Bleeding Out

So I found out some pretty scary news this week. For the last few months little spots have been forming all over my body. It looks like a rash, but isn't itchy. I've been to the doctor a few times. The first time they diagnosed me with chicken pox. Then it was an allergic reaction or bug bites. After doing all my own research I found out it is Petachiae. Petachiae is your veins leaking out under your skin. It can be caused by so many things, so I went to a doctor again last night to get a blood test to find out if it was something serious.

Basically he told me it is very likely I have an autoimmune disorder, which means that no matter how much effort I put into taking care of my body for the last year it has been fighting me. My body is killing my bad cells as well as all my good ones. This explains why I've been sick every month, and depressed for the last 9 months. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am a control freak, so the fact that I can't control how my body feels is really hard news to get. I have been the healthiest of my life in the last 2 years, pumping my body full of fruits and veggies, cutting back my alcohol consumption and going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week. The fact that none of it mattered is really annoying.

But this isn't the point of this blog. The point of this post is that I fell in love today. I have been "feeling" a lot of songs recently, but today I fell in love with a brand new one. So I've had it on repeat for the last hour dancing around my house. The best part is I get to see this band live in about 7 weeks.

It's one of those so perfect songs, that I just can't stop.

Even if I was lonely, even if I was broke
Even if all the dogs in the pound let me know
Saying it’s never over, it never ends
Grab the guns and the ammo, let us descend
To the darkest of prisons, and break their defence
We will rattle the cages, rules will be bent
Oh, remind us our days are all numbered not spent
And peace it comes easy, like mist on a ridge

[Chorus]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out

All the worries folks tell us to break all of our ties
To our families and loved ones, we leave when we fly
To these cities we think we need in our lives
Oh you Manhattan jungle, you tangle our pride

[Chorus]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out

All the buildings, they lean and they smile down on us
And they shout from their roof tops, words we can't trust
Like you’re dead, you are tired
You’re ruined, you're dust
Oh you will amount to nothing, like tanks full of rust

But we scream back at them
From below on the street
All in unison we sing, at times, been redeemed
We are all of the beauty, that has not been seen
We are full of the color, that’s never been dreamed
Well, nothing we need ever dies, yeah
Nothing we need ever dies, yeah
Nothing we need ever dies

[Chorus x2]
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out
Breathing in, breathing out, it’s all in my mouth
Gives me hope that I’ll be, something worth bleeding out.

Fuck you autoimmune disease. I'm going to figure you out and crush you with happiness and life.

The Long and Winding Road...to Pai!

This day was hangover central. The only one of the trip, and it was bad for all of us. I think I was in a good state in comparison to some of the others.

The morning was rough, for a lot of reasons. But after the tedious task of packing and being out of our rooms by noon I managed to get a job offer and thought "hey, life ain't that bad." We had Italian for lunch, coffee, and rented a car to be on our way to Pai.

Some background information. 2 of the guys I was traveling with had previously biked all the way up and down Vietnam, so I figured this ride in a car would be relatively safe. It was, but it was also freaky! Mostly we giggled our ways there, trying not to freak out about the smell of burnt tires, and the passing on blind curves. 

We made it after about 3 hours and were so grateful to check into our epically nice hotel room. For dinner we just walked around the town and found a hippie like healthy food restaurant, as most of the restaurants on trip advisor were closed. I was quite grateful to have some vegetables in my life, and we sipped some mojitos as bit of a cure. The night market in Pai was bustling with people, one of which who happened to be "Pink Hair Dude" from our run in with the Thai Cops 3 nights prior and the Muay Thai night (1 night prior) but he deserves his own story.

Pai was a chill city, so the next day we drove to see the waterfall, which was a let down and full of trash, and the canyon, which was exquisite. Then we thought, "heck we are paying enough for our hotel room, lets just hang by the pool for a bit." So we did! I got tan and drank beers and giggled, and had deep talks. And then eventually we went into town for dinner and some drinks.

Mostly Pai was just a very easy going city. Plenty to do in terms of "furthering yourself" such as yoga classes, cooking classes, retreats, nearby hiking, ect. But mostly since it was the end of our journey we just used it to relax.

The ride home was maybe actually worse than the ride there. About and hour in Chris offered me a beer and that seemed to sooth my tummy a bit. So maybe that's the key to making the ride easy?

Here is a little taste of the ride home, which was about 10 times better than the ride there. 

Oh and we stopped to see this Geyser....

Ithaca

I remember falling in love with this poem and pasting it in my notebook Senior year of high school. I have no idea what I thought it meant then.

Tonight it randomly came into my mind as I saw a photo online of a poem copied on to a map. If ever I copy a poem on a map (likely, given my map obsession) this is the one I'd use.

Ithaca

When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.

Then pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many,
that you will enter ports seen for the first time
with such pleasure, with such joy!
Stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and corals, amber and ebony,
and pleasurable perfumes of all kinds,
buy as many pleasurable perfumes as you can;
visit hosts of Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from those who have knowledge.

Always keep Ithaca fixed in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for long years;
and even to anchor at the isle when you are old,
rich with all that you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have taken the road.
But she has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you.
With the great wisdom you have gained, with so much experience,
you must surely have understood by then what Ithacas mean.

-K. P. Kavafis (C. P. Cavafy), translation by Rae Dalven

The words resonate so much with me given the journey I'm on and where I'm at. I'm in that strange position where I'm finally starting to realize that I'm leaving. And finally, I want to soak it all up. I want to leave here without regrets. I think I did a damn good job, and as I come upon yet another night of sickness, I'm heading to bed at 8pm knowing that 2 months and 6 hours from now I will probably be landing home. Holy crap!

I have gained so much from living here for 2 years and from traveling around Asia, and I am so excited to continue my journey. To soak up new knowledge, meet new friendly faces, and devour delicious food in another country.

When I reach whatever it is I'm searching for, I intend to beat to the bone. But I also intend to have peed on the streets of every country I've been to. I intend to try thousands of new foods, participate in as many nights of dancing as possible, drink my way through new beers, wines, and local liquors. I intend to make as many friends as I can. I intend to learn some new hobbies, have interest in new musics. I intend to feel completely full. In fact, maybe I'm never meant to find my Ithaca, because searching is just the fun of life.

Orpheus

While I was in Thailand we spent some time chilling in Pai. On one particular day we just hung out by the pool and then sat outside our room, drinking beers, coffee, listening to music and smoking cigarettes, overlooking a gorgeous pond. At one point we put on some Andrew Bird and Patrick told me he was in love with one particular song because of the story it told. I was sure I had heard the story but asked him to tell it to me again.

Orpheus, the hero, was an amazing musician. And he married a beautiful girl, but in a tragic way she died on their wedding day. However the gods could not resist the beautiful music Orpheus played and so agreed to return his wife to the land of the living if he would promise them one thing. All he had to do was keep his eyes peeled forward and not look back at her beauty until they had both reached the land of the living. However, when Orpheus reached the end of the tunnel he could not contain his excitement and joy and glanced back and his beautiful bride. In an instant she was taken away from him for forever.

After Patrick told the story I couldn't help but feel something hit inside me, and so I got out my phone and made a note of the story to review later.

Earlier this week I was catching up on Mad Men and The Following and in one of the most recent episodes the story gets told. (I wish I could remember the exact point it had made, but cannot.) It hit me again, but I passed it off.

Now I sit here, on a Friday night reading a book I purchased for $5 in a used bookstore in Chiang Mai. The man in the story makes a reference to the story of Orpheus as he watches his Thai wife work at a bar selling herself to men. He says "I think if I can leave here tonight without looking at her I will be all right." But he cannot do it. He looks back. The next morning the 3 men who were flirting with his wife are in body bags. I put the book down, and know that I need to write.

The last few weeks have jetted past me. I have no idea where they have gone, and they have not gone at all as planned. I had prepared myself to feel anger, and sadness, and pain, and to eat to my hearts content and cry myself to sleep. But all I have felt is joy, freedom, and contentedness. My life is as it was meant to be. I feel anger only at the effort I put forth to achieve what could not work. What we knew wouldn't work. I am frustrated by our unwillingness to simply give up. But, it has made me a stronger person and taught me a lesson: Never ever sell yourself short. Do not compromise yourself and your dreams for anyone or anything.

And I think maybe Orpheus has a connection to my life. I can retrieve my happiness and my own dream. I must not regret what happened or attempt to analyze it. I must accept it for what it was and what it taught me and move forward with my head up, my heart strong, and my eyes forward to my future. And so I will.

Montenegro, I am coming for you in a few short months and together we are going to be the absolute happiest. My soul is overwhelmed.

Thai Police and "Pink Hair Dude"

So my first night in Chiang Mai I went to a night market, got drunk off of 3 beers (I hadn't eaten in a long time) got a 3 dollar foot massage and went to the airport to pick up the rest of my friends clothes that she had left in Phuket.

The second night there we went to another night market, which happened to be on the street of our hotel. It was nice to just walk around and look at things, until I started to feel quite ill. My friends decided to buy some super nice carved soaps for their moms and grandmas. It seemed to be taking quite awhile and I figured the likely issue with my stomach was probably too many afternoon beers and not nearly enough water, so while they worked on purchases I went into the 7eleven to grab a bottle of water. I came out and they seemed to be arguing with the couple selling the soaps, and I thought to myself "Seriously guys, you don't need to barter down too much....lets get a move on."

After walking down to the end of the street and back they were still their arguing, so we figured we'd see what was up. Turns out there had been a miscommunication about the amount of money that was given and the change that was received which means my friend has lost out on about 30-35 dollars. Somehow the police had been called over and were apparently going to check the 7eleven CTV tapes. This didn't happen, but the lady selling the soaps kindly asked the police to take my friends to the police station, to which my friends replied "for what purpose?" At one point a British guy, wearing a shirt with ducks on it and pants with orange slices came over in all his red hair glory to inform the cops that the value of money lost was equivalent to 20 quid. Then persisted to ask the cops if he could drink beer at the market, even though there were signs all over saying it was prohibited. If that wasn't enough he asked the cops if he could try on their hat, to which he took whatever response as a yes and threw it on his head.

Eventually the decision was reached to split the difference of the "mistake" and move on. After looking for a spot to have a bite to eat, I was really not feeling well and ended up heading back to the hotel, to take some ginger, drink water, and lay down. When my friend came back they offered me all sorts of medication and brought me back some water. The poor guy I was sharing a room with had to listen to me throw up like an hour later.

After a little while in bed I could swear I heard someone knocking on the door so I got up but no one was there. Then as I lay in bed I thought I heard "JUSTIN!!!" being screamed. (Justin was the guy I was sharing a room with.) It sounded like it was coming from the street, so he got up and went to the balcony. Turns out our clever neighbors had locked themselves out on their balcony.
He was kind enough to let them back in.

I slept restlessly that night and the next day we went to see the elephants, we met DJ Jack Sparrow and I thought I might die. But more on that experience later....

Cooking and Muay Thai!

Let me start by saying that this story is about my Thai family. And by "Thai family" I of course mean the crazy group of Americans I happened upon throughout my journey. Some of us had previous connections, but I knew none of these people 10 days prior to these events. 

Let me also tell you that gone are the days of me rattling through all the boring things I did in each part of my trip. BORING! Sure its nice for my terrible memory to be able to remember, but I'm gonna stick to the pretty legit stuff from now on. By that I mean the best and worst memories of the trip. The vivid stuff that I probably will never forget anyway. 

Though it clearly led to the most painful of all mornings in Thailand, I'd say there are some good stories behind this day/night in Chiang Mai. Let me start by pointing out I was quite sick the day before our cooking class, so I was relieved when I woke up starving and ready to eat. 

We began the day at the market, where our instructor taught us so many things about the native fruits, veg, and spices of Thialand. Then we started the cooking and eating, and the being WAY overfull. At some point in the day it was mentioned that it seemed impossible to be hungover in Thailand...foreshadowing!

I want in my tummy now!

After being so stuffed, no one would be surprised to find out that we were pretty worthless that afternoon. Meaning that the girls got massages, and the men went drinking.....to meet other girls. 

So we met at the bar we had previously ate at the night before, and from the likes of it the guys were going for it. I turned the corner and spotted 3 new girls and screamed in my most sarcastic voice "Are you cheating on us?!?!" and then sat down and ordered a large beer to catch up. Some of us (ahem Justin, Patrick, and Halima) found it necessary to eat again, but Chris and I knew we had some leftover curry back at the hostel from the cooking class. So after polishing off my large beer, plus another, and a few sips of someone who couldn't finish, we stopped at the 7eleven to get bowls and spoons, and went back to the hostel. After climbing the three flights of stairs, I grabbed the community microwave and carried it into mine and Justin's room and grabbed my curry. It was, by far, the second best curry I had ever had. The best being the same curry from the morning when it was fresh. At this point it was mentioned there was thai rum, and someone got some cokes. After we finished that bottle it was mentioned there was vodka and Justin offered a sip of his red bull which I took to mean "make everyone vodka red-bulls!" 

I want to eat curry for forever.

Eventually we had to leave to meet the sluts (just joking) from England. So, being the classy people we are, the girls put on dresses and mascara (gasp! I wore make-up on this trip) and the guys tried their best to look semi-decent. 

All ready! 

We made it to the Muay Thai fights and had some delicious beers. Eventually things went sour as we kept rooting for the wrong team, Halima bet shots on it, and one of us may have purchased a pack of cigarettes (no confessions.) The best part of the match was, by far, when they put 6 blindfolded men into the ring and them just have at each other. Oh, and of course when they played Phil Collins. 

The fights lasted much shorter than we expected or we just drank the time away. Either way, when we finished we were not ready for bed. So we wandered to "Zoe in Yellow" for some dancing, and once we were drenched in sweat after like 3 songs we sat down and smoked. 

After this we headed back to the hostel, not really sure of what to do, but Patrick brought up some disgusting Chang beer which we all sipped slowly over the next 2-3 hours of talking about life. I can tell you that no one remembers a word that was said, but I DO know we listened to Bob Dylan, and it was so satisfying that I felt the need to say things I probably shouldn't have said, via text. Things that my phone would repay me for in the morning, even more so that the repayment from the thai rum. Eventually we passed out. At about 7:30 Justin and I went to go get breakfast and met Chris who had to go to immigration and was still a little full of thai rum and beer the same way we were. I dealt with some "complications of life" if you will, including a mental breakdown in the bathroom, and the worst ever experience packing as we all had to manage putting our lives in small backpacks with dizzy heads. While waiting I got an email from a school offering me a job and I thought, life sometimes has the best timing. I stuffed my face with italian food and once we rented a car, I had to say goodbye to my travel buddy from the last 9 days and deal with 3 boys by myself. 

We put up a good fight

Untitled Blog Post #9

22/1/15
Amazing things are happening in my life right now.

For example the fact that I'm feeling very happy and grateful for everything I have. The fact that I'm starting to get less nervous about the decisions I made for next year, even though I still haven't found a job, and I had an excellent day of teaching. I have been having a lot of those recently. Today one of my students passed a level 4 reading test. Now this is still a low level for first grade (most of my students are at level 9 or 10) but he started out not understanding how to point to the words. Not only was I crazy proud of him, but all the other kids were cheering for him and smiling. These are kids who usually say, "You are only at level 3?!?!" with a confused face. We have taught them kindness, and understanding that each student works at his or her own pace and an accomplishment is and accomplishment no matter how small. Loving my students right now!

22/2/15
I have no idea what the end of this week looks like. I could have a job in Singapore and be planning a move with the man I love. Or.....I could be offered a job somewhere else and accept it. I'm just not sure anymore what I want or what will make me happy.

13/3/15
I am walking down a traffic filled Jakarta street and I'm happy for no reason other than the fact that I get to eat pizza tonight. And spend the next 20 hours with my man. I follow that up with a quick trip to Romania to visit and interview at an amazing school. And then I get to come back to my wonderful partner teacher and beautiful students. And to top it all off I get a 2 week long paid vacation to a destination of my choice. Which is yet to be decided. Sure my life can be crazy, chaotic, and physically, mentally and emotionally draining. But it is amazing!!!!

15/3/15
And when the sun rises back home I cannot help but feel that I am meant to be waking up in your arms.

16/3/15
I feel like I am cheating. For everything I love about this place I want to punch myself for cheating on one dream with another. I cannot be here when I am dying to be there.

23/3/15
I know where I belong and I know who I belong with. And I am so angry at the world for putting the person I belong with so far away from the place I belong. My mom's constant quotation that "no news means good news," is starting to drive me nuts as I think about how so many times I believed it and now I don't. I want news.

28/3/15
I have never felt so much anger at one time, and the only way of letting it out seems to be my tears. No job yet. I feel as though I hate every aspect of my life, and the only good part of it just left, possibly forever. I got out of the house for a bit, but the second I walked back through that door, the simple smell of bacon reminded me of how amazing we are, and anger and jealousy, and thoughts of unfairness envelop me and I break down again. I am exactly where I was 3 years ago. Heartbroken, lost, and completely unsure or who I am, what I want, or where I'm going. None of this is okay anymore. The only comfort I have is knowing that somewhere along the way I found myself, and I learned. Change is coming soon. If I could just know how and where, life would be on the upswing.