the turmoil in Central Sulawesi subsided to say that now Sulawesi was accepting of all religions. There are 6 different places of worship represented, and there is also a hot springs coming out from underneath.

After this it began to rain, so we were escorted home for dinner and some relaxation. The following morning we headed to Manado and then took a short boat ride to Bunaken Island.

The Island was nice, but once again left me wondering how people can spend more than a day or two on a beach. Apparently there was excellent snorkeling and diving, but they took us to the best snorkeling spot and I didn't think it was that interesting. At least not as excellent as Flores. We searched far and wide for chocolate, but could find none. My mother did managed to find several sarongs to purchase and we got to have some excellent pork while we were there. We also founda  starfish family.

After one day we left on a boat, took a car to the airport, and we shortly home after our 3 hour flight and 3 hour cab ride.

Merry-Go-Round Broke Down

The last 6 weeks of my life have been tough. And I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I have not been myself recently. I seem to have reverted back to 20 year old, unconfident, moody version of myself. I don't want her back. I vanished her to my past when I started my life over in Albania, and I'm at the point where I will go to any means to keep her there.

After hating traveling this summer, merry-go-round broke down. Like I said, I started hating my life and myself. If you care to believe it I even told Matt I might go permanently back to America next year. Becky tried to convince me to do so, saying I could just move my ass in with her and her parents in Milwaukee until I got back on my feet. I'm seriously giggling at this thought now, though for a short moment I stopped to consider it.

In Albania, I would get back from vacation and be extremely homesick for about a week. I just wanted the comfort of my bed, and western food. Then I'd get back into my normal routine. I'd start planning my next awesome adventure, I'd blog, and I'd throw myself into some life advancing goal. My homesickness made me a better person.

Here I get back from a shitty vacation where I hated more than I enjoyed and I try to get it up for the next vacation, but I just can't swing the homesickness. I cry way too much, I eat like shit, I watch tv every night, I don't sleep, and I have nightmares about never feeling like I belong anywhere again.

I've been reading old blog posts to attempt to convince myself that this is normal, and that I've gotten through it before, but this just makes me miss "home" more. I re-read my blog post about the things that scared me the most going into this life experience, and I realize that they are all fears about leaving. I had no idea that returning could be the scarier end of the bargain.

I imagine myself sometime in the distant future living a permanent life, with permanent friends, and a permanent home and that seems just as freaky as starting a new life every year. So I write, and I cry, and I drink a whiskey, because though it isn't comforting, it is all I know how to do.

I go back and back. I can find happiness here....somehow.

“Faith is the ability to find beauty in all circumstance. Will is the ability to follow faith where it leads each individual and make something out of the randomness.” -Daryn Christenson

Malaysia

So instead of writing a post that explains that crap that was this trip, i.e. ear infections while diving, sitting around bored out of my mind, food poisoning, UTI, hangovers, feeling like crap about myself, and stupid ferry rules, I decided to try and be positive. So here are my top ten favorite moments of Malaysia. 

10. Monkey Bay, which had no monkeys, but some nice rocks. 

9. Completing the first part of my dive course. I have now been checked off on about half of the tasks. I can breath underwater! I can recover my regulator! I can buddy breathe! I was so angry about getting an ear infection, but I cannot wait to find a time and place to complete my course.

8. Sink Laundry. So I have heard horror stories of people getting laundry done in random places, so I opt to do my own laundry in the sick. I did a small batch and hung it out to dry. The next day we were at the dive center (on a whole different part of the island) when a huge wind storm came in. I got back to notice that our underwear and socks were all over the garden below our bungalow. I picked it up and folded all of Matts stuff. His reaction was completely adorable.

7. Drinking a bottle of wine on the hostel rooftop terrace. Matt had food poisoning, it was our last night in Malaysia and we had bought a $7 bottle of wine to split. Matt couldn't drink any of it, so i headed up to the roof and hung out with two guys from Canada. It was nice to look out over the city. Though i probably should have considered the fact that i was already 5 pints and a mojito in when I started. I did in fact hurl in the planetarium bathroom the next morning. I forgot how strong wine was. The good news is that now I'm turned off by the thought of good beer or delicious wine.

6. My kick ass injury. So in order to eat anything other than processed beef burgers and chicken burgers we had to walk to a different village of the island. To get there involved a 15 minutes jungle hike. To get back to our hotel involved a 15 minute jungle walk in the dark. On the last night Matt had forgotten his torch so we were sharing mine and I didn't see a root, tripped over it and got a nice scrape on my knee. It'll turn into an awesome scar I'm sure.

5. The random reminders of home. Skittles! Twix! Vanilla coke! Real Burgers! It's all these little things that you find randomly, that make for small victories

4. Taps. I got good beer peeps!!!

3. Chilling with drinks and getting completely nostalgic because of the music. It is amazing how music can transport you to anywhere inside of your brain. 

2. Realizing that I completely suck at traveling, don't want to do it anymore, and want to go home. So the day Matt finished his dive course, I sat bored out of my mind and started thinking about how awful the last month of my life had been. That night I had a complete mental breakdown, told Matt that maybe I needed to go home permanently sooner rather than later. He said if that was what I needed then I should do it. It was one of those moments where someone tells you that you should do what you want to do and then you realize that it is not at all what you want to do. 

1. Exploring Kuala Lumpur solo. I had the morning to myself and asked for direction to the bird park. The lady at the hostel desk said it was very far to walk, but google maps said it was only 30 minutes. I realized I wouldn't have time to explore the bird park, but I just decided to walk that way anyway. I found some cool buildings and cool artwork and came across a museum and a butterfly park along the way. It was a good reminder that when flying solo I can become the independent woman I need to be. It also confirmed what I had previous realized in number 2. I don't want to go back to America I just need a city to explore. Let me rephrase. I need a city that is interesting enough to explore via footpaths, and where you can find interesting things. It made me excited that I only have a year left on this contract and then I can go somewhere new. Preferably somewhere with sidewalks and public transport. 

So the point of this blog post is that it was an interesting trip, and that I'm feeling very defeated as far as traveling and living abroad right now. But a few weeks of some routine and I think I'll be back to a more confident me.