Another Year of Being Thankful: New Tradition

The last two years, for Thanksgiving, I've made a list of the top 10 things I was thankful for. The lists were drastically different and similar. But really I much prefer to be thankful all the time. And so, I'm going to deviate from this tradition this year and make a list of the top ten moments when I stood back in awe of my life, and was truly thankful for who I was. I was going to do the top ten moments of my life ever, but lets be realistic that was just too hard, so I give you the top ten moments since Thanksgiving 2012:

10. The moment Trampled by Turtles played my song- I had been screaming for it. It was my 3rd time seeing them and hoping for my song. I NEEDED to hear it, and they played it. Feeling music through every inch of your body: this is incredible. Plus I did it with an IPA in my hand!

9. Rocking out to music while slipping through the Balkan Alps- Random new friends, beauty all around me, screaming pop songs at the top of my lungs while almost sliding of the side of a mountain.

yep this is real. We ate lunch here. with this view.photo compliment of Katie Parrott, random new friend who I will probably never see again. Life is crazy.

8. Watching my awesome friends bowling 6 weeks into my time in Indonesia- it is incredible how 6 weeks can change you, and how you can build something from nothing. Several times I have had this apprehension that I came to a new country with nothing, and made a whole life out of myself and a suitcase. That is astonishing.

7. Hops and Barley conversation with Daryn- We talked about our future and our hopes and dreams. We discussed who we are and nearly broke down in the middle of the bar, ultimately opting to hold all our emotions in for our goodbye 4 days later. Talking with my best friend the way that we had before I left gave me some sort of contentment.

 

Love it! Miss it....

6. Jumping into the freezing cold ocean water under the moonlight, stark naked in Montenegro- The stars, that cold water, and my soul mate with me. Some moments in life are unforgettable. And to think this was just the first night of a fantastic 10 day long trip.

We may have had some drinks....

5. Listening to the call to prayer at the Environmental Film Festival-This was one of these moments: “Holy shit! I’m here. In Albania. Sitting outside, watching a film on a large screen. I have a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, and both cost me $3. How the fuck did I get here?”

4. Sobbing my eyes out in the basement of my home after saying goodbye to Daryn- Realizing that all of the emotions I had gone through in the last year were going to happen all over again, fear enveloped every part of me. This brought me to the point of understanding that I have become a stronger, more capable person. Once again realizing the beauty of unconditional love that reaches no limits, and the blessings I have been given in the form of family. This cry session was, of course, followed up by a hug from my mother. So many times in Albania I had needed that hug, and it was so nice to get it in a moment of complete brokenness and fear.

3. Looking at the stars on Belitung Island- Grateful for my love of nature, and the opportunities I've been given. Dumbfounded at how unimportant I am in this world, like the tiny grains of sand in my hand. Marveling at how far I’ve managed to come, and knowing that I must endure many more waves before reaching the shore of my dreams.

2. On the train ride from Switzerland to Milan- I said goodbye to my brother for possibly a very long time, but there was something marvelous about the goodbye. Florim( Daryn’s friend who we stayed with) said something that will forever change the way I feel about goodbyes: He told me that goodbye are a completely genuine snapshot of what you really feel about someone. They are beautiful because you have to show your truest form of emotion and can’t hold anything back. After I got on my train, there was a beautiful sunset over the Alps, and it was a reminder of the loveliness of relationships and the magnificence of the earth, and the splendor of changing time. Though I knew in that moment the relationship I shared with Daryn would never be the same, but I knew it would always be there. The juxtaposition of change and permanence all in one was overwhelming.

love you forever!

1. Drinking Gin and Tonics on top of a random deserted roof-
Somehow after a night at Public House, Robert and I ended up wandering the streets alone looking for a drink at 3am. After getting turned down, because everything was closing, we were only able to get drinks to-go and managed to find a deserted building with a rocky set of stairs to enjoy our gin and tonics. We climbed the stairs and sat down to talk out some serious shit. As soul mates, we did this several times in Albania, but this is the only time I can recall sobbing while doing so. We both placed all of our insecurities on the table for each other to see. It had been a seriously long time since I had been that trustworthy with anyone about who I was and what I was feeling. I think this is when I really started to let go of my past and be content and confident with myself. 

Really, it is all just zeros and ones.

Untitled Blog Post #3

25/10/13

Every once in awhile I get blown away with this feeling that I am home. I think strange thoughts, about things I’m not capable of doing. Today I just wanted to pick up the phone to call my best friend, and for a moment I almost actually reached for the phone. But it’s 4:30am back home and everyone is fast asleep. On Sunday I almost got up to grab my iPod and got for a walk outside because I was sick of watching TV. Some nights I still think about grabbing a jacket to go over my dress when it cools off in the evening.

28/10/13

Sometimes I look at people’s engagement pictures, wedding pictures, or family pictures and wonder if that is what I should be doing with my life. I want some fragment of it, but it’s not quite clear yet how that picture and my picture will be twisted together. Both are dreams, and both have broken me open. Only one has become something more. Only one has healed me after a fracture. Am I ready to unfasten myself again? Am I ready to be cracked again? Am I whole enough to do so? The fact that I’m even asking screams the obvious answer. It advises me to focus on my secondary dream, the one that has got me somewhere.

5/11/13

I’m in that point here where I keep thinking that when I’m done with my contract I will just go home. I’m frustrated with the fact that I’m losing part of who I am. But, am I really? Or am I gaining a new part of myself. Am I changing for the better or for the worse?

6/11/13

I’m doing great and fine until I see someone has “checked-in” at a great brewery in the cities, or until I seeing a picture that contains transforming fall colors, or worse yet, until I watch a movie enveloped in the classic American holiday storyline of family being frayed, and broken but brought back together just in time for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then all I really want to do is fly home to my roots and take part in some typical traditions that now mock me, and my prior displeasure with them.   Someone take media away from me.

9/11/13

When I look at pictures of our past I can now smile and acknowledge that though we are not meant to be together now or forever, we were meant to be together then. You had a extensive influence on my life, and I’m thankful for the lessons I learned a long the way.

14/11/13

I spent a good 30 minutes looking at flights home. I told myself if the prices got under $1500 I’d buy a ticket. I found one for $1700. Let’s be realistic. Even if I found a ticket for less than $1000 I wouldn’t actually buy it. I’m just in a mood. Christmas sounds great. I never felt this way until I moved away from home and the traditions. Now all I want is home and the traditions.

15/11/13

Mental breakdown? Check. I don’t know what it is about this week. I’m sitting in my bed, drinking Bintang, re-reading blog post from Albania and realizing how absolutely insane my life is. For real am I depressed? My life is incredible in every single way possible! Get out of this funk Tiara.  I’m out doing this thing called life, and I mean really doing it. And that is more than the majority of the rest of the world can say, so I’m gonna keep doing it!

22/11/13

Among finally figuring out travel plans for Christmas, and being able to go away for the weekend (even though it isn’t anywhere new) something has clicked inside of me. 3 weeks until I’m on vacation, 3 weeks and 4 days until I leave for my adventure and I cannot wait to see old friends in new places.

24/11/13

This weekend I was able to get out of Jakarta to an island. I spent my weekend lounging around reading in hammocks on beaches and drinking beer while watching stars with a new friend. On the way home I was laying down on the back of a crappy slow moving boat, with my iPod turned all the way up and the wind blowing over, and cooling off my body. Meanwhile I was watching Angie sit on the back of the boat talking animatedly to our new friend and Herning next to me discussing relationships with another new friend. It is just incredible that I didn’t know these people 2 days ago and we are already making plans to hang out with them again. “Like a Rolling Stone” came on and I just couldn’t help but think about the fact that I have no idea what is going to happen in my life, let alone 1 year, let alone 1 month. You meet people, and they open your mind in new ways. You go places and your life is changed. It is completely unpredictable and amazing. Anything is possible!

Oh, the places you'll go!

So I've had some serious debating today about whether to go home for Christmas or stay here. Basically my original Christmas plans fell through, and I was confused about what to do with myself for 5 whole weeks. Everyone kept saying I should just go home, since I have been so homesick and unhappy lately.

While laying awake in bed last night trying my best to fall asleep at a decent hour for once, I had this realization that everyone assumes my unhappiness and homesickness are the same thing. Let's get one thing straight people. They are not the same thing. 

My homesickness comes in random waves. I crave things. Or I think to myself how nice it would be to do something. Sometimes my homesickness last 30 seconds, if it gets really bad it can last a whole day. I miss home, but this is not my reason for being unhappy with my life here at the moment.

My unhappiness is due to my lack of fulfillment. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to gym, work, and go to bed. Every weekend I sit and watch TV and maybe go out to one of 4 bars. This is not the life I want. I was okay with it when I first got here because I was meeting people, learning my way around, picking up little tid-bits of information.

The unhappiness comes in waves as well. I'll get stuck in my rut. Then I'll get out and explore, or I'll write, or I'll read. I force myself to walk and get a coffee, or message a friend to meet for a beer. Sometimes I just need one really good day of teaching, or one really good meal/drink/coffee out with friends. Something that isn't routine/related to my apartment. Then the unhappiness subsides for a few days.

The only real problem I have is when the unhappiness comes at the same time as the homesickness. So I'm working on ways to feel full. And I know that the homesickness will never really go completely away, and I'm okay with that. It will get better. I will miss things less, and I will be okay (just as I have been) with living without, though, I could go for some red vines about now. Pineapple will have to to.

So for Christmas? My parents offered to pay for half my plane ticket home. I spent all day considering this possibility, amazed at the fact that I could be home 4 weeks from now. Or.....well let's just say my selfish bone won out once again. I want to go home for a weekend, but I'm not prepared for 3 whole weeks again. It's too soon.

Jakarta-->Surabaya--> Mount Bromo-->Bali-->Lombok-->Gili Islands-->Surabaya-->Jakarta.

Plans made, nothing booked. See y'all on the flip side 'Merica (aka summer 2015.)

Also this book must be a biography about my life:

Things I am taking for granted

About 2 months into my time here I began to really miss things from Albania. Now that I'm getting annoyed and maybe bored with my life here it is time to realize that Indonesia has some pretty awesome benefits. I don't want to make the same mistake twice, so I making this list as a reminder of the great things I need to be gracious for.

Tropical Fruits- OH MY GOD! Every time I cut up a pineapple I say "This is the best pineapple I have ever had!" I think I eat half of one everyday. Salak right off of the tree was incredible. Jackfruit is good, fresh and cooked. Many I haven't even learned the name of yet. There is something similar to a passion fruit, only more citrusy. I love putting this is yogurt. The mangos and papaya. All items I did not get often in America, and could not find in Albania. Avocados were hard to come by at a decent price in Albania, and when I returned to America I made so many batches of guacamole. Lucky for me I am managing to find them at a decent price here. Most restaurants also have Avocado juice available, which I find insanely spectacular! I might be taking full advantage of this one, but it will be top on the list of things I miss when I leave.

My students- Though work can be utterly daunting some mornings (and evenings,) I love all of my students to death. From the smarty pants, to the misbehaver, to the one has made minimal gains. I'm proud of how they are growing and learning and can't wait to stick around and see how they are when they finish grade 2.

Inexpensive self-care- by this I mean things like manis and pedis, hair cuts, and most importantly massages. I need to do these things more often, at least if I find them relaxing.

The extensive restaurants and food culture- When I first got here I was in a health nut craze, and now I'm in a "comforts from home" phase where I eat processed and greasy crap all the time. This city is booming with restaurants, and exploding with food from around the world. I need to get out of my funk of eating at the same places, drinking starbucks coffee, and pumping my body full of the same food everyday. I'm empty, and part of that has to do with my ridiculously boring routine.

My Indonesian friends- These people are so kind, and reliable. My partner teacher often puts in more than double the work I do, and supports me around every tough situation. I would be so lost without her. The Tots crew always plans things for us, including a whole week-long holiday. They call and translate when we need help, show us the best restaurants and places to go, and give us advice about dealing with our rough patches and where to find the things we need to survive. You guys are seriously fantastic! (Ex-pat friends, you rock too) :)

My Salary- I live a life of luxury here. I eat out at nice restaurants. I buy nice quality groceries and fresh foods. I've bought almost a completely new wardrobe. I've done some awesome traveling. And still, I have managed to save almost as much as I did a whole year in Albania. If I can start putting a little more aside I can cut a serious wedge into my student loans, and still continue to be awesome of course. 5 years from now I could be debt free and saving. Life is good.

The Places I Can Travel- There is a lot of opportunity here. I think I just need a good vacation to remind me of that. 4 weeks from now I'll be prepping for a big trip!

P1 Romances

It has been said that the students in my classroom have more relationship problems than I do. Some days I take this as a blessing and other days I hide my head in shame at my inability to push myself into the challenge of building a romance. My friends back home are constantly messaging me asking me for advice after dates with various male specimen they find at bars, coffee shops, the gym, or online. If only it was this simple for me. I swear they have done more dating in the last month than I have in my entire life. Seriously ya'll! I have no experience!

I found this interesting article about expat dating in Indonesia and found myself able to relate to the majority of it.
http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2011/04/28/loveless-across-borders.html

One boy in our classroom asked if I was married and when I responded with no he said," It's alright Miss, you can choose a man tomorrow." As if it is as simple as choosing what to wear for the day or what to have for breakfast.

This has nothing to do with this post or my life. I guess that I feel like if I were to fall in love right now I'd definitely feel like I had done something terrible. I mostly just thought this was beautiful writing.

To get back to the point, there are some very intriguing blossoming romances in P1. The other day one of our students wrote I love Tammy, (using pseudonyms here) and my partner teacher pulled him aside to ask him about it. He told her that he had loved Tammy since K1 (2 years ago) and that once he had told her that she had beautiful eyes, but that Tammy had simply replied with "What are you talking about?" Ria (my partner) then went on to say I need to find a man who compliments me on my eyes. Now, to be honest men have complimented me on my eyes and I have done, more or less, nothing about it. *sigh* To get back to the point....

There are more P1 romances being cooked up. Tammy has admitted that she likes a different boy in our class! (More like there was a note in her bag with the boy's name inside a heart.) The craziness of it! Love triangles! Between 5 and 6 year olds!  I also heard one of the other female students whispering about her boyfriend to another classmate. I have no idea who her "boyfriend" is, but I have my guesses. Another one of our students is very clearly in love with a 4th grader. She will constantly remark that he carries her bag for her, walks her to her door (they live in the same building) and he helps her with her homework. Once again I was told I need a man like this. I'm working on it world!

Then we have another 2 students who are clearly in a relationship. they always play together during snack time, and have been caught holding hands. One time Frank tried to help Shannon with her math work and told her to try harder because he needed to have a smart girlfriend.

When one of the single boys in our class started to realize couples were pairing off he was quick to mention it to his best friend, who happens to be another boy. Allan noted all the partnerships to Robby and then said they must stick together.

Among all this craziness of 6 year old romances I have learned a few things about relationships at all ages:

1. Females prefer mature, and smart males who treat them with courtesy.
2. Females don't take compliments well.
3. Relationships are complicated and it is guaranteed that some people will get hurt.
4. The fun you have along the way makes the hurt worth it.
5. Relationships comes in all shapes and sizes and you can never recreate one.
6. Some feelings cannot be erased by time.
7. Love/Infatuation makes us do crazy things.
8. No one wants to end up alone.
9. The heart wants what it wants.
10. Everyone believes in love at some point in their life.

So, while I may be either envious of my students, or content to be without their drama, they have managed to teach me a little something this week.

Nowhere (Wo)Man

It has been a rough week to say the least. Monday I was frustrated by the inability of certain people to do their jobs, and I spent a good portion of my Monday and Tuesday trying to make up for their lack of efforts. It all turned out fine in the end, but you could absolutely say that efforts may often go unnoticed here. Not really the issue at hand, so I'll digress.

I have been dealing with culture shock in nearly every way possible: My emotions are a roller-coaster waiting to de-rail. My body is craving anything and everything. I eat chocolate cake for breakfast and ice cream for dinner. My thoughts are obsessive. I decided I wanted to learn how to clog and spent a good 2 hours emailing dance studios about where to find tap shoes (none have responded.) My body is deformed. I'm putting on fat, my stomach is adjusting to the food and water by rebelling against me with nausea and diarrhea. I'm always exhausted, and I'm not sleeping. My head pounds with a migraine that has lasted for a week straight. I am annoyed with everything about the city that surrounds me. On Friday I went to try and mail a package home, and returned home with the package in my hands, soaking wet. Partially from the rain I walked home in, but mostly from the sweat that had dripped down my back from the exhausting 30 minute walk in my high heels on broken sidewalks, and around 10cm high puddles from the torrential rain I was almost stuck in, as I tried aimlessly to hail a cab. I screamed out my frustrations adding in a swear word here and there for effect.

I F#$%ING HATE IT HERE! I'M F#$%ING DONE! GET ME THE F#$% OUT!

After venting to my roommate, taking some time to cool off and watching an episode of Dexter I had to force myself to cry. The tears weren't even there. I had to think of so many sad things from my past to even shed 5 small tears. What the hell is going on with me? I'm sad, but I'm not sad at all.

I re-read posts from Albania, recognizing where I'm at and convincing myself this won't last forever, it will pass and I will be in love with my life again. I'm empty. I see nothing here. No part of me exists.

The following morning we wake up to head to the botanical gardens to celebrate being in Indonesia for 4 months. The cab driver has no idea where the train station is, and has to stop to ask twice. I'm frustrated and ready to turn around and head back to my bed. Eventually we make it, find the right train (thanks to a very nice man) and hop aboard for the 75 minute ride. Once in Bogor we can't find a cab, and though we try our best, our walking efforts do not work and we are eventually picked up by a guy driving a van, 5 Kilometers from the train station. I'm frustrated with all my failed attempts at doing things on my own.

Finding Love

The gardens are wonderful. We snarf down our picnic lunch in the least picnicky spot, all while being forced to take pictures with nervous looking Indonesian children. We walk, enjoying the plants, the smell of freshness. We enjoy the sound of birds around us, and the crunching leaves under our feet, and the solitude after our multiple escapes from every group of Indonesian students that try to approach us for a picture. Finding our way home is easier, though the train is awful and packed like sardines.

Nature!

After arriving home I cook, and I mean really cook for the first time. I make pasta and chicken and veggies in an avocado cream sauce. I'm experimenting, and exploring. I want more, and convince my friends to head to a new bar though it is an hour across the city. I cannot take another night with the same awful top 40's band. I cannot take another night with the same faces, and the same lighting. I cannot stand the thought of standing outside the McDonalds trying to get a taxi home at 2 in the morning. The routine is engraved in my mind and I hate it.

I look at the menu and discover an American Pale Ale, leading to indescribable amounts of excitement. The food is exquisite and I can feel the satisfaction in my stomach. When the band finally plays I am afraid I am in love with the place. The music isn't marvelous, or anything like what I listened to back home, but it isn't Rihanna, or Bruno Mars. I get the Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis, and the Doors.

I feel fulfilled, if only for a night. It is enough to sustain me.

This weekend has proven something: If I am willing to put in an adequate effort, if I am willing to take some chances and try some new things, then I will find love. And by love I mean nature, good beer and food, and decent live music.