Me, Myself, and I

I swore I would keep this blog post private, but I prefer to just be open with the few who care enough to read this. Plus I like looking back on my emotions from the last 2 years of blogging, and I’m sure 25 year old Tiara will want to remember how 23 year old Tiara felt at this point in her life. So, here goes. I’ve been single for almost 2 years now. In those 2 years I’ve been lonely a few times, and sometimes sad, but I’ve never WANTED a relationship. I’ve always been fine with being single.

Yes!

To be honest I don’t want a “boyfriend.” I came to Indonesia thinking I’d remain single for awhile. I know eventually I need to get back out there, but I'm finally happy being single, so I want to embrace it for as long as I can.

But then, things happened, and things continue to happen now. Things that make being single more complicated. I don’t want to complicate my life, I’ve only been here 3 months. I have things to explore, places to go, work to do, things to learn about myself.

I know writing has always helped me figure confusing life stuff out in the past, so here is a list of reasons why I’m scared to start a romantic relationship of any sort:

1. I’m not ME here. I mean I am me here, but the majority of who I was in Minnesota is gone. If I do meet someone here, how will they ever get to know the real me? I can’t be super brainsy about IPA’s here, and I certainly have become a lightweight now that I’ve cut back on my drinking. No guy here is ever going to understand my obsession with bluegrass. He won’t be able to see me dance my ass off at a hoedown, or watch me freak out when TBT plays my favorite song. No guy here is ever going to watch my reactions as I watch a packer game. He won't get to see me grab my iPod to go out for a short run and return an hour later because "the good songs just kept coming." He won’t get to see crazy nature-loving Tiara. To know me you need to go hiking with me, camping with me, sit around a fire and cook with me. Great now I've managed to make myself miss home. 

   

   Superbowl Champs!

   

   Flannel, no make up, tent nearby, life is good. 

   

   breaking it down at the Pert Near concert. By "breaking it down" I mean looking like a complete fool with my awesome brother. Typical. 

2. I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want for my future. 5 years ago I knew I wanted to get married, have kids, be a stay at home mom living in the suburbs. I don’t want that. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m starting to get there. I’ve figured out some of it, but I still don’t know when I want it, or how to get it. I spent the last 2 years single and searching, and they have been the best 2 years of my life. I don’t want to give it up.
3. How the hell does one make a relationship work? I don’t remember what it is like to be a girlfriend. And I don’t think I want to be the same kind of girlfriend I was in all the previous relationships. Moreover, I can’t be the same girlfriend because I’m not the same person. I wonder what kind of girlfriend I would be?
4. Cultural differences. I’m living in a foreign country. I’ve met one man from American man since I’ve been here, but he was 40 something and had a wife and 3 kids at home. He was awesome. Taught me a lot about relationships actually. Convinced me that I want to do some things in the future. I digress...the thing about dating people from other countries is that you have these barriers that you have to overcome. Sometimes you don’t even know they exist, until they do. I’ve read about it, I’ve watched it. Freaky.
5. Someone is bound to get hurt right? I hurt the last guy I dated. And the one before that crushed me. And the one before that I damaged as well. I know everybody hurts sometimes, and all that jazz, but if I can just avoid it all, then why not?

So most of these things wouldn’t matter for just a fun non-serious relationship, but is there a point to a relationship if there is no future for it? I remember my mom asking me this same question when I was 19 and in an “open relationship.” I told her yes. Without a doubt yes there was a point. Because relationships teach you things and change you, irregardless of the seriousness, right?

My mind keeps floating back, confused about this connection. I’m sitting on a porch overlooking the ocean with my roommate discussing what I should do. She responds with: The only way to go over one man is to get under another. Oh silly Angie. How does one go about meeting someone in a foreign country? How does someone go about meeting someone that they actually like, someone who meets their requirements? What the hell are my requirements? All I really want to do is keep Tiara happy, and keep her figuring out her life. I’m lost. Go for it? Continue to fight every instinct? Either way there are risks and complications.

I have nothing to offer anyone. No one has anything to offer me.

Oh life, why must you be so intensely puzzling?