How am I filling these voids? By trying to throw myself into
further diversions. I’m trying to find good live music. For god sake, I may be
joining a band, with the zero musical talent I have to offer! I’ve joined an online group to find
some volunteer opportunities, though none have surfaced yet. I’m reading about Buddhism, and trying to really
immerse myself in it. Do I have time for any of this? Nope. Not this term, but
I need something more. I feel empty and unfulfilled now that I traveled and
realized where I am living.
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| The fact that this picture has orange fallen leaves is a mockery. |
So tonight after eating half a pack of Oreos to fill me up,
I went to the gym. This helped immensely! Among the elliptical, tread mills,
and free weights in the dark deserted gym I sang my songs. If a single person would
have walked in, they either would have presumed I was the most crazy person in
the world, or that they gym was haunted by a ghost.
Firstly I blasted out some great Bob Dylan. I sang the line “Get
your mind off winter time, you ain’t going nowhere” with so much passion, trying
to pull myself back to where I am. Summer, heat, humidity. "We'll climb that hill no matter how steep, when we get up to it."
Then I got to some of the new music my brother sent to me.
I have been listening to this non-stop since he gave it to
me. One of the songs is clearly about a girl wanting to remain single. For me?
They lyrics were all about me not being able to be in a relationship with
Minneapolis. It’s sad. I know. I have this bizarre need to make every song
pertain to what I’m going through. In this case, Minneapolis is the boy, and I am the girl who needs to be by herself to find herself.
It begins to thunder, and lightning illuminates the darkness
of the gym. Another song plays. I’m not sure what “message” is in it, but it is
something.
I sing out what I am feeling. I let the emotions take over
my legs, and beat them on the treadmill to the pace. I feel slightly better.
I come home and finish the pack of Oreos. I feel full. We
will ignore the fact that Wikipedia says that compulsive eating and weight gain
tends to accompany this phase of culture shock. I look at tickets home, just to
see. 2 grand? Nah. I think I’ll do Sulawesi with my Canadian boys, and take my
first solo trip. I have to remind myself why I love this. I need to feel full
like I did a month ago.
I will get back on the "happy" and "fulfilled" bandwagon soon. I promise.
I had this realization last night. I finally just grabbed Laos by the scruff, and really, truly, finally decided that I was going to have to just work within the situation I find myself- the good and the bad. I am in the same boat in that I need more time for my own endeavors, but I don't have much, at all, this semester. Between moving here/setting up/Bobby leaving/being a month behind on grad school/teaching full time, the only thing I do for self-care is make my bed every morning, clean my house once a week, and read books. I don't work out, I eat like shit, I (here goes a big confession) shower like every other day, and I always feel behind.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to remember that we make this so much harder on ourselves because we move to a new country and start a new job at the same time; a job which, inherently, is at its most difficult in the first few months. It's a huge triple whammy of difficulty. I think that next year will be infinitely easier than Albania or this first year for you because you will be settled. You'll have a place, friends, you know your school, you have the culture of the school down, you know how they want you to teach, you'll know your way around the city- it will all get so much easier.
Even if you don't have time for all your personal endeavors right now, I think trying to fit in some, and making a list of what you *want* to be doing will be motivating. Then, when things open up, you know exactly what to put in that space.
Also, thanks for writing a blog post so I could take a break from grad school and read it :) xo
glad to provide to your procrastination. Next year will be easier. I keep my spirits up by re-reading post from Albania and noticing that I eventually got through this period. And focusing on the fact that it will probably be easier this time around.
ReplyDeleteNow you have me freaking out about two years. But I know you will make it. Look forward to familiar( notice this word contains a base word like family) faces over the holidays even though they won't be from home. You will have a blast and we will be there in 7 short months hugging you until you are sick of it. I know it will be easier the second time around. The last 4 months have flown by. And remember that when you look back on life from home a few Christmases from now you will be missing this part of life and the memories you have made. Focus on the good in life not what you can't have but what you can. That is why I don't diet. When I deprive myself of something it just makes me want it more. Write write write it clears your head and helps you express the frustrations you are having. Know that the distance between us doesn't change the feelings we have for you because parental feelings are always greater than a child can imagine. Your in my thoughts constantly and I know you know what those thoughts are toward you are. So let yourself embrace them. And continue to keep in touch. Love you! Mommy
ReplyDeleteMama don't worry about me. I'm already doing much better. Though daily migraines have entered my life this week. This phase will pass more quickly than it did in Albania, so I'm sure in 2 months I'll be back to loving life. It is important to remember that we must going through the hard times to realize how amazing those great times are. If everything was always great then it was all seem boring and we wouldn't be learning. The truth behind this all is that these hard times are when I'm learning the most about myself and when I become more than I was before. Talk to you so very soon! And don't worry I fully plan on writing more. I love it!
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