Every once in awhile I get blown away with this feeling that
I am home. I think strange thoughts, about things I’m not capable of doing.
Today I just wanted to pick up the phone to call my best friend, and for a
moment I almost actually reached for the phone. But it’s 4:30am back home and
everyone is fast asleep. On Sunday I almost got up to grab my iPod and got for
a walk outside because I was sick of watching TV. Some nights I still think
about grabbing a jacket to go over my dress when it cools off in the evening.
28/10/13
Sometimes I look at people’s engagement pictures, wedding
pictures, or family pictures and wonder if that is what I should be doing with
my life. I want some fragment of it, but it’s not quite clear yet how that
picture and my picture will be twisted together. Both are dreams, and both have
broken me open. Only one has become something more. Only one has healed me
after a fracture. Am I ready to unfasten myself again? Am I ready to be cracked
again? Am I whole enough to do so? The fact that I’m even asking screams the
obvious answer. It advises me to focus on my secondary dream, the one that has
got me somewhere.
5/11/13
I’m in that point here where I keep thinking that when I’m
done with my contract I will just go home. I’m frustrated with the fact that
I’m losing part of who I am. But, am I really? Or am I gaining a new part of
myself. Am I changing for the better or for the worse?
6/11/13
I’m doing great and fine until I see someone has “checked-in”
at a great brewery in the cities, or until I seeing a picture that contains
transforming fall colors, or worse yet, until I watch a movie enveloped in the
classic American holiday storyline of family being frayed, and broken but
brought back together just in time for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then all I
really want to do is fly home to my roots and take part in some typical
traditions that now mock me, and my prior displeasure with them. Someone take media away from me.
9/11/13
When I look at pictures of our past I can now smile and
acknowledge that though we are not meant to be together now or forever, we were
meant to be together then. You had a extensive influence on my life, and I’m
thankful for the lessons I learned a long the way.
14/11/13
I spent a good 30 minutes looking at flights home. I told
myself if the prices got under $1500 I’d buy a ticket. I found one for $1700.
Let’s be realistic. Even if I found a ticket for less than $1000 I wouldn’t
actually buy it. I’m just in a mood. Christmas sounds great. I never felt this
way until I moved away from home and the traditions. Now all I want is home and
the traditions.
15/11/13
Mental breakdown? Check. I don’t know what it is about this
week. I’m sitting in my bed, drinking Bintang, re-reading blog post from
Albania and realizing how absolutely insane my life is. For real am I
depressed? My life is incredible in every single way possible! Get out of this
funk Tiara. I’m out doing this
thing called life, and I mean really doing it. And that is more than the
majority of the rest of the world can say, so I’m gonna keep doing it!
22/11/13
Among finally figuring out travel plans for Christmas, and
being able to go away for the weekend (even though it isn’t anywhere new)
something has clicked inside of me. 3 weeks until I’m on vacation, 3 weeks and
4 days until I leave for my adventure and I cannot wait to see old friends in
new places.
24/11/13
This weekend I was able to get out of Jakarta to an island. I
spent my weekend lounging around reading in hammocks on beaches and drinking
beer while watching stars with a new friend. On the way home I was laying down
on the back of a crappy slow moving boat, with my iPod turned all the way up
and the wind blowing over, and cooling off my body. Meanwhile I was watching Angie
sit on the back of the boat talking animatedly to our new friend and Herning
next to me discussing relationships with another new friend. It is just
incredible that I didn’t know these people 2 days ago and we are already making
plans to hang out with them again. “Like a Rolling Stone” came on and I just
couldn’t help but think about the fact that I have no idea what is going to
happen in my life, let alone 1 year, let alone 1 month. You meet people, and
they open your mind in new ways. You go places and your life is changed. It is
completely unpredictable and amazing. Anything is possible!
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