Orpheus

While I was in Thailand we spent some time chilling in Pai. On one particular day we just hung out by the pool and then sat outside our room, drinking beers, coffee, listening to music and smoking cigarettes, overlooking a gorgeous pond. At one point we put on some Andrew Bird and Patrick told me he was in love with one particular song because of the story it told. I was sure I had heard the story but asked him to tell it to me again.

Orpheus, the hero, was an amazing musician. And he married a beautiful girl, but in a tragic way she died on their wedding day. However the gods could not resist the beautiful music Orpheus played and so agreed to return his wife to the land of the living if he would promise them one thing. All he had to do was keep his eyes peeled forward and not look back at her beauty until they had both reached the land of the living. However, when Orpheus reached the end of the tunnel he could not contain his excitement and joy and glanced back and his beautiful bride. In an instant she was taken away from him for forever.

After Patrick told the story I couldn't help but feel something hit inside me, and so I got out my phone and made a note of the story to review later.

Earlier this week I was catching up on Mad Men and The Following and in one of the most recent episodes the story gets told. (I wish I could remember the exact point it had made, but cannot.) It hit me again, but I passed it off.

Now I sit here, on a Friday night reading a book I purchased for $5 in a used bookstore in Chiang Mai. The man in the story makes a reference to the story of Orpheus as he watches his Thai wife work at a bar selling herself to men. He says "I think if I can leave here tonight without looking at her I will be all right." But he cannot do it. He looks back. The next morning the 3 men who were flirting with his wife are in body bags. I put the book down, and know that I need to write.

The last few weeks have jetted past me. I have no idea where they have gone, and they have not gone at all as planned. I had prepared myself to feel anger, and sadness, and pain, and to eat to my hearts content and cry myself to sleep. But all I have felt is joy, freedom, and contentedness. My life is as it was meant to be. I feel anger only at the effort I put forth to achieve what could not work. What we knew wouldn't work. I am frustrated by our unwillingness to simply give up. But, it has made me a stronger person and taught me a lesson: Never ever sell yourself short. Do not compromise yourself and your dreams for anyone or anything.

And I think maybe Orpheus has a connection to my life. I can retrieve my happiness and my own dream. I must not regret what happened or attempt to analyze it. I must accept it for what it was and what it taught me and move forward with my head up, my heart strong, and my eyes forward to my future. And so I will.

Montenegro, I am coming for you in a few short months and together we are going to be the absolute happiest. My soul is overwhelmed.

Thai Police and "Pink Hair Dude"

So my first night in Chiang Mai I went to a night market, got drunk off of 3 beers (I hadn't eaten in a long time) got a 3 dollar foot massage and went to the airport to pick up the rest of my friends clothes that she had left in Phuket.

The second night there we went to another night market, which happened to be on the street of our hotel. It was nice to just walk around and look at things, until I started to feel quite ill. My friends decided to buy some super nice carved soaps for their moms and grandmas. It seemed to be taking quite awhile and I figured the likely issue with my stomach was probably too many afternoon beers and not nearly enough water, so while they worked on purchases I went into the 7eleven to grab a bottle of water. I came out and they seemed to be arguing with the couple selling the soaps, and I thought to myself "Seriously guys, you don't need to barter down too much....lets get a move on."

After walking down to the end of the street and back they were still their arguing, so we figured we'd see what was up. Turns out there had been a miscommunication about the amount of money that was given and the change that was received which means my friend has lost out on about 30-35 dollars. Somehow the police had been called over and were apparently going to check the 7eleven CTV tapes. This didn't happen, but the lady selling the soaps kindly asked the police to take my friends to the police station, to which my friends replied "for what purpose?" At one point a British guy, wearing a shirt with ducks on it and pants with orange slices came over in all his red hair glory to inform the cops that the value of money lost was equivalent to 20 quid. Then persisted to ask the cops if he could drink beer at the market, even though there were signs all over saying it was prohibited. If that wasn't enough he asked the cops if he could try on their hat, to which he took whatever response as a yes and threw it on his head.

Eventually the decision was reached to split the difference of the "mistake" and move on. After looking for a spot to have a bite to eat, I was really not feeling well and ended up heading back to the hotel, to take some ginger, drink water, and lay down. When my friend came back they offered me all sorts of medication and brought me back some water. The poor guy I was sharing a room with had to listen to me throw up like an hour later.

After a little while in bed I could swear I heard someone knocking on the door so I got up but no one was there. Then as I lay in bed I thought I heard "JUSTIN!!!" being screamed. (Justin was the guy I was sharing a room with.) It sounded like it was coming from the street, so he got up and went to the balcony. Turns out our clever neighbors had locked themselves out on their balcony.
He was kind enough to let them back in.

I slept restlessly that night and the next day we went to see the elephants, we met DJ Jack Sparrow and I thought I might die. But more on that experience later....

Cooking and Muay Thai!

Let me start by saying that this story is about my Thai family. And by "Thai family" I of course mean the crazy group of Americans I happened upon throughout my journey. Some of us had previous connections, but I knew none of these people 10 days prior to these events. 

Let me also tell you that gone are the days of me rattling through all the boring things I did in each part of my trip. BORING! Sure its nice for my terrible memory to be able to remember, but I'm gonna stick to the pretty legit stuff from now on. By that I mean the best and worst memories of the trip. The vivid stuff that I probably will never forget anyway. 

Though it clearly led to the most painful of all mornings in Thailand, I'd say there are some good stories behind this day/night in Chiang Mai. Let me start by pointing out I was quite sick the day before our cooking class, so I was relieved when I woke up starving and ready to eat. 

We began the day at the market, where our instructor taught us so many things about the native fruits, veg, and spices of Thialand. Then we started the cooking and eating, and the being WAY overfull. At some point in the day it was mentioned that it seemed impossible to be hungover in Thailand...foreshadowing!

I want in my tummy now!

After being so stuffed, no one would be surprised to find out that we were pretty worthless that afternoon. Meaning that the girls got massages, and the men went drinking.....to meet other girls. 

So we met at the bar we had previously ate at the night before, and from the likes of it the guys were going for it. I turned the corner and spotted 3 new girls and screamed in my most sarcastic voice "Are you cheating on us?!?!" and then sat down and ordered a large beer to catch up. Some of us (ahem Justin, Patrick, and Halima) found it necessary to eat again, but Chris and I knew we had some leftover curry back at the hostel from the cooking class. So after polishing off my large beer, plus another, and a few sips of someone who couldn't finish, we stopped at the 7eleven to get bowls and spoons, and went back to the hostel. After climbing the three flights of stairs, I grabbed the community microwave and carried it into mine and Justin's room and grabbed my curry. It was, by far, the second best curry I had ever had. The best being the same curry from the morning when it was fresh. At this point it was mentioned there was thai rum, and someone got some cokes. After we finished that bottle it was mentioned there was vodka and Justin offered a sip of his red bull which I took to mean "make everyone vodka red-bulls!" 

I want to eat curry for forever.

Eventually we had to leave to meet the sluts (just joking) from England. So, being the classy people we are, the girls put on dresses and mascara (gasp! I wore make-up on this trip) and the guys tried their best to look semi-decent. 

All ready! 

We made it to the Muay Thai fights and had some delicious beers. Eventually things went sour as we kept rooting for the wrong team, Halima bet shots on it, and one of us may have purchased a pack of cigarettes (no confessions.) The best part of the match was, by far, when they put 6 blindfolded men into the ring and them just have at each other. Oh, and of course when they played Phil Collins. 

The fights lasted much shorter than we expected or we just drank the time away. Either way, when we finished we were not ready for bed. So we wandered to "Zoe in Yellow" for some dancing, and once we were drenched in sweat after like 3 songs we sat down and smoked. 

After this we headed back to the hostel, not really sure of what to do, but Patrick brought up some disgusting Chang beer which we all sipped slowly over the next 2-3 hours of talking about life. I can tell you that no one remembers a word that was said, but I DO know we listened to Bob Dylan, and it was so satisfying that I felt the need to say things I probably shouldn't have said, via text. Things that my phone would repay me for in the morning, even more so that the repayment from the thai rum. Eventually we passed out. At about 7:30 Justin and I went to go get breakfast and met Chris who had to go to immigration and was still a little full of thai rum and beer the same way we were. I dealt with some "complications of life" if you will, including a mental breakdown in the bathroom, and the worst ever experience packing as we all had to manage putting our lives in small backpacks with dizzy heads. While waiting I got an email from a school offering me a job and I thought, life sometimes has the best timing. I stuffed my face with italian food and once we rented a car, I had to say goodbye to my travel buddy from the last 9 days and deal with 3 boys by myself. 

We put up a good fight

Untitled Blog Post #9

22/1/15
Amazing things are happening in my life right now.

For example the fact that I'm feeling very happy and grateful for everything I have. The fact that I'm starting to get less nervous about the decisions I made for next year, even though I still haven't found a job, and I had an excellent day of teaching. I have been having a lot of those recently. Today one of my students passed a level 4 reading test. Now this is still a low level for first grade (most of my students are at level 9 or 10) but he started out not understanding how to point to the words. Not only was I crazy proud of him, but all the other kids were cheering for him and smiling. These are kids who usually say, "You are only at level 3?!?!" with a confused face. We have taught them kindness, and understanding that each student works at his or her own pace and an accomplishment is and accomplishment no matter how small. Loving my students right now!

22/2/15
I have no idea what the end of this week looks like. I could have a job in Singapore and be planning a move with the man I love. Or.....I could be offered a job somewhere else and accept it. I'm just not sure anymore what I want or what will make me happy.

13/3/15
I am walking down a traffic filled Jakarta street and I'm happy for no reason other than the fact that I get to eat pizza tonight. And spend the next 20 hours with my man. I follow that up with a quick trip to Romania to visit and interview at an amazing school. And then I get to come back to my wonderful partner teacher and beautiful students. And to top it all off I get a 2 week long paid vacation to a destination of my choice. Which is yet to be decided. Sure my life can be crazy, chaotic, and physically, mentally and emotionally draining. But it is amazing!!!!

15/3/15
And when the sun rises back home I cannot help but feel that I am meant to be waking up in your arms.

16/3/15
I feel like I am cheating. For everything I love about this place I want to punch myself for cheating on one dream with another. I cannot be here when I am dying to be there.

23/3/15
I know where I belong and I know who I belong with. And I am so angry at the world for putting the person I belong with so far away from the place I belong. My mom's constant quotation that "no news means good news," is starting to drive me nuts as I think about how so many times I believed it and now I don't. I want news.

28/3/15
I have never felt so much anger at one time, and the only way of letting it out seems to be my tears. No job yet. I feel as though I hate every aspect of my life, and the only good part of it just left, possibly forever. I got out of the house for a bit, but the second I walked back through that door, the simple smell of bacon reminded me of how amazing we are, and anger and jealousy, and thoughts of unfairness envelop me and I break down again. I am exactly where I was 3 years ago. Heartbroken, lost, and completely unsure or who I am, what I want, or where I'm going. None of this is okay anymore. The only comfort I have is knowing that somewhere along the way I found myself, and I learned. Change is coming soon. If I could just know how and where, life would be on the upswing. 

25: Another day in the life of me

The morning begins rough as I frantically complete the random tasks of the morning. I toss my sheets in the washer and put it on the 30 minute cycle, as I quickly message my mom to remind her of an “I’m abroad and no one will accept my credit cards!” issue. I get on skype and she calls the company and puts them on speaker phone. We explain the situation as I put on my make up, which is pointless given that as soon as that issue is dealt with, she mentions the one that immediately brings tears to my eyes. "Let go," I tell myself, "it is not in your control."

I arrive at school eager to push away the feeling that today should be special even though it is really just another day in the life of me. Immediately I am greeted by coffee, cake, and a starbucks card from my partner teacher. Our ritual for moments of stress and celebration. I go about checking my schedule for teaching, making my copies, prepping my reading tests for the day. My friends come in with lit candles and a balloon. Simple, and precisely all I want. The previous day my students were told that I was 24 and that tomorrow, on my birthday, I would turn 21. They come prancing in at 7:30, “Are you really 21 today miss?” I smile, so overjoyed, by this simple question. 2 girls open the door, gift in tow. They have made me a handmade pencil holder out of popsicle sticks, and cards with picture of our classroom on it. “Thank you for being our Miss!” they have written. In the corner I notice a picture of a typical event: There is a picture of me calling out names for students who may be the first to go to the toilet, only instead of my talking bubble saying “blah, blah, blah, you may go to the toilet” it says three names and the toilet is replaced with the map symbol for toilet, since we have been studying maps and symbols in IPC. My heart melts.

Our English lesson is the best. Reading groups, spelling bee prep, and finally writing. We have been working on how to show instead of telling. It is very hard for them, and we spend more of our time brainstorming than writing the actual paragraph. Todays topic: I live on a very busy street.

I have them close their eyes and imagine it. Everyone is ready to share as we brainstorm using our 5 senses. Together we write the following:

My street is speedy. There are many cars stretched on and on stuck in a traffic jam, honking their horns. People walk quickly by on their way to work. Big houses, tall buildings and warungs line the side of the road and people shuffle in and out. It smells stinky, like cigarettes, trash, chicken and diesel.

I am so insanely proud of how much better their writing is coming I want to burst. Later during IPC we discuss the hardships of being in a traveling circus and they create circus maps, showing their knowledge of the best places to put everything to help with set up and tear down.

After work I rush quickly to catch a taxi to the nearest mall and indulge in a very inexpensive massage, and some delicious cold stone ice cream. I walk through the grocery store to get items to cook up a feast. As I reach the taxi line and see the length, I give up. An ojek home is the best bet. I ask “Berapa” to make sure I won’t get taken advantage of. “Lima Puluh” he responds. I know this is far too much and barter him down a buck. I shove on the potentially lice ridden helmet and attempt to buckle it. The buckle is broken, so I leave it hanging. Hopping on the back I think to myself, “I am 25, and you only live once. If I get in a crash and die, then so be it.”

As we weave in and out of traffic, I tense up and pull my bag forward so no one can reach in and grab my wallet or phone. I see lightning and hear thunder. I hope to myself that it just holds off 10 more minutes. Eventually we make it out of the traffic part and the cool breeze catches me off guard, as I finally feel some freedom. We soon get caught up in the traffic again. I think back to my students' writing as I pass a chicken scented warung, followed by a white ginger-haired man in a silk blue suit smoking his cigarette, as he walks with pleasure faster than the cars. As we turn the corner my knee brushes the white car next to us. I look on the side of the road and see newly planted trees, and I wonder if they will still be there in 2 weeks. Will someone uproot them easily or will they stay strong and grow a thick, resilient trunk?

I am suddenly overcome with the feeling that although 24 has been the toughest year of my life, I have grown so much more than I thought possible. I have become a real teacher. I have made potential relationship and career altering choices. I have shared my own dreams and created new dreams with a human being.

Dear 24….you sucked! You changed and crushed me in the worst way. Living in this city sucked the life out of you, but it’s almost over, and 25 is here. Though I have been completely defiant about wanting to celebrate the year to come, it is time to erase my negativity, and realize that this is life. It is fleeting, and if I don’t grab some smiles now they could be gone in a few short weeks.

I breath as I arrive home, only to have the ojek driver try to get more money out of me. I slave over an amazing birthday dinner of surf and turf with steamed carrots and grilled potatoes.

I haven’t reached all my goals for 24 year old me, and that’s okay. I have realized that I’m not happy unless I’m working for something, and improving myself.

So 25, here’s to you. To the challenges you bring. To the wind and the waves. To the heartbreak and hurt. To the smile and the tears.To the beauty of meeting new people in new places. To exploration. To new jobs and new students. Here’s to slamming the door on negativity. Here’s to being selfish. And most importantly, to those moments (like when you are on the back of an ojek) that take your breath away.

How my mother, against all my defiance, became my friend

When I was little me and my mom were always close. There were a lot of special mother and daughter activities we did. She taught me to bake and cook, how to find the best deals at the shops, and would treat me, often enough, to ice cream.

When I became a teenager I really didn't want her involved. I wouldn't say I was rebellious, but I started to have my own opinions about life, and how I wanted mine to go. I shared what I needed and learned to deal with the rest on my own. When I started to make a decision about where to go to college, her opinion was the closer, less expensive campus. I wanted my freedom and independence so I opted for the further away campus. I went home often, surprisingly not because I felt obligated, but because I wanted to be there.

In college, she watched me make mistakes. A lot. Small and big. My life didn't spin out of control, but I got very lost in who I was. Sometimes I felt like it was my duty to call her and check it. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't care anymore about what was happening in the Marsh, or with the people at church, I just wanted to get back to my friends and my studies. I am so glad now that I forced myself to make those calls.

Then I moved even further away, to Albania. I promised to skype often and I stuck with my promise. Sometimes I needed her and other times it felt like an obligation, but she was always grateful for the 30 minutes here and there. Indonesia made the time difference a lot harder to keep in touch. So we had to really try. And life in Indonesia was hard. For the first time ever I feel like there is no one in the world who can quite understand all of me, because there are so many parts of me.

And then Monday morning hit, after a night of tossing and turning without any clarity of a decision. And who is the first person I want to talk to? My mom. Because somehow, against all my trials to keep her out she has managed to become my friend. No she doesn't know all the deepest darkest secrets of my past. She doesn't hear about all the silly stories and mistakes I make. But she is the one person I have always been able to count on to listen and not judge.

My advice to every mom is to admire your daughter for who she is. Allow her to make her mistakes, because they will let her grow, and don't pry. Let your relationship become what it is meant to be on its own time in its own place.

My advice to every daughter is to live life the way you want, but always listen to the advice of your mother. Regardless of the differences you have with her, chances are she has been in a similar situation, and she made it through.

As we hung up from Skype she reminds me that I'm strong. I rush to get ready for work but that sentence stick in my head through the whole day as I struggle against tears and breakdowns, words and memories, love and hurt. I am strong. I have proved it over and over, and no matter what happens I have my mom to back that strength.

Thanks mommy! I love you!

The Goldcoast

Much of our time in the Goldcoast was spent mostly hanging around, since Matt's friends lived meters from the beach. Unfortunately, we happened to be there at the worst time for the beach. First of all there were jellyfish washed up all over the actual beach. Secondly, there were blue bottles in the water, visible by eye. Lastly, there was sea lice. Yuck! So yes, I finally got into the Pacific ocean (first time ever!) but I only got in fully once, and after that it was feet only.

Surfers Paradise

Jellyfish

Our first day on the Goldcoast was New Years Eve, so as you can imagine it was spent sitting around and drinking beer as I got introduced to more and more people. We did go to a party where I drank lots of delicious IPA, and chatted to some of Matt's friends, and after a struggle to catch the train home, getting separated (and some of us...ahem not me...getting questioned by the cops) we watch the fireworks on the roof in the freezing cold rain. New Years day involved a trip to the liquor store and grocery store, and some sitting around playing Peggle.

New Years Breakfast

The day after New Years we headed out to a suburb called Nerang to visit Matt's high school friend. We went out to the bars, met some older men to drink with and talk to, ate pizza, and passed out. After having breakfast we headed to Springbrook National Park, which is deserving of it's own blog post. Post hiking we ate a Mexican dinner with Matt's uncle and headed back to Surfer's Paradise.

Sunny The Koala

The following day we went to the zoo so that I could hold a Koala! I have to say, we were highly impressed with Kurumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, as a zoo. We went online and managed to get our tickets for a discount, and then promptly used the discount to purchase a photo with the Koala named Sunny! They zoo keeper said I was probably one of the most excited people he had ever seen. This zoo felt almost purely Australian to me. They hadn't imported animals from around the world to show off to kids. They were truly interested in the protected of Australian endangered species. The other interesting thing I got to do was spoon a Kangaroo!

Add it to the list of life accomplishments

The next day Matt's friend had the day off work, so we decided to chill near Surfers. We started the day with some breakfast and then headed out for mini-golfing. This is something Matt and I tried to find in Indonesia for a long time, but with no luck, so it was nice to get to do something fun for a double date. I managed to cook up a delicious feast of tacos as a thank you on our last day there and we had burgers on the grill for dinner. I was lucky enough to get in a good game of French cricket on the beach. Many people in Australia enjoy watching cricket and I was starting to catch on a bit to the scoring and general strategy to the game towards the end of my time there. French cricket is just a basic version easily played by a group of people. I guess it's be similar to playing touch football.

The following morning we started heading toward Brisbane again, stopping for some hiking and exploring in Tamborine National Park. If you are and avid hiker I would say that Springbrook is a much better way to spend a day. The trails at Tamborine are not as long and the sights are not as beautiful. However if you are looking for a full weekend getaway go with Tamborine. There are many places to stay, and lots of little shops and cafes to explore. Probably my favourite part was Fortitude Brewery. The F-100 was delicious and after I had one I couldn't help but indulge in a flight to try them all. After the brewery we tried to find another trail to hike, but the map/ our phones had different opinions and we ended up lost, so we just headed on our merry way to Brisbane.

The only really good picture I got of Tamborine