Untitled Blog Post #7

8/7/14
Right now I'm sitting at an airport delayed and I just want to be going home. American home.

4/8/14

I'm home. I'm sitting in my bed blogging, which is exactly where I have wanted to be for the past few days, and suddenly I don't want to be here. I want to be anywhere but here. The last 4 weeks of my life were nothing. They were complete worthlessness. They were confusion. They were painfully honest. And they certainly have made me nervous. Time to dive into the fear and face up to who I am. What do I want?

22/8/14

As I end this rough transition back to real life I have adjusted, but I am missing home like crazy. I keep seeing pictures of people hiking, or at crazy good concerts, or sipping a beer. Maybe all this technology actually makes living abroad harder? I miss my best friend. 

5/9/14

Who am I to be sad looking back on happy memories that cause me to realize how unfulfilling my life here is. Those moments happened, and they were incredible. How great is that. My now is sucking a little, but that is part of life. I have tried my damn hardest to find fulfillment here, and it does not exist. I just gotta keep my head high and look forward to my bright future.

15/9/14

Life has been way more rough than I would like it to be. But if I put in a little bit of effort I can find positives. Like my crazy cute students, my supportive friends, and my vacation time. It is fast approaching and it has renewed a bit of my spirit. I was talking to my roommate tonight and she said she has never needed a vacation more than when working here. Cambodia and my boys are 4 weeks away!

I'm finding once again that music is making a huge difference in my life. I think with skipping gym time and doing insanity work outs at home I've been lacking time with my main lifeline (music.) The new Ryan Adams album is seriously helping to renew my spirits as well.

My fellow teacher have started searching for new jobs already. I'm starting to look really forward to starting the search for job next year, though I'm getting a bit frustrated with having to deal with the complications of building a life with another person in mind. It is a lot more difficult than just choosing somewhere with a decent paying job that you think you will enjoy. you have to find that, times double, plus a place with culture you can both handle and will enjoy. But no pain no gain, and I'm happy that somewhere in our minds Matt and I are convinced we can make a home somewhere together. I'm feeling both excited and nervous for the challenges that lie ahead, but one step at a time is where it is at right now.

25/9/14

Looking for jobs has officially started. I'm in the process of working with two recruitments companies, and will continue to search on my own. After a few rough weeks of feeling like I have had nothing to do I have that feeling of being overwhelmed once again, with finishing off the term reports, compiling student work for portfolios, and planning a trip. This always happens. I get back from vacation exhausted and struggle to get back into my routine for a few weeks. Then I spend a few weeks being completely bored and sad, and then suddenly it is time to be busy again. I wish I could find a way to knock out those 2 sad weeks in the middle of the happy and fulfilled feeling.

Matt and I took a weekend getaway trip to an island just 30 minutes off the coast of Jakarta last weekend. I think it is very important for me to realize that I CAN in fact leave this city for a weekend if necessary.

Additionally I think the thought of planning life with someone was making me freak out about it, and feel very insecure about my relationship. Haven't felt that way since....well....a really bad point in my life, so it scared me more than I'd like to admit. Eventually I thought about how kick ass I am, and got over myself. And, of course I think my boyfriend noticed, and started putting in some serious effort to make me feel better.

Yesterday night I also realized how crazy it is that I haven't been home in over a year. Why do I do it? 9 months to go! 

At a complete loss for words

The last 2 weeks have been awful. I can't seem to find any words to describe how or why I feel this way. At least no words that anyone can understand. I have lost myself, and everything I loved about her. My passion has gone away. I need to get outside, I need to roll around on grass and escape the sound of traffic. I need to see some live music, and I need a good beer. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks and feel exhausted all the time. My head pounds, my stomach gurgles with discomfort, and I feel as though I am on a never ending tilt-a-whirl. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, come home and lay in bed unable to complete my work tasks. I have lost it, and in some way have given up hope of ever being happy in Jakarta. It is not a pretty sight. My boyfriend has had to deal with more mental breakdowns in the last week than in the whole 9 months of our relationship.

This song randomly popped into my head as I was waiting in the elevator on the way home. I remember listening to it on repeat before I first left America. When I told my friend it was exactly how I felt at the time she responded "Really?!?" Little did I know how much life I had there.

Now I feel every single word of it to my core.

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

Take me away in a little toy train
to the heart of my brain, just take me away
where the loving ain't hard and the living is easy
There's love in my heart, just take me away

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

There's no changing the wind
There's no changing the weather
There's no telling when it all began
or if the end will be any better

I'm falling for you babe
You know that I'm falling for you babe
You know that I love you I need you
I'm falling for you babe, you know that I'm calling
for you babe I'm falling I'm calling

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

I look to the sky, I cant help but cry
I wonder why I look to the sky
The weight of the world, puts tears in my eyes
holding me down I can't help but cry

Lay me down, Lay me down
In a field of nothing, with no one around
I've had enough of everyone in this town
I've had enough, Just lay me down.

Life is tough. It has been awful. But the good thing is that the one part of me I have left is my need to do. Do exercise, do exploring, do writing, do reading, do cooking, do baking. And now, hopefully, if I ever hear back, volunteering. I have to get off this ass of mine, realize that life isn't that bad, and that I can handle the next 10 months just as easily at the first 13.

Sulawesi part 3 of 3: Northern Sulawesi

I waited to long to write about this, so I'll be brief.

Northern Sulawesi was our favorite part, possibly because our guide was awesome, but also because it was a nice balance of culture, hiking, and relaxing, as opposed to a crazy amount of culture, followed by way too much hiking, ect.

Our guide/driver was waiting for us when we arrived and drove us the 9 hours to Gorontalo, a city nestled near 3 volcanos. The drive was long, however he offered us many options of stopping and was very intent on getting us some fruit when we informed him we loved pisang susu. We stopped by the sea for a lunch of fish and rice, which I was absolutely sick of, but it still tasted pretty delicious at this point since we hadn't had a real meal in about 24 hours.

We arrived at our hotel, which was the most beautiful we had stayed in. I wanted to spend my time just sitting and reading because there were beautiful plants all around and you could look out over the volcanos in the distance. The restaurant wasn't half bad either and they had more choices than just fish and rice. We settled in for a good night of sleep post overnight ferry.

The following morning we woke up for our tour around Gorontalo. We started the morning with a short hike to and around a semi active volcano, Mahawu. Then Stefaan (our guide) took us to the local market to show us different Indonesian items for sale, including cooked cat, dogs, rats, and bats. The dogs were simply too much for me to handle. After purchasing some pineapple, we went to the nearby lake and ate fresh fish for lunch, as well as savoring some new juices (for my parents.) They loved the soursap  juice, but weren't quite as sure about the jackfruit.

After this we were taken to the "hill of peace." It was created after the turmoil in Central Sulawesi subsided to say that now Sulawesi was accepting of all religions. There are 6 different places of worship represented, and there is also a hot springs coming out from underneath.

After this it began to rain, so we were escorted home for dinner and some relaxation. The following morning we headed to Manado and then took a short boat ride to Bunaken Island.

The Island was nice, but once again left me wondering how people can spend more than a day or two on a beach. Apparently there was excellent snorkeling and diving, but they took us to the best snorkeling spot and I didn't think it was that interesting. At least not as excellent as Flores. We searched far and wide for chocolate, but could find none. My mother did managed to find several sarongs to purchase and we got to have some excellent pork while we were there. We also founda  starfish family.

After one day we left on a boat, took a car to the airport, and we shortly home after our 3 hour flight and 3 hour cab ride.

Merry-Go-Round Broke Down

The last 6 weeks of my life have been tough. And I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I have not been myself recently. I seem to have reverted back to 20 year old, unconfident, moody version of myself. I don't want her back. I vanished her to my past when I started my life over in Albania, and I'm at the point where I will go to any means to keep her there.

After hating traveling this summer, merry-go-round broke down. Like I said, I started hating my life and myself. If you care to believe it I even told Matt I might go permanently back to America next year. Becky tried to convince me to do so, saying I could just move my ass in with her and her parents in Milwaukee until I got back on my feet. I'm seriously giggling at this thought now, though for a short moment I stopped to consider it.

In Albania, I would get back from vacation and be extremely homesick for about a week. I just wanted the comfort of my bed, and western food. Then I'd get back into my normal routine. I'd start planning my next awesome adventure, I'd blog, and I'd throw myself into some life advancing goal. My homesickness made me a better person.

Here I get back from a shitty vacation where I hated more than I enjoyed and I try to get it up for the next vacation, but I just can't swing the homesickness. I cry way too much, I eat like shit, I watch tv every night, I don't sleep, and I have nightmares about never feeling like I belong anywhere again.

I've been reading old blog posts to attempt to convince myself that this is normal, and that I've gotten through it before, but this just makes me miss "home" more. I re-read my blog post about the things that scared me the most going into this life experience, and I realize that they are all fears about leaving. I had no idea that returning could be the scarier end of the bargain.

I imagine myself sometime in the distant future living a permanent life, with permanent friends, and a permanent home and that seems just as freaky as starting a new life every year. So I write, and I cry, and I drink a whiskey, because though it isn't comforting, it is all I know how to do.

I go back and back. I can find happiness here....somehow.

“Faith is the ability to find beauty in all circumstance. Will is the ability to follow faith where it leads each individual and make something out of the randomness.” -Daryn Christenson

Malaysia

So instead of writing a post that explains that crap that was this trip, i.e. ear infections while diving, sitting around bored out of my mind, food poisoning, UTI, hangovers, feeling like crap about myself, and stupid ferry rules, I decided to try and be positive. So here are my top ten favorite moments of Malaysia. 

10. Monkey Bay, which had no monkeys, but some nice rocks. 

9. Completing the first part of my dive course. I have now been checked off on about half of the tasks. I can breath underwater! I can recover my regulator! I can buddy breathe! I was so angry about getting an ear infection, but I cannot wait to find a time and place to complete my course.

8. Sink Laundry. So I have heard horror stories of people getting laundry done in random places, so I opt to do my own laundry in the sick. I did a small batch and hung it out to dry. The next day we were at the dive center (on a whole different part of the island) when a huge wind storm came in. I got back to notice that our underwear and socks were all over the garden below our bungalow. I picked it up and folded all of Matts stuff. His reaction was completely adorable.

7. Drinking a bottle of wine on the hostel rooftop terrace. Matt had food poisoning, it was our last night in Malaysia and we had bought a $7 bottle of wine to split. Matt couldn't drink any of it, so i headed up to the roof and hung out with two guys from Canada. It was nice to look out over the city. Though i probably should have considered the fact that i was already 5 pints and a mojito in when I started. I did in fact hurl in the planetarium bathroom the next morning. I forgot how strong wine was. The good news is that now I'm turned off by the thought of good beer or delicious wine.

6. My kick ass injury. So in order to eat anything other than processed beef burgers and chicken burgers we had to walk to a different village of the island. To get there involved a 15 minutes jungle hike. To get back to our hotel involved a 15 minute jungle walk in the dark. On the last night Matt had forgotten his torch so we were sharing mine and I didn't see a root, tripped over it and got a nice scrape on my knee. It'll turn into an awesome scar I'm sure.

5. The random reminders of home. Skittles! Twix! Vanilla coke! Real Burgers! It's all these little things that you find randomly, that make for small victories

4. Taps. I got good beer peeps!!!

3. Chilling with drinks and getting completely nostalgic because of the music. It is amazing how music can transport you to anywhere inside of your brain. 

2. Realizing that I completely suck at traveling, don't want to do it anymore, and want to go home. So the day Matt finished his dive course, I sat bored out of my mind and started thinking about how awful the last month of my life had been. That night I had a complete mental breakdown, told Matt that maybe I needed to go home permanently sooner rather than later. He said if that was what I needed then I should do it. It was one of those moments where someone tells you that you should do what you want to do and then you realize that it is not at all what you want to do. 

1. Exploring Kuala Lumpur solo. I had the morning to myself and asked for direction to the bird park. The lady at the hostel desk said it was very far to walk, but google maps said it was only 30 minutes. I realized I wouldn't have time to explore the bird park, but I just decided to walk that way anyway. I found some cool buildings and cool artwork and came across a museum and a butterfly park along the way. It was a good reminder that when flying solo I can become the independent woman I need to be. It also confirmed what I had previous realized in number 2. I don't want to go back to America I just need a city to explore. Let me rephrase. I need a city that is interesting enough to explore via footpaths, and where you can find interesting things. It made me excited that I only have a year left on this contract and then I can go somewhere new. Preferably somewhere with sidewalks and public transport. 

So the point of this blog post is that it was an interesting trip, and that I'm feeling very defeated as far as traveling and living abroad right now. But a few weeks of some routine and I think I'll be back to a more confident me. 

Sulawesi part 2 of 3: Central Sulawesi

We only spent a few very short days in Central Sulawesi, and the majority of them involved driving. We left from Rantepao and were told we had a 9 hour journey ahead, however it turned out to be around 11 hours in the car.

Near Lake Poso we stopped and took a short walk to see the Orchids, however we were informed that they were not blooming. I was quite dissapointed since the following day our itinerary said we were going on a 2 hour hike to look at orchid. Why would someone put this in the itinerary if they knew it wasn't orchid season. A bit mistake on the tour companies part. We did get to see some pineapples growing in the wild though.

Once we reached the lake and checked in, we ordered dinner. I was literally nauseous at the thought of eating rice, so I opted to just eat some veggies and drink water. We passed the evening wading in the water, and then settled down on my parents porch to watch the sun set. I turned on the light so we could read, and big mistake, soon enough the room was full of bugs. There was a black cloud on the floor and laying on the bed. My mom thought at first it was because she opened the window to let in some air, but my room had them too. We informed the owner and he said we shouldn't have turned on the lights and that they would move us to a different room. After dinner, we went to our new rooms and literally went straight to bed, afraid even to open our bags or use the bathroom for fear that we would attract the bugs. I woke up early the next morning, still doused in bug spray and showered and packed and set out on our next joyous long car ride.

 We were told the drive would be 5 hours, but it was closer to 7. We stopped after about 30 minutes to take a quick walk to a waterfall, which actually ended up being one the highlights of the trip. The roads were mountainous, curvy, and we followed a very slow police bus and were unable to pass for an hour or two. We stopped for lunch along the coastal road and all they had was fish, rice, and fried noodles. Knowing that we were heading to an island the following day I opted for the noodles which were delicious and filling. Once again my parents marveled at the price of lunch. A whopping 13 dollars for 2 fried noodles, a fish, soup, rice, plate of veggies, and 3 cokes.

We made it to Ampana around 3 in the afternoon. After settling the plans for our ferry in the morning we headed to local market, crowded with people buying food in preparation for breakfasting later in the day. We shopped around a little, but I felt incredible overwhelmed watching out for both myself and my parents, constantly turning around to make sure they were still with me, and not being harassed. My mom did mentioned she was groped several times by one man. At this point I was so sick of Indonesian food I was hoping to god to find some western restaurant, but after an hour of walking there was none. We ended up grabbing some ice cream, which we immediately began to savor. After about 2 bites a man pulled up on a motorbike to remind us not to eat in the streets. Frustrated we hid behind a banner and shoved our ice cream in our mouths, which then instantly made me and my father have upset tummies. We watched the sun set awhile near the dock and then headed back to our hotels for another dinner of chicken and rice. I attempted to skype with Matt, but the internet kept coming in and out and I grew quickly frustrated.

Ampana Sunset

We woke up and were driven to the ferry. I quickly ran and bought some rambutan to add to our snacks. We were told it would be a 5 hour ferry ride and I figured there would be at least hard seats for us to sit on, if not air con. All of the ferries I have ridden for more than 2 hours have these amenities. But we were on the floor. For a glorious 3.5 hours, 2 hours of unloading and another 1.5 hours. I was so glad we had snacks and that there was a mattress being taken to one of the other islands. We arrived at The Togian Islands and were taken by another small boat to our hotel on a private island. We put on our suits, went swimming and were then served a delicious meal of....you guessed it! Fish and Rice. I'm not going to lie the fish was some of the better I've had in Indonesia, but no fish will ever compare to the fish from the Mediterranean. After dealing with a few issues of scheduling our trip (frustrating!) we watched the stars come out, and the moon rise before heading to bed.

 The next morning was spent enjoying the beach, and lounging in our hammocks reading before heading out at 1 to catch our overnight ferry to North Sulawesi.

On this ferry we were in the Captains quarters, which was such a luxury. At first my parents weren't so sure, until I took them down to show them them the other class areas, which consisted of mats on a floor, or rustic chairs, in smoking air conditioned and non air conditioned areas. Then they felt like a king and queen.

captains quarters

On the deck we were able to watch the sun set and see the stars while I drank a Bintang. I was able to find the southern cross and chat at my parents about how the stars are different in the south than in the north. The milky way was semi visible. We opted for early bed and were in for a rough night. The ferry was not the smoothest and we were woken several times for call to prayers, and at 4:30 to be welcomed to North Sulawesi by our new guide Stefaan, who we loved.

Hello Northern Sulawesi!

Sulawesi Part 1 of 3: Toroja in the South

This trip was different than any trip I have been on before. Mostly because I had to look out for two other individuals. They did surprisingly well considering the vacation I chose for them. I like challenging myself and the people around me. :)

We arrived at the airport at about 5 am only to find out our flight had been changed to 11. They said they had emailed me (typical Indonesia...) but had not. We passed the time looking in the entire 6 shops, and eating/drinking various goodies. The plane finally left and I was exhausted from only getting 4 hours of sleep so I took a little snooze. Once we arrived and met our guide I was super relieved. Everything from here on out was out of my control. We cruised over the mountains, and mom and dad kept getting freaked at the crazy driving and the drop off edges without railings. I was taken back to our coastal road cruises in Albania, where I would get extremely motion sick. The guide (Jonathan) and I discussed Ramadan with them a bit, trying to explain the customs. When we finally arrived at dinner we were all over hungry and exhausted from our journey. My tummy had been having issues the last week and it was absolutely acting up. Basically I passed out upon arriving, woke up to use the toilet once and sleep clear through to my alarm. I tried not to let the boring and pointless first day get me down, since technically they had intended for us to arrive in the area 5 hours earlier than planned.

I got dressed and ready and then it started to pour. Breakfast consisted of rice and by this point I was sick of eating rice and bread because it had been all I could keep down for the previous 5 days due to my stomach. I ate a little and we headed out on our longboat with ponchos in the pouring rain. I could hardly see anything squinting in the rain, but halfway in the rain gave out and stopped. The sun began to come up over the lake to show the beauty and life on the lake. Beautiful lily like purple plants sprouted to the top and birds swooshed across the sky. 

We got to stand on one of the floating houses, and were surprised to find out that they have to move the houses based on the season. After the boat ride was done we went to see some silk weaving and realized that the silk wasn't very soft, which I found strange.

Our journey continued into the mountains and after a few hours we stopped for lunch overlooking the mountain called Guning Nona. There is a legend behind this mountain about a brother and sister who wanted to marry. However the spirit of the earth told them they could not and formed a river through the mountain. Apparently one side of it is shaped like a penis and the other like a vagina. I chose to ignore this legend and enjoy the beauty instead. The mountain fresh air and views made me feel like I was back in Albania once again. We purchased a few spices and souvenirs and were on our way for more switchbacks and screams of terror. We arrived at our hotel in Rantepao around 4 and had time for a swim, a brief walk, and dinner at the hotel, which had some delicious asparagus and squash soup. I was exhausted and slept straight through the night for about 9 hours. 

Guning Nona

The following morning we awoke for and emotional day of visiting Torojan houses and grave sites. Torojan people have very different beliefs about death. Mainly they believe that a person is not dead, they are simply sick. Therefore, they keep the body of the dead in their houses for a few months to a few years until they know their soul has gone on to the puja(paradise) and they are able to save up enough money to sacrifice water buffalo and pigs in their honour. If they do not sacrifice enough according to their caste, their sons and daughters will not be able to have a good marriage or run for office if they choose.

Tongkanan (traditional Torojan House)

We attended a sacrificing ceremony where 2 water buffalo were cut open and bled to death. We were required to buy a carton of cigarettes for the family as a presents. Others in the community may offer the same or a pig if they are of a higher caste. The pigs are carried in on bamboo, kicking and screaming the whole way. Those who bring the presents walk in a ceremony according to their house number. We saw other tourist walking in the processional and were frightened that we might have to do so. Our guide informed us that last week there was a ceremony where 20 water buffalo were sacrificed. It smelled awful, and sounded awful, so we asked to leave early because we were feeling a bit ill.

Knife out, ready to kill....

We visited several villages to see the family graves, including one that contained a baby grave. Babies are buried in the tree so that their spirit may grow along side it. 

Baby Grave

The best part was when at one village we were greeted by little children who all ran around our feet and held our hands down to the grave site. Once there, they played around and goofed like it was their playground in the caves. We gave them all high fives and paid 70 cents for a bag of candy for them to share.

After this we returned to the hotel, just before the rain. The following morning we visited the buffalo market, which smelled similar to homeland Wisconsin and we walked through the smaller market where they sell household items, clothing and food.We stopped to look at some stone statues, all symbols for people who were dead, though differing from gravestones because the people were not buried in the ground. Eventually we landed at a home stay up in the mountains overlooking beautiful rice fields. We ate lunch and our guide took us downhill to walk around them. These were some seriously beautiful views for a simple 2 hour journey. We had a delicious dinner of satay and then headed to bed in our Tongkanan (Traditional torojan house), consisting of 3 mattresses on the floor and 3 extremely hard pillows. I had to wake up once in the night to pee which was a task, because you had to climb down the stairs and walk to the bathrooms in dim lighting. Halfway through the night some Indonesian men came in the room next to ours and were speaking quite loudly on a speaker phone. I found it hard to sleep because I kept trying to translate.

We woke up in time for the sunrise and began our day long hike into the villages after breakfast. 

Good Morning!

This was not an enjoyable experience. Not sure if it would have been more interesting with a different guide, or if we had gone a different way, but we saw nothing of interest. It was mostly just more rice fields, which we had to cross over and my dad got bit by poisonous ants and fell. We stopped at a village closer than expected because it was going to rain. After we showered (buckets over our head) and waited about 2 hours past hunger we were served delicious chicken cooked with banana stem in bamboo cookware. And of course rice. My parents cramped onto the twin mattress and I slept on and off on a brand new mat on the floor, purchased from a traveling salesman earlier that day. I was freezing for most of the night, a feeling I had forgot about.

We awoke to a breakfast of leftovers and began our short 2 hour journey to the village we were picked up in. Once dripped at the hotel we booked massages. It was clear we deserved some pampering post journey. We had several issues finding lunch as it was Sunday and ended up eating double ice cream and snacks, while enjoying drinks by the pool, to suffice until our early dinner.

Well deserved. 

We left after breakfast the next morning, for central Sulawesi.

I have to say South Sulawesi was a cultural experience, but one we just could not seem to see eye to eye with. The people live their whole lives to make sure their parents have a nice funeral, and this is what their work and lifestyle was based off of. We accepted the experience and looked forward to the journey ahead.