Untitled Blog Post #4

5/12/13

I haven’t written for awhile, which probably means I’m happy, since I generally write when I’m sad. Bad mistake on my part all. I apologize for that. I’m on the brink of being done with this semester, I have my winter break trip planned (as least as much as I want to) and I made some superb new friends. I’m back to being absolutely content and blissful with my life. No telling what the future holds!

8/12/13

“Are you happy Dp?” –Angie

“ Yep.”- Me with biggest grin ever.

This is sure to end badly.

11/12/13

I feel vulnerable in the best way possible. My eyes are open, my heart is whole, and I’m ready to put it on my sleeve. Look out world.

21/12/13

Fall hard, fall fast. All the concerns I seemed to have a month ago are now what I love the most. The differences, the confusion, the discovery, the teetering into the sure fire path of unknown life. I know who I am and I’m ready to risk her.

 7/1/14

It’s strange to watch someone live out the life you had planned with them with someone else. It feels good to know that we both got what we actually wanted. Life is good.

13/1/14

Listening to old music with new feelings attached. It’s odd. And WONDERFUL!

15/1/14

In the last few days I have reached the realization that Minneapolis may never be my permanent home again. I’m doing a surprisingly calm job of taking that in. Seriously. I’m proud of my ability to not have a serious freak out about this one. We’ll see how that continues. You may say my opinion is being swayed, but I think in reality I’m just realizing that it will never be the same, and I will never be the same. I cannot have the same relationship I had with it before. Who knows where I’m going to end up. Oh life, you are crazy.

24/1/14

I’m exhausted. This was my first week back with the students, I worked minimum hours 7-4 and yet I am so exhausted. However, I will suffice this by saying that I am bursting with happiness and cannot stop smiling. My life is so incredible, and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have landed where I have. I spent last Sunday at the Ritz Carlton sipping on martinis and eating delicious cheese and steak. Currently there are a lot of floods in Jakarta, but I’m fortunate enough to not have been affect by them in the slightest. Right now I just feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world.

brunch

Untitled Blog Post #3

25/10/13

Every once in awhile I get blown away with this feeling that I am home. I think strange thoughts, about things I’m not capable of doing. Today I just wanted to pick up the phone to call my best friend, and for a moment I almost actually reached for the phone. But it’s 4:30am back home and everyone is fast asleep. On Sunday I almost got up to grab my iPod and got for a walk outside because I was sick of watching TV. Some nights I still think about grabbing a jacket to go over my dress when it cools off in the evening.

28/10/13

Sometimes I look at people’s engagement pictures, wedding pictures, or family pictures and wonder if that is what I should be doing with my life. I want some fragment of it, but it’s not quite clear yet how that picture and my picture will be twisted together. Both are dreams, and both have broken me open. Only one has become something more. Only one has healed me after a fracture. Am I ready to unfasten myself again? Am I ready to be cracked again? Am I whole enough to do so? The fact that I’m even asking screams the obvious answer. It advises me to focus on my secondary dream, the one that has got me somewhere.

5/11/13

I’m in that point here where I keep thinking that when I’m done with my contract I will just go home. I’m frustrated with the fact that I’m losing part of who I am. But, am I really? Or am I gaining a new part of myself. Am I changing for the better or for the worse?

6/11/13

I’m doing great and fine until I see someone has “checked-in” at a great brewery in the cities, or until I seeing a picture that contains transforming fall colors, or worse yet, until I watch a movie enveloped in the classic American holiday storyline of family being frayed, and broken but brought back together just in time for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then all I really want to do is fly home to my roots and take part in some typical traditions that now mock me, and my prior displeasure with them.   Someone take media away from me.

9/11/13

When I look at pictures of our past I can now smile and acknowledge that though we are not meant to be together now or forever, we were meant to be together then. You had a extensive influence on my life, and I’m thankful for the lessons I learned a long the way.

14/11/13

I spent a good 30 minutes looking at flights home. I told myself if the prices got under $1500 I’d buy a ticket. I found one for $1700. Let’s be realistic. Even if I found a ticket for less than $1000 I wouldn’t actually buy it. I’m just in a mood. Christmas sounds great. I never felt this way until I moved away from home and the traditions. Now all I want is home and the traditions.

15/11/13

Mental breakdown? Check. I don’t know what it is about this week. I’m sitting in my bed, drinking Bintang, re-reading blog post from Albania and realizing how absolutely insane my life is. For real am I depressed? My life is incredible in every single way possible! Get out of this funk Tiara.  I’m out doing this thing called life, and I mean really doing it. And that is more than the majority of the rest of the world can say, so I’m gonna keep doing it!

22/11/13

Among finally figuring out travel plans for Christmas, and being able to go away for the weekend (even though it isn’t anywhere new) something has clicked inside of me. 3 weeks until I’m on vacation, 3 weeks and 4 days until I leave for my adventure and I cannot wait to see old friends in new places.

24/11/13

This weekend I was able to get out of Jakarta to an island. I spent my weekend lounging around reading in hammocks on beaches and drinking beer while watching stars with a new friend. On the way home I was laying down on the back of a crappy slow moving boat, with my iPod turned all the way up and the wind blowing over, and cooling off my body. Meanwhile I was watching Angie sit on the back of the boat talking animatedly to our new friend and Herning next to me discussing relationships with another new friend. It is just incredible that I didn’t know these people 2 days ago and we are already making plans to hang out with them again. “Like a Rolling Stone” came on and I just couldn’t help but think about the fact that I have no idea what is going to happen in my life, let alone 1 year, let alone 1 month. You meet people, and they open your mind in new ways. You go places and your life is changed. It is completely unpredictable and amazing. Anything is possible!

Untitled Blog Post #2

holding hands with a monkey!

4/9/13

My mind roams. It knows that tonight is one of those nights where sleep just isn’t an option. First it goes through my day, and nit picks all the little errors I’ve made. I note that tomorrow I need to switch my IPC lesson to get more photographs for portfolios, and to teach the kids how to double check their work. What are we doing for IPC next week? I need to get some items for the experiment. And holy mama the week after that is exit point. And the due date for portfolios. Stressed out. I tell myself to breathe. I can do this.

I slept like a baby for the last 4 nights in a row. What is going on? I know what I want, and what I desire, but I can’t have it. And even if I could would it make me truly happy? No matter which way my mind spins the truth I am here, in Jakarta, making this life work. And I am doing a damn fine job. Go to bed brain, you can do your thing tomorrow.

9/9/13

I spent last night out eating sushi and ice cream with the three girls. It was great because we did the total cliché girl things and talked about our ex-boyfriends, and our best and worst dates. Then this morning I was messaging my bestie from back home about other boy issues and I came to the following conclusion: Being over someone and being ready to move on are 2 totally different things.

16/9/13

 I worked for 12 hours today and was completely exhausted. I spent the end of last week sick and then partied way to hard for my own good on Saturday night. Anyway as I drifted off to bed last night I grew extremely nostalgic for Albania. All I wanted was to be in my apartment with the patio door opened sitting and drinking wine and reading a book, or eating Jimmy’s while enjoying a nice conversation with my friends. Or to be sitting at umbrellas after work eating quofte, and drinking dollar stellas.  But you can never go back, you can only go forward. So I try to enjoy the now. Meaning I try to enjoy the gross beer, the rice, and the chats with my friends here. Only 2 weeks ‘til vacation!!

22/9/13

Today I am missing home in a very different way than I have ever missed it before. I’m used to being either completely content with my life, or missing home like crazy to the point of wanting to break my contract and head home. Today however I am completely content with my life here. I’ve had a splendid weekend with my friends, and I’m thinking I could do this teaching abroad thing for a long time. That being said, all I really want to do with my Sunday afternoon is teleport home to bake cookies with my mom, or to walk to get coffee or a beer with my brother. I’m confused, and I feel disconnected from myself and who I am right now. I don’t think I’ve ever deserved or needed a vacation as bad as I do right now. 1 week to go!

30/9/13

I spent my first weekend of my holiday in awesome company. My friend Chris just finished a CELTA course in Vietnam and decided to take a month off to travel before beginning work. Lucky for me, he decided to make Indonesia his destination. On Saturday I met him at about 11:00, and we then headed to a water park to celebrate my friend Morgan’s birthday. I had a bit too much to drink the night before (celebrating the end of term and whatnot) and so the day was a little rough. It ended with us watching scary movies and fireworks out the window. The next morning I woke up completely exhausted as I had been up all night battling with nausea and twangs of pain in my stomach. Welcome 3^rd world stomach bug number 2! After contemplating in my mind my options for the morning I hopped out of bed and got ready to head to a charity walk. (The other option was to lay in bed and think about my illness.) The walk was great and made me feel much better. We spent the rest of the day lounging, and in the evening met up with our friends for some coffee. At one point yesterday Chris told me that I had a great group of friends here. He is completely right, and I think I’ll gladly keep them all.

6/10/13

About 2 weeks ago I met this awesome guy from Texas. He taught me great life lessons and convinced me that someday I want to have a child of my own. Here we go world. I’m telling you that I made a decision about this. We’ll see if it sticks. Anyway after knowing him for only two weeks I had to say goodbye as he is going back to Texas. I think it is strange how you can meet these random people in life, and they can affect you in random ways and then boom: they are gone. Kind of really incredible.

I'll keep working on it. 

15/10/13

Feeling depressed. Listening to depressing music. What is wrong with me. Time to get back to the healthy lifestyle of working out, drinking water, sleeping, and eating fruits and veggies instead of carbs. Rainy season is coming. Better keep my Vitamin D. Last night I forced myself to go to the gym and felt so much better afterwards. I think I’m addicted to it. Not a bad addiction I must say. If I throw one part of my routine off right now I shut down. I’ve become more flexible as a teacher, but not as a person.

17/10/13

I’m just reflecting on some quality advice my mother sent me, in relation to my last post. It is so good that I have decided to share it with the world.

 “Serious and not so serious, you are learning from life experiences. You are always becoming a new person. I still am, and when someone loves you they allow that. Loving is not about you, it is really about the other person, and giving the best of you to them to make them a better person and vice a versa. Someone falls in love with giving themselves to you and letting you do the same in return. That is the reason so many people feel young love is so dangerous. I think all love is dangerous, but once you commit to doing it you go with the changes in one another and make it work. Sometimes it’s amazing and sometimes it’s really hard.” I don’t feel that much of this pertains to me right now. I'm far in between my past love and love in the future, but I thought it was too good to not share.

19/10/13

I keep wanting to write. I’m going through something. Something confusing. Maybe I’ve just been here long enough to get into that “I hate it phase.” Or leaving the city for 2 weeks and getting out in nature made me realize how much I hate it. Except I don’t hate it. In Albania I cried all the time, but I have still only cried twice since arriving here. What?!?!? Last night I had a long chat with my friends from Albania (I got to talk to all 3) and I started really missing it. We all discussed the things we loved about it, and the things that made it better than where we are now. I totally the miss the freedom of our traveling via car, the beer (surprise), and the freedom to walk everywhere. It seems I took some things for granted. I wonder what I’m taking for granted here? The pineapple and papaya for sure.

To end on a positive note: I have some kick ass friends. One saw I was upset, and going through a rough patch and drove out of his way to bring me chocolate. I also spent the day exploring the ex-pat part of the city with Angie. I bought some cute dresses, roamed the ex-pat grocery store debating acceptable prices for cheese, and acceptable cheating for my diet, discovered some delicious places for American breakfast, and purchased 2 books to get myself out of my watching TV all the time funk. TV is not living. I have to DO SOMETHING! Something to improve myself and my mind.

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09/08/13

I’m not sure what I’m doing. For some reason my mind won’t think, at least most of the time. When it does think, it freaks out a little bit. It starts thinking about the past and what it took to get to this point. What it took to become a happy person, and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of that. So if you put off the inevitable for long enough it’s bound to happen. Correct? I need to make a decision.

13/08/13

So it is currently 28 degrees Celsius outside and I just walked home wearing pants and a short sleeve shirt without sweating. I think my body is adjusting. Also for some reason every time I shave my legs here I cut myself. It’s awful and I can’t figure out why. I have to start being more careful.

14/08/13

I hate to complain about losing weight, but I purchased new clothes when I was home so that I wouldn’t have to go shopping when I arrived here. I have no shorts that fit that don’t have holes in the crotch. And so after work on Saturday I get to go shopping….again. agh!

18/08/2013

Last night I sat back under a fan while watching my friends bowl. Angie came up to me and just smiled as we began to talk about the fact that 8 weeks ago we had no idea who we were going to meet when we arrived here. 8 weeks ago we had no idea who we were going to live with or what our jobs would be like. And somehow in the 6 weeks we have been here we have managed to make various incredible ex-pats and Indonesian friends. How lucky am I? This morning we are sitting in our apartment talking about how hard it is going to be to leave this place and these marvelous people. I’m 6 weeks in. 2 years from now these friends are going to mean so much more to me. Say goodbye? For real? No one said this life was easy, but no one can say it isn’t worth it.

21/08/13

Today I started really craving a few things from home. I’m still doing fantastic overall, I just had a rough day. I need a good IPA and a good chat with my brother. Or a nice walk to stone arch with my iPod.

Today was one of those days when I thought to myself that as soon as I’m done paying off my loans I’m done teaching. I hated teaching today. More so I hate how much I still have to learn about being a teacher, and I’m frustrated with how overwhelming it is. And so I  don’t sleep, and I dream of my classroom in utter chaos. My alarm rings and it is back off to work I go. I greet each child with a smile and recall my dream to them as our “classroom swimming in bubbles.” I ask them what they dreamt about and they reply with “monsters” and “super-heroes.” Their dreams and my dream collide. But which one am I? The monster or the super-hero?

23/08/13

Today was a rough day, and after school (more like after school plus 45 minutes of extra work) I had a mental breakdown in the 3rd grade classroom. I've been really frustrated with feeling completely inadequate. It was good to talk it out first with my fellow elementary teacher, and shortly after with my roommate. They both mentioned that they have felt the same way at some point in the last month or so, which made me feel much better. I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing right, and though I try and try, I continue to fail. 2 cry sessions (finally) followed by a workout and a few beers, and while life isn't perfect it is a little bit better about myself and I'm happier who I am. I need to get back my confidence. Where did it go this week? Watch out world. Here I come, with my super duper supportive friends to back me up. 

25/08/13
When I'm finally happy with myself, and being by myself it will all come together. I have a long way to go, and a long road ahead of me. The first step is accepting right? This is who I am, and I love her. Every single bit of her imperfections and insanity. Perfectly Imperfect. Also, I've been on a serious Tom Robbins binge. For real. It is unhealthy.

“Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense.” 
― Tom Robbins

Out with the friends

28/08/13
Hey ya'll I'm hanging in here. In fact this week has been a lot better, but also crazy. My weekly plans for term one are coming due, so I spent about 3 hours last night working on english alone and I'm not done. In two-three weeks we have parent teacher interviews which means our portfolios are due. Stress! I haven't even started. There was a bit of drama due to some serious rumors and gossip early in the week, but I've overcome them. I found out today that I will be getting 2 more students on Monday and I can't even imagine having more. The good news is that the classroom management is improving each and every day. I don't take the kid's crap anymore. Notes go home, detentions are given, and I try my best not to shout over them. Accomplishing goal #2. This weekend we went to an inter-nations event and I tried to mingle to the best of my ability. I'm working on making more friends, and I think overall I'm doing a good job on goal #5. I've read almost one whole book about Buddhism (goal #8), but I haven't managed to complete any Bahasa lessons since I got here. I'm sitting in on Bahasa lessons during school and I've managed to learn a few words by looking at signs, listening to directions, and reading menus, so improving on goal #1. I started insanity last week and I can already see vast improvements. I'm setting goals, I'm eating healthier and I've lost weight. Goal # 7, check. I've tried some indonesian food, I've worn the clothes, I've learned a bit of history, so success on goal #4. Woohooo! The other 4 goals are being put on hold. But, I'm progressing, I'm improving as a person, and most importantly I think I'm the happiest I've ever been.